It has a name!

[Joey B]

I'm new here and found this via The Experience Project, along with various experiences I commented on.  

This has been going on for a very long time, since age 4? 6?  I really can't say.  But I do remember when it started to take away from my life.  I was 12.  I started high school (we had no junior high, you went to the big school from grades 7-12).  Lots of things at that time were horrific and I began having mood swings and a lot of depression.  Since then I've had lots of other things define my life, but this one issue, this nonstop fantasy world thing... always comes back.  I've had no luck figuring out it was or what the hell was causing it.  I thought it was maybe a brain lesion (I have epilepsy) or from drug abuse (but it was before that).  So it's always been so confusing.  I see a great psychotherapist, but he rarely pays attention to this when I bring it up.  I think, because when I talk with him (which I enjoy, insanely!) it's because it's the only place I go (once every other Wednesday) where I am me.  

That other person-- vanishes when he enters the room and begins as soon as I leave.  At this point I have figured out it's THIS and I'm guessing he has only read minimal information on it. 

For me, it is a PROBLEM.  I think it's beautiful, but so is a computer virus is you break it down. 

- No social life other than online. 

- Insomnia since age 13, have been hospitalized twice because of it. 

- Unable to drive. 

- Never had a job, tried once at 16 - quit almost immediately. 

- Life has revolved around anxiety. 

- Live with family. 
- No real bff since age 17, just online close friends. 

- Never had a relationship.

I'm 25.  This has eaten my life away.  But I'm so glad I know what it is.  It seems most say figuring out your triggers and avoiding it.  I've tried looking in the mirror and telling myself "SEE? THAT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE" and the alike. It just made me cry. I have serious heartbreak and memories over this... NOTHINGNESS.  I do feel creative, but that's where it ends.  I've tried to actually play guitar and sing, I can't.  I can't draw good, and I do terrible with people.  

I've always hated my appearance and nothing is ever good enough-- all which seem pretty common with others.  It also doesn't help I grew up as the only kid for miles in a rural town, living with my grandparents.  But that's history, this fake shit in my head isn't.  I'm so glad to know what this is and that it's not some brain tumor or something.  I just want to get better. 

One thing that hurts, though, is one of my biggest triggers (which I knew always was, but figured it's just how much I enjoyed it... until about a year ago...) is music.  I love music. But it automatically puts me somewhere else as someone else.  

I thank you all for this place and I realize it took 25 years to create this monster, it won't go away nightly.  My family has never known, but I have told one friend.  My one close BFF from high school (we no longer talk) I think was suspicious.  

[Joey B]

Thanks everyone for the replies! The past few days it's had a big affect on me, I've tried my best to catch when I'm going into a little daydreaming "fit." I realized the worst is at night or when someone leaves the room, lol. It just kicks in and I have to catch myself! I made it two full days without any of it, then last night I decided to challenge myself, in a way. Usually I'd get hammered at night and well, go to town with daydreaming.

So I had a few beers and a few shots (not recommended, this is my sign to quit drinking!) and let it kick in. It didn't feel the same, it was strange. I had terrible sleep last night, so all day I've been in a fog and just thinking about how this has taken up so many years... every day so many hours. I have noticed that my anxiety is lower not having my mind running scenarios and conversations all day, and I'm "okay" with going to sleep. Before I was so manic at bed time, I couldn't sleep or WANT to fall asleep having to finish conversations... lol.

And now, I take some Zzzquil and I realize, this is okay. But right now I'm trying to take in the lonliness and trying to also figure out who I am. It almost makes me question my interests and things of that nature-- I always had the interests of my alter-egos (etc.) as interests in real life, I'm not sure if it's the 'shock' of all this or just the fact I'm wigging out that is making me disinterested in so much.

Anyway, so I had a small fall out-- I'm not worried about that. Oh what a rant! I just wanted to reply to each person. LOL!

