Escaping Dreamland (the dreamland's keys)

[Gina Black]

My progress has been great so far. I've climbed out of the dreamcave's depths, using little tricks and willpower. I am way less absent-minded, and can observe reality almost as well as "normal people". I am so close to the exit...

And yet can't get out.

I just don't know how to live outside MD. It has been defining me for life. I have ways to deal with reality, but my system is lacking: and the reason is simple. I've been always living in Dreamland, and communicated with reality when absolutely nessecary (such a superficial interaction!) My late achievement is a great boost in these "diplomatic communications", nothing more. I know, because I still feel empty when I represent myself in real life. I had assigned a shallow portion of myself to safely do the job of interaction, and it keeps working this way, like a well-oiled machine. My real, "whole" self still lives in the imaginary world, which is free from limits.

So...observing reality is not enough. I must actually get myself out there, or MD will never really vanish.

But who am I without MD? For example, I am known for my smile, but I can be all-smiling because I don't base my feelings on real life. I need to question that smile. The path to reality is cruel! And yet, I have to spot these hidden pieces of myself, the ones that are kept safe within my daydreams. They will be the keys to Dreamland's exit, and probably obtaining them will be the end of my quest.

[Gina Black]

Eretaia, I can relate so much to what you say...I've hurt all the potential boyfriends I've met till my 23. I did the exact same thing, approaching, giving lots of hope, then when we were about to start coming close I'd suddenly close the case. I never had any problem with girls/friends, as I were the listener. My ex was a talker too. (Online I can't shut it, though...lack of fear, I guess!)

I like the way you put it. Although personality is still hidden somewhere inside, the resulting identity is a messed-up mask. We need to pick up the pieces and keep walking, with our own feet, just like you say. :)

[Eretaia]

Hey Gina. Geez, I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to social interaction. One part of you longs to be cold and distanced yet another one longs for interaction. Personally, I feel like I'm an extroverted soul stuck in an introverted body, haha. I actually used to play a pretty dirty game: I would always manipulate people into approaching me quite successfully yet when they tried to approach too much, I often pushed them away - not because I feared rejection or being hurt but because I was afraid of revealing my own emptiness, both to myself and others, which lay within. Sort of what a narcissist would do, although I'm not one.

Anyways, ever since deciding to quit MD, I stopped being a bastard and dropped all the masks. I'm empty. My identity is lost. Fine. I've come to terms with it and I'm not going to compensate.

So, now the only thing we can do is pick up parts of ourselves which MD caused to disperse and continue writing our personal history from where we stopped.

[Gina Black]

That is a moving story, Pascale. Thanks for sharing.  So many people try to tell us who we are... Let no one tell you who you are! It is one of the things I pay for with my MD.

You do have a point about the guy. I do not plan leaving him out of it entirely, though. I've had him under control for 1-2 years, so I want to purify any hidden weakness he could use before releasing the demon for further study.  To take the flammable objects far from the fireplace, in a way. There is a possibility he is too weak to hurt me now, but he has hurt me a lot in the past and I don't want to risk it.

[Pascale]

Do not leave the destructive guy out of it. He may be the key you look for. If somebody did hurt you, you have to be angry. If not it means you accept you are no more than a carpet that people can step on. And you will always need a small avenger to make you feel good. Accept your feelings, they are here for a reason, they helped you to survive once. But the fact is the people who hurt you to feel like that.

I am very angry again my ex-husband. One day I realised he was treated me as I am treated my DD character, trying to change me to cope with his feeling. And for years I did play his game believing I was helping him. But one day I had enough and I began to show him who I really are. A few months later he left me. I realised he never loved me; he loved something that was inside his mind.

It hurt when I realised it and I have been angry about it for years. That’s when I begin DD about people in war. But DD does not help. What helps is telling to myself I am the one who can love. He will never learn this because he is too afraid to lose control.  So he will always miss the most important in life.  When I can think about it this way it helps.

And I know I will never let anybody tell me who I am. I am certainly not perfect but I am OK.  And I know enough people who think I am.

 

 

[Gina Black]

Already making progress! I found why I sometimes can't control myself in social situations (it's a little like DDing, I say stupid things on impulse before realizing or being able to stop myself-as if someone else takes over, that's how it feels). It is because I push myself to avoid over-socializing, while I am actually socially needy. My subconscious rushes out there in a need to push my connection with people, despite the fact I were hurt so much in the past, and try to be calculating/restricted. So if I put my (lately developed) fighting spirit over my past fears, I will be able to kill three birds with one stone. Embrace the social freak in me, weaken my "uncontrolled conversation" problem, and come closer to escaping MD! It's an important discovery, since my social problems play a big part in this.

Wow, I wrote a lot today. Talk about progress.

[Gina Black]

The basic plan is, to unmask the parts of myself who are/were threatened by reality, therefore moving into the dreamworld (desires I don't accept, fears I don't face, behaviors I don't expose). Then cautiously expose them to reality, one by one.

I'll start by experimenting with Pascale's idea, trying to act like my characters (http://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blogs/take-back-your-dream). I'll leave a certain destructive guy out of it, it is safer to empower my positive sides first.

Also, I'll be diving into DDs for introspection, during my "sceduled DD time". Let's see how this works out.