Blurring the lines

[greyartist]

The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness, not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.

Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.

When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat

[Juno Jones]

All of your posts have helped me so much. I'm new to really understanding what this is about. It's hard to write about. I have not been in denial. Just had accepted that it was part of my life. I don't want to dream my life away. I've done a lot of things, had a family, a career. But maybe it's the menopause that's making it worse. I think you mentioned it in another post. I've read so many. thank you.

[The1andonlyAbber]

@Alexis Taylor I also went through a time like that. In retrospect it was kind of scary.

[Alexis Taylor]

I can relate. Sometimes I consider my MD my "real life" because my reality is so painful to deal with that I don't even want to involve myself with it. Sometimes the only reason I get up in the morning is cause I know I won't be able to daydream if I'm asleep. I wish you the best of luck, hopefully things will get better for you. 

[The1andonlyAbber]

It sounds like you're kind of at a low point right now. I've been through similar situations; I think most of us have. Don't worry, it gets better eventually (even though I'm sure it doesn't seem like it will). Maybe you can try to find more things in the real world that interest you. It helps if you can distract yourself from thinking about your daydreams.

[greyartist]

thanks Matthew, sounds like you know exactly what I am going through. I hope your anxiety and depression gets better, those make it so hard to fight.

[MatthewR]

What you speak of is the difference between living and just existing. Sometimes that's all i do. Just exist. I try to wait until it passes so i can return to living. My MDD is like a magnet, it pulls me back to that other place automatically. It's so compelling like it has power over me and i can't get a grip on it. There are days when i laugh because it's like i don't really want to change my behavior at all, I just want to do this forever. When I'm really lost in it, I forget things, and the days go by so quickly. My anxiety is terrible. My depression got really bad recently, and I spent some time in a psych ward. It was a pretty dark time. I really sympathize with what you're going through. I hope you are coming out of the darkness. I wish you all the best, Grey. Good luck!