Where wild minds come to rest
Slightly unrelated but I feel it's led to an increase in my daydreams.
I was in a relationship about a month ago, with a woman 13 years older than me. Some may call that creepy, others may say it's fine. I personally felt a degree of security and actually felt protective over this person like any boyfriend would. However, my darling mother, like clockwork waded in there and started prying and judging and needless to say the whole situation went collateral. My mum and me had a huge bust up, I was almost made homeless. I eventually ended up painted into a corner where my mum told me I had to choose. Understandably I chose the only safe base I have right now.
I get texts telling me I am a liar and a player and "who would want a liar like you, you played me and I feel sorry for the next person. Karma is a b**ch". Then there is my mum on the other side making me feel like a useless son, bringing up "oh you can get with her she isn't nearly old enough to be your mum". I mean how disgracefully smug of someone who supposedly forced me to break up with someone because they "love me and want to protect me". She also, has implied that she won't ever forgive me or trust me fully again and keeps bringing it up at every opportunity. I was and still am to a degree heartbroken but I am trying hard to move on despite my confidence taking a thrashing and feeling low.
My access course is up too which means I have lots of downtime until September :/.
I am feeling a little vulnerable right now. I have lost my confidence with women and am losing faith in my mum as my ideal role model she has hurt me in so many ways. I just want a stable relationship, one that will preferably last beyond a year if that is at all possible. One that isn't determined by my mums' opinion. I feel heartbroken, it was the first time I'd ever really experienced intimacy on that scale, I actually spent the night asleep holding someone in my arms rather than waking up staring at their back. I felt worth something to someone. That woman said I'd regret it and I was before that message even showed up on my phone and still am despite trying to move on.
What's more I am questioning whether I am hooked on toxic relationships or are they being poisoned by the claws of my mum who just can't let me go a little. To a degree I feel my mum has emasculated me and I don't feel desirable because I am so sensitive. To an extent the only thing I feel I can do is cut myself away from my mum and try again fresh.
Either way I feel unattractive right now, my confidence is running low and my MD is running riot. I just want something real, that isn't fantasy or an illusion for a change :/.
Whenever, I get close to someone they hurt me or I end up getting hurt. I just want what I see with other couples without the pain or fear :(
Also, my driving test is in a couple of weeks and my confidence is rock bottom with everything, I keep making mistakes which is making me feel useless :(