Emotion and lack thereof

[Wish Upon A Wish]

Okay, so I haven't thought this out very much, and it may be a little ramble-y, but I will try to avoid that.

So I just read a comment (by MatthewR) a short while ago, and I thought, how many of you appear cold and distant on the outside, but emotional on the inside? Or do you often feel more emotion in your fantasy world than when things happen in real life? Or are you often emotionally cold and withdrawn, and it shows? Or... well, what's your level of emotion-feeling like?

(If you like you can just go ahead and answer the question, this is just me talking about me from here on.)

So I often don't think I feel very much, except in daydreams and fandoms, but then I guess not a hell of a lot happens. Often if something bad happens, I actually do get a bit sad about it (or happy or whatever) but if it's sad I'll just think about something else. Often sad, unrelated things that are either daydream scenarios or something that happened in a fandom I am in. I used to cry kind of easily but I tried to shut it away because I don't like crying, it's ugly (and if you knew me, you've probably never heard me call something ugly before) and it's messy and I realise that it can help, but it rarely, if ever helps me.

Plus when I was a kid I always hung out with my brother rather than my sister and watched "boys" shows and did "boy" things... I was kind of in the middle of doing what's considered "boy" and "girl" things. A lot of the time boys are raised to be tough and not cry and all that, so I wonder if having so much of that in my childhood influenced that? I also have a lot of... I guess respect? for people that are really tough on the inside, and can make themselves cold and emotionless and logical. (Actually my brother and I had a conversation once, he said I'd make a good assassin haha) Like my ideal self or DD-me or whatever you want to call her... me? (Cod this can get confusing) can make herself cold and emotionless and withdrawn with ease (Though irl I do a pretty good job of it, I think, but she does it better and more easily).

Now that I think about it, I kind of withdraw a lot, kind of like practice to become my ideal self? Not so much when I'm around people and talking and stuff but just at random times when I'm alone. And I think a bit when I'm in a group but not really contributing because I do. not. like. big. groups.  I feel like I should make it clear that I'm not complaining about this, there's something I really like and respect about having the ability to become cold and logical (but not be permanently like a Dalek (or other robot), you feel?)

Actually, the other day on the way home from dance (I drop my friend off and then go back to mine) she got into a bit of an angry mood for a bit (she has emotional dimorphism, I believe it's called - basically it's the fancy term for mood swings) and almost as soon as she did I completely unintentionally withdrew a bit, and went cold and logical and then I realised that often when she goes into one mood I sort of go into some different mood to kind of like... stabilize it, I guess. Which is a really good thing, I think.

You know, this friend, she's my best mate and I never had a mate like that. We get on so bloody well, and we seem to be really in tune. I always wanted a friend like that when I was younger (okay, so I knew her in primary, but we were sorta-friends back then, then we lost contact then ended up in the same class again half-way through high school and bam! friendship.) and yeah. She's great. It's wonderful.

[Aquarius]

@Jennifer G - you need to see the links I'm posting, i think you'll identify with them. Do check out the exercises in the last link (top right box)
http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com/codependency%20and%20Shame...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Narcissism
http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-codependency.html

[JenBren]

I most definitely appear cold and distant to others when in fact I'm very emotional. I've talked to a therapist briefly (one session) who explained it's a result of my childhood. My mother died when I was just 7 years old and my father could not cope. He was angry and bitter and ran our house like he was a drill sergeant. There was no time for illness and we were never allowed to show emotion and certainly could never speak of my mother. As the eldest child, I had to take on a lot of the tasks my mother held: cleaning, cooking, caring for my younger siblings. I can only remember once being told 'I love you'. I know now that he suffers from PTSD but that knowledge came too late. I learned very young to hide my feelings and of course escaped in daydreams whenever I could. It is something I struggle with today. I am married with two small children. My children have a very hard time with my lack of love and affection but it is something I work very hard on. I actually have to make the conscious effort to remind myself to hug them, tell them I love them, and snuggle up with them. The hardest part - trying to play with them. To act like a child is very difficult for me. I was 'robbed' of my childhood and honestly, don't know how to let go and be childlike. I also have difficulty forming and keeping friendships and relationships because I appear snobby and cold to others and am afraid to let someone get to know me too well. Having children has taught me a lot and made me take a harder look at myself, something that's very difficult at times. I hate that I appear this way but cannot figure out how to let go and be that positive, warm, approachable individual.