Mo-- I really thought I was a monster for a long time. When I was young they just said I had an overactive imagination and I liked to be alone. Well, they have no idea!!!! LOL!

Joaquin-- I'm so glad to hear your life isn't affected much by this. I wish I had that, haha. I freak out in public, around people-- I'm literally that Socially Awkward Penguin, and I think hiding away in my room hasn't helped!

Eretaia-- I will be bringing this up on my next appointment. I see him everything other week, and I'm just going to start by saying "I realized something and now I'm less stressed," that right there will get him interested. I wonder if he has heard of this, he's incredible, so he may have. I also read that article, and I take Carbatrol ER-- not quite the same. It just makes me tired and my head feels slow! lol! I will avoid that though if I ever need a med. change!

Greyartist-- It's amazing. I can't understand why doctors don't take this seriously. Of course I'm not saying we all should be considered ill or anything, but some of us clearly need help to learn to moderate it, or shift it's energy, or just understand it! Can you imagine the actors we could be? =P

CreativeWriter-- I hear you. I don't want to reveal this to family or even close friends. It's a bit odd, and how many people would beleive we would put so much time into imagining all this stuff!

Windy City Day Dreamer-- I feel you. People compliment me with certain things and I never 'get it,' I try to say thank you but it's always like I'm faking. It's like nothing is ever right, enough, and I wonder if I'm just really greedy or my standards are ridiculous...

Anyway, I've had the imaginary friend ordeal since I was say, 3-4? Then from there this just all built up and kept going and going and going. Boy how it has snowballed. I've worried I was being consumed by a past life at times! I really went quite nuts trying to figure out why I do this. Thank you Google! I will check out that book. =)

And wow, how music plays on this. I've retired my mp3 player-- hoping that also helps. I live with family and the radio is on 24-7, so it's a little tempting, but it's also music I dislike so I can push that off a bit!

Elude! Well, I'm eager to see what name they come up with, lol. I've been diagnosed with everything from Bipolar Disorder, psychosis, general anxiety disorder, BDD, GID, ADHD-- but the meds. never help, therapy has been very helpful but this 'thing' always existed. I've probably spent entire days daydreaming, and it's scary because I'm not kidding. You forget who you are until you look in a mirror then you are almost offended at what you see.

Boy I rant too much! My apologies. Thanks again everyone. =)

[Mo Morley]

Its great,  isn't it? There's actually other people out there who experience this stuff too! I just found the site myself a few days ago and its been such a relief to know I'm not the only one. Welcome :)

p.s. theres nothing to hate about your apperance. You look fine to me. :)

[Joaquin]

hrmmm, we have more in common other than the MD...

I also have epilepsy and take recreational drugs (weed, speed and Cocaine). I've already posted on whether these factors can be a stimulant to my MD. However unlike many people on these boards, my MD has not particularly affected my life. I have a relatively good social life, I do get good grades at school. Music is my trigger too, also football (or soccer) for some reason. I've never told anyone, I'm afraid of the consequences and what they might think of me. However I think it would be best to try your best to get the psychotherapist to discuss the matter.

[Eretaia]

Talk to your therapist. Insist. If your fantasy weakens when he's there, then he's your source of potential motivation and he's your ticket to freedom. Also, you may also want to check this post: http://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blogs/md-catalyst

The person stated that certain medications for epilepsy worsened his conditions, so given that you have it as well, I thought you'd be interested.

[greyartist]

Welcome Joey. It does help to know you not the only one with it. Because the more of us coming out of the shadows the better chance of getting some real treatments.

[Windy City Day Dreamer]

Music is also one of my triggers as well. I love music as well.  I have had MD since I was eight years old.  I see my MD as a way to avoid pain- the pain of being alone, pain of inadequacy, pain of not living the life I was meant to be living.  I am reading " The Tools: Transform Your Problems into Courage, Confidence, and Creativity" by Phil Lutz.  I have found this book helpful.