At night.

[Mai Xiong]

Some night I’ll be in bed daydreaming. I thought of her pain. I thought of her endurances, her strengths, and her past. I couldn’t quite imagine her future though. The bed was the prefect spot to imagine being love, to imagine his embrace. I imagined fitting into the fold of his arms. I breathe in air and I imagined everything clearing away. I imagined peace in his arms. Then, I remembered I have to go to sleep. I looked into the ceiling and made it known to myself---he will never exist in my life. He is not solid—a pure imagination, a collection of thoughts in my head. I feel empty, sad—this was like an addiction symptom.

 

I think it was my fear that I want to erase. If I stop daydreaming, I think of life and that brings anxiety.  Daydreaming kinda keep me in the composure state so I don’t crumble. The crumble me over think, everything is negative, and I fall into a pit where I am the worthless one. Which is not true, but when anxiety hit that’s what fill my mind. I always have to fight for self-control whether it be through daydreaming or staying strong with a clear mind. Self-control for me is to stay positive—not that I have control over anything.

[Tulpa461]

I have this happen to me all the time.  So nice to have someone else experiencing this type of thing.