fOLLOW oNE cOURSE uNTIL sUCCESS

[Sparrow]

I was feeling so positive yesterday. Maybe I can blame it on the weather, feeling the sun's rays is exhilarating. I love walking and walking and daydreaming of course. Any excitement at all causes me to daydream. It's sad really that I cant enjoy happy exciting moments in my own life but instead feel this intense need to daydream up a better scenario. Why isn't what is happening in these moments enough for me... if something is bringing me joy in my real life why can I not just live in that moment? Well I am getting way better at it, at living in the moment and allowing myself to be happy and grateful when I feel happy in real life. I wonder if maybe it is a control thing? Like I know the moment will be fleeting so I try and create another moment in my head I can control? When I was younger and I was excited and needed to conger something up because I felt like I was over excited for the real life thing and I was around people or in a situation where I couldn't pace I would jump up and down and shake my hands. Okay I still do this but I am self conscious enough now to excuse myself to the washroom  and limit myself to 3-5 jumps (usually).

Anyway I daydreamed all the way to school mostly about this site and how I was going to change my life and how easy it would be now that I am accepting I have a problem and how fabulous my life was about to become... a lot of it was really constructive though, thinking of things I need to actually do to try and control this. I was almost on time for class and I almost sat there the whole time. I started thinking about all the fun things I will do this summer and then took it to the next step by playing events that could happen out in my head. I tried to bring myself back from it a few times but eventually I figured it would be easier to give in and get it over with. I ran up and down the empty stairwell a few times and then returned to class. I think once I give into it it actually gets harder to concentrate on real life and easier to keep giving in... but  just get such an impulse when my mind starts whirling away I NEED to be alone so I can pace and submit myself deeper into my fantasy, I NEED that fix. I NEED to find a new way. I allowed myself to indulge a bit after class since I had been sitting for so long, and I feel to restless if I sit in class a few hours an then on the subway for another. Besides I rationed I would be doing so much homework when I got home and it's the first really nice day... I know this is how drug addicts rationalize using. But I did manage to read my text book the whole subway ride. Daydreamed more on the walk home. It actually was easier to sit down and study now that I can say to myself "hey you are not stupid, you are not dumb, you can do this work, the only reason you haven't in the past is because you have this daydreaming addiction and you keep going into fantasy land where you pretend you do your homework" But after I stopped myself from daydreaming about 4 times with this mentality I had had ENOUGH. Daydreaming addiction? I AM A FUCKING FREAK. I knew I would get nothing more done now but I really didn't want to (couldn't?) daydream anymore so I went to my friends. Chilled in her backyard, listened to music, smoked a spliff, hooped <3 and listened to her problems. It was nice. When I got home I still couldn't focus on school. No one was home... optimal daydream chance. Instead I watched the electoral debate. I decided for now anything that is not daydreaming is positive, even if my homework takes a back burner at least I am immersed in the real world. 

Had a really nice dream about him. We went on a trip with his parents, a camping trip. I remember being in a diner and watching him catch purple butterflies outside. He was like a child. The forest looked like my cottage. People were drawn to him... just like real life. We were playing in a row boat too. It was so fragmented but more perfect than anything I could have daydreamed and nothing like it will probably ever happen. It made me so sad to wake up. 

 

Felt pretty shit most of today. No class and rainy so I stayed inside. Dicked around all morning talking to friends, surfing the web, listening to the radio. Did get homework done later in the day but not enough. Daydreamed on and off, stopped it from getting too intense. Was actually not too in the mood, mostly just in the morning. But what do I do when I feel so discouraged and sad and stuck on my homework when I know I could just escape it... that's a crucial moment I need to develop a strategy for. So far this is what I have come up with:

NO daydreaming in the morning or at night

Daydreaming is OKAY during travel time and time that cannot be spent doing anything but waiting 

NO daydreaming at school

WORK on that schedule I am supposed to use to keep me organized and on track... try scheduling in daydream time as a reward ONLY if I actually adhere to it

NO daydreaming when I am with other people (well depending on who/what I am doing, sometimes daydreaming around other people is better because I cant fully get into it, but if it's any situation I should be fully present for then dammit I will be!)

NO daydreaming about things I could actually be doing quite easily in that moment (like homework, hooping, cleaning, organizing, cooking something new ect.) Just by reminding myself I could do this right now instead of pretending about it is really helping to bring me back.

NO daydreaming for more than 3 hours EVER  

MAKE sure I am not daydreaming about real people/events(then I get so anxious/disappointed when it happens)... something I learnt when I was so depressed as a teen. I am pretty good at not doing it about real people (still do, still creates problems) and I am improving in regards to events but that one seems to be harder..

NO more clearing my schedule (why did I quit my job? ugh!) to daydream under the false pretences that I have too much on my plate and will get more done if I have less to do. This is not true. I know this is not true. I will daydream all that time away and more and feel like garbage when it's done and GET NO WHERE IN LIFE. 

Get active again it is an alternative and more productive way to use up all my energy! 

STAY POSITIVE. Stop being so hard on myself, acknowledge what I have done instead of what I haven't, believe in myself more. Negative thoughts and feelings make daydreaming so more appealing. 

STAY FOCUSED. Stop thinking I can't do things and start REALLY trying. Make schedules and lists (and not feel like a failure if I stray a bit) and goals. When I have a goal, write out what actually needs to be done to achieve it  instead of daydreaming until I am bored of the idea and sure I could never do it in real life. 

Also I REALLY want to try meditation... 

*I need a strategy to deal with the mornings, when I feel most depressed and like never getting up or out of that wonderful half sleeping half awake half dreaming state.. 

 

Well I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I think I will cut class and work on my paper. I need to finish it AND write my cover letter. Yikes. Feeling the best I have felt all day.... this time of year always seems to be particularly trying for me. As disappointed as I am that I will not be graduating I am trying to stay positive. 2 years ago at this time I HATED myself. I went to school but NEVER went to class. I didn't talk to anyone and I am a social person. Instead I listened to my ipod and walked the neighbourhoods by my school thinking about all the reasons I disliked myself or daydreaming, I only got one credit. I smoked weed all day. I was sick from too much daydreaming. Last year this time I was so depressed. We had just broken up and I was so scared for him, what he was doing to himself was so alarming. What I had allowed him to do to me, shit. He picked drugs over me. I slept all day and interneted all night. I cried in bed. I couldn't daydream or talk to anyone. The only thing that made me okay was smoking and hooping in the park on days when I could get out of bed. I didn't get any credits. So that really puts this year into perspective. Maybe I am making SOME of the same mistakes but hey, I applied to a new school, I am still going to most of my classes and working on the assignments, I don't currently hate myself, and I found this site (: