"Falling from cloud nine, crashing from the high."

Today wasn't the best. My third day at driver's ed, the last two were fine, nothing big, but today during our thirty minute break I kinda stood alone awkwardly, and I had two so called friends who just passed me up and then I saw them pointing at me and laughing and it made me mad and broke my heart. Eventually I went to sit next to my other friend, which I didn't want to cause I felt like I was annoying her, but I didn't wanna stand alone anymore. So I sat next to her and she didn't seem too excited to see me, but it was whatever. And then the two girls from earlier came and sat next to me (didn't say anything to me, just sat next to me -.-) and it hurt my feelings. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I hate days like that. Where I have to sit there and be reminded of what life used to be like for me 24/7 and the little girl I was. I get those days every now and then. Where I really just stand there alone.

 

Sometimes I'd DD about that. Just standin' there by myself and then people noticing and trying to cheer me up. But in real life no one does. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold cause no one cares. I guess that's why it's so important to love yourself, cause not many other people really do. And tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. It's humiliating to stand there by myself.

 

Anyway, the second thing that happened was I was visited by an old "friend". Headphones. Sounds stupid, but I was a big wear headphones and pace kinda girl. And I eventually cut the headphones out my life for good, but today was the first time in a while I was given some new ones. And I did just what I thought I would do. Put them in and shut the world out. Ignored my family and everything that went on around me. But the worst part is it felt good. It made me happy, and I haven't been truly happy in a loooong time. I know it's not good for me in the long run to waste hours in my own world, but is it better than being depressed all the time? Without them, I have to face reality, and reality isn't all that for me. I mean, I still put music on the computer and pace to it, but it's not the same affect, I still am somewhat in real life because I can hear my foot steps and I don't wanna be too loud and I hear what's going on around me. I brought the things home with me, but I'll probably cut em up in a while.

 

But it's sad. That that's one of the only things that makes me truly happy these days, only for a little while, but it's better than being depressed. I missed that feeling. I hate it but I miss it. :/

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Comment by Amanda Lynne on May 26, 2012 at 9:00am

Thanks for all your input and advice, guys.

 

I actually talked with those girls today and I brought it up, I tried to make a joke of it, but I could tell me bringing it up made them uncomfortable and made them feel bad, and it was awkward, but hey, I had to let them know.. lol.

 

I know I need to improve my self-talk. I talked to my counselar about that a while back. How the thoughts I think make me more anxious and paranoid than I already was. Thinking things like "everyone's looking at me, I'm such a freak, etc" and having sad flashbacks to the past. About the self-obsessed thing, Hollie, I know I'm self-obsessed. I don't wanna be, and it's not that I do it on purpose, it's just, Idk.. all I know. Anyway, it's hard to tell yourself positive things when you're standing alone in a place full of kids, but I should try.

 

It's just all getting overwhelming. I know I could learn to use my imagination to my advantage, I used to tell myself a lot, and daydreaming could, but maladaptive daydreaming can't. It will only hurt me. Because let's face it, I'm never gonna go out and pursue anything if I never get out. I just wanna get out of my own head. I wanna be happy, and have friends and stories. But I really am starting to doubt it. :/

 

Honestly, thanks for y'alls advice, love and prayers to all of you <3

Comment by Laura Gardiner on May 25, 2012 at 11:13pm

It may be possible that you were just feeling really self-conscious and assumed they were laughing at you, when that may or may not have been the case.  Same thing with sitting by your friend who didn't seem excited to see you.  A lot of times I think I know when people disapprove of me and and think I read people really well, but I may have no idea, and my mood can affect it.  If I'm feeling down about myself, then I'll notice little things that would support that feeling.  If you can, try letting go of assumptions you can't be sure about.  And just know that whether they approve of you or not, you are amazing and worthwhile no matter what.

 

As far as the headphones go, ya know, I think it's alright in this stage of your journey to let yourself feel the happiness that comes from it.  Getting those feel-good endorphins gives you more energy and more power sometimes.  And sometimes you need that power to tackle the real world.  I'm becoming really really happy, and I'm succeeding in soaking up the joy in life.  But I still daydream.  Something that helps is daydreaming before doing something that's important enough or enjoyable enough to make you stop.  Like, you have to go to school in the morning, and you can't be late, so wake up half an hour earlier to satisfy and enjoy your craving, and stop when you need to leave for school.  But make sure you're completely ready for school first, 'cause daydreaming will make you put that off.  Just a suggestion.  Only use it if you feel it will work for you.  And keep tackling real life.  You can conquer it.  Everything your escaping from, you can conquer.  Lots of love to you, Amanda.   <3

Comment by Emily on May 25, 2012 at 9:47pm

Really struck a cord for me. I really understand. I just am stuck standing there all the time, dd about being noticed for being sad, but who ever really does? No one. You're brushed off and labled as irritating or a freak :( At least you had a life before, ya know, with friends. True, I guess they weren't your true friends, but I've always been a loner. It's in my genes. And with dd on top of that?! Sigh...

 

Bottom line is I get it. I agree! I'm terrible at putting myself in words and communicating, and people just don't get it! :'( So hello headphones, hello feet I use for pacing about. Let me slip into my world for a bit and live for once in my life...

Comment by Dusty on May 25, 2012 at 6:10pm

I know what it's like to have to stand there alone, and it's not fun. And it can definitely be embarrassing. But since you found your headphones, maybe you can bring music with you so that you are somewhat occupied instead of having to face those doorknobs. Sometimes inanimate objects make the best friends.

The thing to know is that if they feel the need to say bad things about you, it's because they have issues they have yet to work out. It takes a truly confident and strong person to respect everyone else, and I think in your position the best thing to do is to be that person, as hard as that may sound. Whatever you do, don't stoop down to their level or do anything to try to "get back" at them, because you know better than that :3. If they feel the need to be mean to you or ignore you, it is their own problem, and probably due to lack of maturity. But at least this way you can TELL that they are probably not your real friends!

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