Where wild minds come to rest
Hey y'all. Hope everyone has been doing well. This is just gonna be me complaining, explaining and sorting out my thoughts on my daydreaming problems lately. I have no right to complain, some people have it so much harder, and I know this very well, but I have to let it out somewhere. I think that's why my emotions are so strong and powerful, because I never let them out or express them, I just keep them inside and let them grow, one day they're gonna eat me alive, I swear... I can't seem to talk about it, so I type it just so anyone will hear it.
A lot has been going on lately. A family tragedy. Not only am I heartbroken over loss, but I'm scared and depressed because I've realized a lot of things about myself. I shouldn't be complaining, I'm not the one who died, but I need to sort it all out and try to get back on track with fighting my MD, because let me tell you, I have relapsed entirely. I'm back at square one.
The kind of good thing about that is I now realize how far I actually was with my progress until all this happened. I wasn't doing perfect, but I was doing damn good and I see that now that I'm doing HORRIBLE. I bought new headphones. Not just one pair, in the last, oh I don't even know what day it is, everyday either seems so recent or so far away, my sense of time is collapsed, but I bought 2 pairs of headphones with my own money and ended up cutting both of them up, trying not to get back where I was. Too late.
A lot of my family probably thinks I'm either stupid or heartless, because when we got the phone call, there in the midst of tragedy, I gave everyone a sympathetic pat on the back and a half-hearted "I love you", walked outside, put my brother's headphones that I stole in, and ran as far away (mentally, of course) as I could. I cried. I daydreamed about it. Which I guess is my own way of thinking about it. But I just can't believe how incapable of all this I am. I know when loved ones die, most people do try to find some sort of escape and detach from reality, but how easy it is for me..
I had a strange thought I remember. "Is this a gift?" Maladaptive daydreaming a gift. No I didn't mean because of the creativity or empathy that comes with it, but because I can get out of this place. Out of this cold, unfair world. I wouldn't even have to deal with loss if I didn't want to, I could just slip in my headphones and be with her, that's what I did when she was here anyway. I pretended. I can pretend again. I can temporarily trick myself into feeling, really feeling her presence and laughing and conversing. I never did much of that when she was here, because I was doing the same thing (daydreaming) so I can see how it's counterproductive. But maybe it is some kind of gift in a sick way, why would I want to be a part of reality, when in reality I lost another person without saying what I wanted to say, when in reality everyone's crying and hurting and confused. I'm the same way when my head's not in the clouds.
It was just a thought, but a thought that bothers me. I know deep in my heart that what I'm doing is not healthy. I can daydream for hours like I used to these days, but there's that sort of new, disapproving voice of reason that's always in the back of my head when I'm doing it, and the more I try to shake it off, the more uncomfortable I become with myself. See, my daydreams have been very realistic the past year or so. I don't know if that's good or bad. But lately I have been having those fantastical daydreams again.
My aunt (the one who passed) had an addiction too. To drugs, More harmful to the body, but I bet the mental and emotional attachment's about the same as my addiction. I learned a lot of things about my aunt I wish I had not learned these past few weeks. About some of the bad things she did with drugs, yes, but about some things that were done to her. And people didn't do what they should have about these things that happened to her. It's water under the bridge now, but it bothers me. If only people had known when they were looking down on her what had happened to her. Don't get me wrong, bad situations don't give people a license to be bad, but empathy is a virtue that should always be considered. People addicted to drugs, daydreaming, drinking, smoking, we all have one thing in common I'm pretty sure.. We're trying to detach. We're running away from tragedy or sadness or confusion or things we can't handle, feelings we can't identify. We don't know what to do, so we turn to something we shouldn't. We turn to that thing that takes us far away, whatever it is. Why though? Why are there people like us who are so unable to express their feelings or so afraid of their emotions? There's this quote "We are more alike in our weaknesses than we ever will be in our strengths." It's true isn't it? If people pull together in times of tragedy and sadness, why don't we talk about these things? Why are we so ashamed? The lost souls of the world, who run far away from what is real, no one understands us unless they have a degree in psychiatry it seems. But I don't really believe that. I think we all shut off our emotions, it just bothers some people more than it does others. This is all just my thoughts, I'm probably wrong, I usually am.
