I had my MD under a somewhat control for the past year, and even had a few productive months. And then, out of the blue, I had this big all time-consuming daydreaming binge I didn’t experience since high school.

It’s been going for the past two weeks. I found myself daydreaming from the moment I wake up, get back from work, and until the night demands me to sleep.

I neglected my family, my husband, my health, and work. I skipped a few days at work because I couldn’t let my daydream go, I had to relive it, be with this imaginary character in my mind, as if I was possessed.

I ate very little, practically forced myself to eat, because I would have gladly kept on pacing in my room, listening to those wonderful 20 seconds in a song that matched the scene so perfectly. My legs hurt from the hours I’ve spent walking from one corner of my room to the other, because I need my whole body to move to really feel it.

Do you also feel that high? That incredible rush through your body when a new scene is added, like a new episode of your favorite show just came out, when that happens it is the perfect excuse to re-imagine all of it from the start, again and again.

I keep going, only occasionally sitting down, not because I’m tired (my body is), but because I am on Pinterest looking for a new inspiration to fuel my daydream.

Before, I usually daydreamed daily for an hour, maybe two, and I keep going with my day. But right now, I can’t stop myself. Today, as I’m writing this, I woke up after my body has begged me for a break. I feel hangover, but I’m not sure I’m completely done. It keeps calling me, like a drug, and the worst part is that only a very small part of me, rational and sane, says I should focus on my life right now; make something, do something, something that is real that other people can see not just in in my mind, I just started a new job, why am I sabotaging myself? But the biggest part of me is hooked, addicted to daydreams and it doesn’t want it to end. I love it so much. Like a hungry beast it takes every waking minute to stay in my daydream, to hear that song again, and have conversations I would never have in the real world.

I have a coworker who lives nearby, she picks me up at 7:30 to work. At 7:28 I am still in my room, ready, but pacing enjoying those last few morning minutes to dance, dream, live in the story that won’t leave me. And I love it. Isn’t that part of an addiction? God, how much I love it. More than anything. I am married, and I love my husband with every fiber of my being, honestly, he is a huge link I have to reality because he truly is wonderful in so many aspects it will take a whole essay to explain. I sometimes look at him being so calm and beautiful, and I wonder: ‘how did I get this lucky?’, and yet - I would gladly escape to the man in my daydreams.

I feel numb to the real world; its boring, dull, the colors aren’t as bright. In my daydreams I am the girl with all the attention, the hero and the villain, I create and destroy, I live and die. In the real world, I only exist.

I thought about writing it all down, Hell, make some money out of it at least, turn it into a dark romance novel, that sells like fresh bread. But there is no way I can stop to just ‘think’, ‘plan’ my daydreams. I will lose the high, I can’t be the ‘drug’ dealer, I want to snort every bit of emotion I get from a scene, over and over until I am sick of it, then to the next hit, chasing it for hours.

I try to stop, to ration my time, I say just until 9:00, 9:25, 11:00, 13:00, grab a snack, 23:00.

“can you come to bed” my husband says. Yes. At least I have the discipline to not daydream all night, I think and know it’s a lie. If I knew I wasn’t going to bother anyone at night I would keep going. But I don’t want them to hear me. so, I don’t, but its ok, I lay in my bed, now it’s the time for the serious scenes, where no music is needed; the hero confesses his love, the villain is giving a speech. The daydream is lulling me into sleep when my body finally crashes.

And then, morning again. He wakes up early for work, she will pick me up at 7:30. I dress with my robe, the headphones are on before I brush my teeth, and I am there in my daydream all over again.

  

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on March 3, 2021 at 12:17pm

Sometimes I blame MD for taking away my freedom in my adulthood—and everybody could easily judge what was going on with me. I have a case of Asperger syndrome and had verbally challenged all my life, so it made me look very stupid and unfriendly to others. So I was getting too much unwanted attention onto myself than necessary. So when I started maladaptive daydreaming, that only added more wood to the flames. I was a kid, so I didn't know any better about what I was actually doing to my future. Imagine moving to a small town, thinking nothing will possible go wrong. Then for the next 30 years, you constantly come upon people who bring up the exact same subject matter, such as "You're quiet!" or "Listen" or their commenting on your dazed eyes. It gets tiresome and even makes me sick. 

