Having all the answers but still doing it wrong.

[Amanda Lynne]

     It's all really frustrating with me. I know what I'm doing wrong, and I know how to fix it, I just don't. I hate myself for that. I feel like I have no self-control or will-power. The thing with me is I always have a plan of action, if you asked me any question, I could give you a life-saving answer, btu the doing part, it's harder. I'm just getting tired of everything.

 

    Today I've been a raging B word to say the least. My cousin & aunt came over and I wasn't mean, well to my aunt I wasn't, but I wasn't the sweetest, didn't bother to hide how anti-social I was feeling. & My brother, who's a huge jerk, told everybody some embarrassing things, & of course twisted them to make them sound bad because he was mad, and I went psycho, hit him, then ran to my room, cried and closed the door. Daramatic, maybe. I could have laughed with them, or been sarcastic, but I wasn't in a good mood, & I was humiliated. & depressed. The things I do when I'm depressed, angry and sad aren't good things really. I go on the internet & try to get attention by posting pictures of myself (not bad pictures or anything, just a lot of pictures..) & it's like daydreaming when I do that stuff, I feel so ashamed and comfortable with myself.

 

    I bawled for like 3 hours after that. The worst part is, I would go into the  kitchen to get some Coke, not because I'm thirsty, but so my mom would see me & that I was crying (pathetic), & maybe she'd talk to my brother. But she didn't. In fact she looked at me like she was dissappointed and ashamed of me, and that hurt me so bad. I hate that feeling. That I'm doing everything wrong, seeing everything wrong. She never even said anything at all. It really hurt my feelings.

 

    My brother is so mean. He's my little brother, may I add.. He's the popular type, though I don't get why. He's cocky, shallow, bad, self-absorbed, self-righteous, and just mean-spirited.. He never apologizes. I used to cry about the things he would say to me all the time, but only a few times did he apologize, & he never meant it. He's such a jerk, and I always feel so attacked when I'm with him.

 

    I know I shouldn't say those things about my brother, but you'd understand if you met him. One time I was with my friends for once, & he got mad at me for something and in front of everyone, told me everythinnnng that was wrong with me. Acne, fat, lonley, loser, etc. He's disgusting. On the bus last year, I had to sit back kind of close to him, & when I'd get on to go home some days I'd be really sad & frustrated with my MD, and I'd put my head down on the seat for the ride, sometimes I'd cry. Appanrentley some boy would make jokes about me while I did that, which hurts my feelings, & I wouldn't know if my brother hadn't decided it was necissary to add that to the list of things that hurt Amanda. He calls me "the freak on the bus with her head down". Sometimes he's mean to my mom, he even hits her and stuff, & I stick up for her & that's when he gets really nasty. He spreads rumors about me and calls me everything he knows bothers me. I don't like him and I want nothing to do with him.

 

     People say suck it up, and I have been sucking it up, today's the first day in a long while I've let him get to me to the point where he makes me cry & fight him. I guess I'll continue to "suck it up" and do the best I can to ignore him, but it just makes me livid. Everything about him. The fact that he's a popular person. Wtf is wrong with kids, why do they glorify a**holes. I always want to tell him, not that he'd care, but that the reason I'm so weird and lonley and shy is because of people like him, I had to deal with them a lot when I was a little girl. I just wish he could what he's doing to me.

 

     He's one of the things holding me back. No one really picks on me anymore much but him & my cousin. But I can't tell you how annoying it is to try to change your life, but you can't because you have a little voice in your ear reminding you of everything that's wrong with you everyday.

 

    He's not the only thing in my way though, I would surely be the biggest problem I have. I'm so weak when it comes to my obsessions. & I'm so hard to motivate once I've slipped into DD world. I'm mean to myself, & when one bad thing happens, I let it ruin me the rest of the day, and what kinda life is that, I'll never have a perfect day, those don't exist so basically I'll be miserable forever if I keep living like this.

 

     I know this feeling by now & I know it passes, but I'm so tired and weary. Sometimes I just wanna close my eyes and not wake up until everything's okay. I don't know. Sorry for complaining so much. Good luck to everyone.

[Darren]

your going to be sucessful in life unlike your brother, so no worries. 

[Dusty]

Awwh hun. I'm so sorry to hear that :C. I never had bullying siblings but throughout most of my teenage years I felt that I was broken or that something had gone deeply wrong with me that couldn't be reversed. And like you, I realize it was largely, if not completely due to social rejection I had faced through most of my life. Things got better a few years later when my social skills got better (trial and error. lol) and I was able to make some decent (although short lived) friendships. Just realize that there are people out there who will think you're wonderful and interesting and not a loser! 

I totally know what you mean about knowing the answers. Knowing what I /should/ do but lacking the motivation to actually do them. *sigh*

[Amanda Lynne]

Thanks guys :) Doing a lot better today. Hope y'all are doing well too

[Dani]

I know the feeling. Sometimes you just want to disappear for a while. I understand the thing with your mom; my mom and I don't really have a relationship these days and I dislike her so much it's hard to care. The worst part is that she thinks she knows me, but she will never begin to know who I am. Anyway, don't let those people drag you down. Be proud of who you are, even if pople spit on you for it. If you, despite the trials of everyday life, can have the courage to be resiliently and unashamedly yourself, you WILL overcome whatever gets thrown at you. Period. Be strong. Be proud of who you are. Luv ya! ;)