Daydreaming is not the only bad habit I seemed to have picked up on. I have picked up on my two year old hissie fits. It is so embarrassing. I pull on my hair, and kick stuff, and whine, literally like a two year old, and scream and I'm sure I look as big a pyscho as I feel when I do that. In fact my mom had only one thing to say "You're a freak", which hurt but she was right. I freak out about the little things like I used to. My temper never went away, I just got more mature about the things I lost it to. But lately I'm back in the swing of "let's kick things and whine because I can't have Taco Bell because I would like to keep my emotions bottled up til they're so powerful they turn into a meaningless temper tantrum" thing.
My aunt had a son, a beautiful, bad, 6 year old boy who I love with every piece of my heart. I would without hesistation lay down and die for him, and not just because his parents recently died, I would have always done that for him. I always wondered why, why other than the fact that he's my cousin, did I have this intense love for him (not inappropriate love, the "his happiness is essential to mine" kind). Now I think it's because I understand him. I always have. People would always be like "Oh, he's so disrespectful and so quiet and weird!" and it would piss me off, I wanted to tell them that he's been through more than you have in his 6 years. He came down and visited, I hadn't seen him in forever, and even though it was under sad circumstances, I was so happy to see him. The night before he left I told him me and my puppy had to go. He busted out into tears. He didn't at the funeral or the burial of his mother (not like this). I have to wonder if it's just because he's young, that he freaks out over little things and ignores the big things, and if it is just a phase I pray to God he finds his way out of it. I didn't. Given his parent's history, I think it'as best he doesn't run away from his feelings.
God, I hate how I do that. At the funeral, I sat in between my uncle and my mom's friend. I didn't think I'd cry as hard as I did, but I cried hard. My mom's friend (bless her heart) didn't know what to do but give me tissues and I wouldn't have even known my uncle was there if no one told me afterwards. Later into it my very affectionate, heart of gold Grandma came and sat next to me. She just gave me a pat on the back every now and then, and I cringed when she did that, literally cringed. I whine and moan about being alone and nobody caring yet I've pushed people so far away that they're afraid to touch me, they think I don't like it. & at the moment I don't. I don't want people to see me, I don't want them to know I'm upset, I don't want to know I'm upset! But later on, I always wish I had let them love me. Just like I wished I had let my aunt love me. Too late for that. I'm so tired of pushing people away.
The obvious "duh" solution to that would be "stop pushing them away then". I know this is what I should do, but I can't. It's not that easy for me. I'm so far gone. I can't ignore how often I depersonalize anymore. I am so confused. The only emotions I feel these days are depression or if I'm not depressed or daydreaming, emptiness, because that's pretty much the life I've lead so far. An empty one. The things that have made me happiest in my life consist of walking around in my room and pretending. Wow. What a life. What a person I am.
I had my first anxiety attack too. I was throwing one of my two year old hissy fits at my grandma's house to my mom, and then I went to my maw maw's house to say goodbye to my cousin, and knowing I wouldn't see him for a while, it just hit me in the face and I went pale and felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding out my chest. I did this in private of course. Wouldn't want anyone to know I'm hurting so they could help me. Nah, I'd rather they just think I'm a quiet, emotionless, girl and just because. No one asks "why is she like that" and that amazes me. There is a reason why.
I'm not proud of who I've been lately. I've been more depressed than ever, thoughts of hurting myself have popped up, but they leave just as quickly as they come, I could never to that to my family. I'm not as selfish as I see myself. I feel too much. Partly because I'm bottled up. I also have this thing where I can feel hurt so intenseley when it's not my hurt to feel. (Emotional hurt) I can soak it up like it's my own, which is depressing, but at least it reassures myself that I'm not selfish. I actually get sympathy pains in my arm when people get physcially hurt, and if I don't it means I totally don't like you lol. Not trying to impress anyone here, not saying I'm selfless, I'm obviously self-absorbed just thought I'd try to be positive since this whole blog has been anything but..
Well that's what's been up lately. Pushing feelings away (unsuccessfully) and letting them come out into a temper tantrum or panic attack. It's a lot right now, but I can try to be there for my family instead of running away from everything I guess. It's just so depressing. My headphones go in when people are fighting, or talking about things that I don't wanna know about because it hurts my heart. I guess I gotta grow up and start facing my feelings head-on. I'm still on Vyvanse, my dose is doubled, it's working with my focus-problems, but the daydreaming.. Nothing can get rid of that but me I guess.
I doubt anyone read that but I had to get it out. Had to talk to someone about it. I am not as ungrateful as I seem, I know I'm blessed beyond belief and I know it's rough all around, anyone has something they want me to pray about, tell me and I will. Thanks y'all who read that and God bless ♥