Depressive State

[Audrey]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago when I was nineteen. It was shortly after that that I started losing myself into daydreams. I was always an imaginative child but it was usually just with ordinary childhood games like house, Barbies, or games that children play together, with the exception of a "sort of" imaginary friend that I had when I was around three years old. She wasn't really a friend, she was another little girl that I spun around and turned into. Interesting eh?

Anyway after my mental health started to decline I started escaping into a fantasy world, always daydreaming about what my perfect life would be like. Being beautiful, funny, sparkling personality, smart, and being liked and loved by everyone. As a couple of years went by and my friends started getting married and having kids (I live in Utah girls my age get married and have kids young) I started having fantasies about that too. 

This past week has been bad though. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I have had at least one moderate to severe anxiety attack a day. I had to start taking valium again which I have been off of for awhile. Valium is a depressant and so my mood has gone down and now I'm starting to get really depressed. When someone with bipolar disorder gets depressed, they crash hard. I'm tired and cranky and miserable. I want to escape to my fantasy but I'm almost too depressed to get into which is really upsetting to me because this is how I heal myself. 

I live with my family because I'm unemployed and I can't stand to be around any of them. They are insensitive and uncaring. They see me as burden and treat me as such and I don't feel welcome in their house. I just wish I wasn't cursed with so many mental illnesses and I also wish that I wasn't sitting here throwing a huge pity party for myself and could think of something productive to do to heal myself and get better.

[S K]

Hi. I've bookmarked this blog post for over a month because I wanted to comment on it.  You literally stole the words out of my mouth. Apart from Valium, you could have been speaking my life story. I'm your age and though I haven't being diagnosed yet with bipolar I exhibit most of the symptoms. My family situation is a little different since I'm in a different culture, there's more pressure, so the uncaring part could or couldn't apply. I really, really wish I could get out but mental health creates a vicious circle of dependency.

[Faye]

Hey Audrey, I know exactly what you are going through, I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment. I thought I had a job pinned down but things took a turn and I am effectively unemployed at the moment and it too (in addition to a number of other things) is spiraling me into anxiety. For the past six weeks I have struggled with roughly two weeks of extreme MDing where I start using DD to ameliorate the anxiety so I don't have breakdowns. I feel constantly guilty because even though DD calms me down, I also feel like it takes away from the time and energy I could spend looking for a job. I also wanted to go into therapy but I don't have medical aid and a single session with someone qualified is far too expensive. I hope you find a way out of your predicament. 

[Larry]

Hey Audrey,
I think I've been in a similar spot like that too. Ya gotta get the meds fine tuned. It can be a long agonizing process like it was for me or you could get lucky and find a competent doctor right off.

One thing that has helped me is listening to guided meditations. Not actually meditating, but just listening to them as I go about my business.

Um, that thing about whirling into another child thing? Ya might want to google Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's a rare condition, but if anything about it resonates with ya it is definatley something to bring to your doctors attention.
I feel for ya right now and'll be thinking about ya this week.