Comment by Pause, Replay on March 3, 2021 at 12:02pm
I had two all consuming DD binges for a few weeks at a time near the end of last year when I seriously thought I'd never be able to do anything else and they stopped as suddenly as they started. A few months later it started again and now the binge feels like normal. I can't get through a day without 'disappearing'. I used to only use it to get to sleep but now it's my waking day. It's scary how it can take over your life.
Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on January 29, 2021 at 6:59am

It's just, I was too complacent in life. I had high expectations of my future and believed I'd be happy and all good to this extent. I'd be a full-fledged artist and live my own life. I even assumed I'd be married. Everything was vice versa. I then realized, I could've had it better, if I payed attention and made educated decisions on a wise career path. I then learned that nobody knows your satisfaction, but YOU. I'm just waking up to this realization now. So I'm a shook up. To top it, I still live with my parents, and I'm almost 35. 

Comment by Rose Only on January 28, 2021 at 11:11pm

Hi Jessica, I think for us daydreamers we have to grab reality whenever we can so it won't slip through our fingers. Recently I applied to a writing workshop focusing on freelance work so I would have someone accountable that measures me. That really is the only way for me, let loose and I will skip whole days doing nothing but daydream. As long as you are alive and breathing you can make something of yourself. Even if it means daydream for 10 hours and be productive for 2. That's still something and I do believe it gets better. Good luck sweety and don't give up on yourself !

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on January 28, 2021 at 3:06pm

Sometimes, I think that I took daydreaming way too far. I was a compulsive daydreamer since 12, but never stopped to think, "This isn't good for me. I won't get far in life this way." I was extremely quiet and had trouble with social interaction, so it put a damper on my self-esteem. Worst yet, everybody was talking about my antisocial behaviour in school. MDD was a unnatural habit of escaping that pain of not fitting in. 
But I took it way overboard, and it literally effected my grades,...and my future. I attended an art & design college and pursued a degree in graphic design. I thought I was good to go, but apparently, it's a very challenging and competitive field, and you'll most likely do temporary freelance for clients. Problem is I didn't think to consider a secondary career, and I let the years go by, jumping from contract to contract...while I was compulsively daydreaming. Now I haven't been to college or university for a full decade, and I wonder if it's too late. My dad is 65 and planning to retire, and my mom's already on pension. It's the pandemic, so I'm vigorously applying to online jobs, hoping to finally get somebody's attention. I'm also considering changing my career path altogether. 

Comment by Aerial on January 27, 2021 at 11:27pm
Thank you for your answer
It’s the same thing for me. Few people know about this and it’s very hard to explain it. They don’t really understand the weight of it on my life. Perhaps because I compartimentalize/give the change for so many time now.
The best person I can rely on is my therapist
Comment by Rose Only on January 27, 2021 at 8:21pm

Hi Aerial, for your question- yes and no. I told him I love to listen to music and dance and that I need my "alone time" when I do it. He thinks it's just a little hobby of mine. He doesn't fully know/understand the gravity of it. He is addicted to Facebook so he thinks it's like that.

Comment by Aerial on January 27, 2021 at 1:24pm
Hi
I Recognise myself in your post. Specially when you explain and describe the rush that you feel and the need to add a new scene and to re imagine it again and again. Songs are often strong triggers for me
May I ask a question : have you talked about that with your husband and what does he think about that ?
For me, I observe that when I let the “scenario” goes on for a moment (sometimes hours /days) without sense of guilty or pressure, without struggling against it, it goes away more easily and then I can live my life for a while.
But it’s very fluctuating at this time in my life.

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