A sort-of Part II

[Joey B]

I realize many talk about their other self(-ves) and I was in too much ...shock to even think of it.  

First off, today being the first day aware of what's going on and how it happens to others, I was going to go out to dinner and do some window shopping with a friend.  It was a nice time, but I knew I was a bit off.  Even as I type this I feel like I'm seeing someone else type it (aka my "alter ego").  It's so strange.  

When I first started really remembering this, I was actually portraying a famous male rock star who has died.  Then it transferred to a made-up friend of his who suffered the pain from his death. (!!! I feel like a crazy person just writing this.)  

Then it stuck.  I've tried to make her die, you name it.  

About her: She's hitting 50 now, gorgeous, singer/songwriter/performer, wild personality, of course, love by everything.  I notice a common theme for a lot of the stories that the person is always like a celebrity-- loved, beautiful, talented.  Something we seem to aspire.  

It really is a slap in the face to some extent.  

Like others, I also have had severe problems with anxiety, self-consciousness, and have tried to not be so noticeable with it by instead using humor to vent it, sort of self-deprecating.   My studies have always suffered and so has my social life, I really just walk into a room and see this ego, not myself.  Thinking about it all day today all I felt was, "Jeez, how is this ever going to go away?  These memories aren't even my own."  

I have no idea how to listen to music anymore without the fake thoughts of her having been the writer of those songs.  What a mess.  I think to take away from 'music listening feed-time' I'll try to read books, magazines, but living with older family and no one to hang with, I'll have to do whatever it takes to either sleep constantly or keep busy!  

BTW: I apologize now for I may be doing lots of blog posts, please try not to mind.  I have no one to vent too, and I'm not too thrilled about posting this on places like Tumblr for fear of someone finding out that knows me.