but now I see

[Sparrow]

I am so happy I found this site.  I have googled the most unspeakable things, haven't we all? Shock Value Education courtesy of the Wondrous World Wide Web. But to google "I pace uncontrollably in my room daydreaming my life away"... even the safety of my own computer, the deletion of history, of cookies... it rarely even crossed my mind. I am a freak. Google has no answers for me. Procrastinate, daydream, cyber surf.. wait I think I am more of a freak than THAT guy... impulsive, bored, frustrated. Type my darkest secret in the search bar.

 

After 23 years of feeling so overwhelmed by life and feelings of worthless and unwillingness to acknowledge that my daydreaming is out of control. Do I feel overwhelmed because of MD? Do I use MD to escape from feeling overwhelmed? How can I make that distinction? Do I feel worthless because of MD? Do I use MD as a coping method for being worthless? Word it that way and for the first time it has become clear to me. I know I am valuable, I am fortunate to receive lots of love and appreciation. I am learning to love myself. I don't think life is worthless. I feel worthless because I can never live up to her. Movie star me, a picture perfect life playing out on a screen, dramatic, compelling, heart wrenching, tear jerking, disney ending based on a true story film looping through my mind as I loop around my room, my abundant excitement over the  possible. But wait where is the possible in this completely controlled contrived collection? The place possibilities pool, I ponder the possibilities as they pile up. When I escape nothing is possible. My life is still the same. I am let down, behind, late. I am worthless. I am good for nothing. I feel worthless because I invest in my dream life instead of my real life. I do not know how to escape from my escape. But I finally realize... if I feel worthless because of MD, then my biggest fear that life is too overwhelming for me to fully engage, benefit, achieve in, is also just flawed thinking. Addictive thinking. Have you ever been to a 12 step? This is a positive realization. Positively frightening. 

 

I am going to learn to control my daydreams. I am going to make things happen in my real life. Change is life. I have come so far since I was a depressed insecure self centred teen. I have done and felt so many things I thought I would never do. I try to remind myself of this always. I AM EVOLVING. Maybe its not linear, I do regress, but it is changing with over all upward momentum. I have always found writing to be one of the most useful tools for self improvement. When I get lost in my depression I cannot motivate myself to write in my journal. Probably when I need to the most. Someone suggested I make a blog, they find it easier to keep writing. I though about making one but I never found a site I wanted to share on. Until today. I want to try and write regularly. A few times a week. I have a hard time keeping track of my life when I don't write it out. Sorry if they are long. This is for me not you. So why did I say sorry... 

 

I guess today was a great day. I found the courage to join this site. I contributed.  I don't feel good at all. Woke up at his place... share a shower, smoke some bowls, make breakfast(fruit & home made muffin). It's so nice I imagine it could always be like this. But I don't let myself think that for long, he has his own demons that will surely drive us apart again in the worst ways of worst ways. Interesting eye- weekly, went to one class, wanted to die, ate a boston cream donut. The deadlines passed for one assignment. The deadlines also passed for my research project. Which means I won't graduate. Again. Daydream on the subway about graduating. Creep him on facebook. Creep the hot girl who always posts on his wall. Daydream I catch them together and have a reason I can hate him. My hairs so long and I am so fit. Daydream I start doing yoga. Eat pierogi. Call admins office for the program I applied for. Go to the bank and the store. Cranberry juice and candy. Write one paragraph. Daydream about finishing my homework, about going away to school. Make delish coconut red tai curry with tofu, first time. Two bowls of frosted mini wheats. Creep this site all night. He wants me to call but I wont. It feels good when I am too into what I am doing (opposed to dreaming) to give a shit about him. As beautiful as he is. I guess it's time for bed. I wish I did more homework. My parents are going to be so disappointed. Can I tell them I didn't graduate because I have MD? Something I didn't even know the name of until yesterday. I hope tomorrow brings more control. I can be productive. I am not stupid. I probably do not even have ADHD. They just think I do because I can't sit still....

[Casey]

Inspiring--thanks for posting this. Keep writing: it really works for you :)