A Not-So Maladaptive Daydreamer?

[Vendela Collins]

I'm so glad I found this site. Just like so many here, I was completely aware that others did this until recently. MDD is not well known by any means. I would love to share my story for anyone who is curious.

I'm not the type of person you would likely expect to have a disorder like this. I'm young, vibrant girl living in the U.S. I'm outgoing, friendly, and very passionate about my various pursuits. I'm at the top of my class (I've had a 4.0 GPA all my life). I'm active in my community; I play sports, act, and work as an ambassador to a women's right's organization called Girl Rising. I love fashion, makeup and literature. I'm also vegan, an aspiring cook, and bisexual. I write books in my free time, as well as draw and play piano. 

Now that's quite a picture, but it helps explain my story...

In my childhood, I was constantly moving around the country. I had many friends as a kid, and I was always outgoing and friendly. However, after 20 elementary schools (I have moved over 30 times) people began to seem a bit insignificant. I began to think of friends as temporary and disposable, because I knew that I would always move again within a few months. Relationships started to mean very little to me as the years went on. My MDD began then. 

I never thought anything of it as a kid, and I only started to realize that I did it when I was twelve or so. That year I moved to Washington D.C. If you don't know, D.C. is extremely expensive and a modest living is worthless there. My father has always been a tightwad, but it really started to show then. I slept on the floor of the shady, cockroach-infested apartment he was renting. He was too cheap to pick a safe neighborhood or even to buy me a bed. At this age I was also a bit pudgy from youth and stress-eating and that didn't help my mental state. My father was, and still is, a [functioning] alcoholic, and my mother was mostly absent due to depression.

In school I was always considered exceptionally intelligent, and after an IQ test that year it was determined that I would go to a special, advanced school in a very expensive part of D.C. I went to school with kids much smarter than I had ever encountered, all of whom were supremely rich and talented (some went to Harvard at age 14) so instead of shining I felt insignificant. 

My young mind couldn't cope with it all, so this is when my daydreaming became less of an indulgence, and more of a necessity. I became absolutely addicted to TV shows and YouTube, images of girls who had perfect lives and everything I wanted. It helped greatly numb the pain of me missing my friends, struggling in school (even as a gifted child) and living in terrible conditions.

I would lay in my bed after school and just daydream and watch TV all night. I had no siblings and no one to spend time with. At this stage my fantasies were mostly normal and more materialistic than emotional. This behavior and thinking led to a childhood depression, which isn't surprising given that mother had been depressed for years at that point (due to my father's abuse).

Eventually, my parents divorced and I moved to live with my mother in the rural midwest. I was just entering high school, and it was then that I entered a stage of numbness. I was done feeling pain and crying about my life and loneliness. I literally became numb to my own emotions. My mother, of course, thought this was odd. I seemed a bit like a 40-year old, and a bit like a psycho. I didn't cry. I didn't do much of anything at all. I smiled when she told me to smile, and sat perfectly still and quiet for hours on end. I never did much to comfort her (which looking back I bet was because I thought she was weak). No one would have known at this point that I was a MDD, or that I was even daydreaming. I never physically move my body or twitch in anyway when I'm daydreaming. I just look lost in thought.

I started high school (grade 7) I was sleeping on my grandparent's couch, where I lived (and slept) for two years. My mother had no money or job, so we had nowhere else to go. I spent my days exercising profusely, working very hard in school and, of course daydreaming. There was no where to go. Nothing to entertain me. After all, my town has under 1,500 people. 

This is where my daydreaming turned into a full-fledged world. I had no alternate self in this first "world" I created, but it was very intense and vivid, and unlike before, emotional. I created deep emotional connections with the characters in my head and real life sort of phased out into the background. 

After many years, I still live in a tiny town in the midwest, surrounded by corn fields. I have since overcome depression and "emotional detachment" and am now happier. I live in a small, but safe, house and will live here until I leave for college. 

For me, MDD has been supremely helpful, and that is why I'm sort of confused as to whether or not it is truly a disorder for me, or just something about me. When it was strongest in my life I was very alone and I needed comfort. Without it the pain of loss and sadness might have completely overwhelmed me. I'm a perfect student, always able to concentrate through long lectures and text passages. I am still friendly and passionate. I like going out with friends. I feel very in-control of my own life, even if I don't distinctly enjoy it right now, and I'm always tethered to reality. I have goals and hopes for the future. I care very much about how others perceive me, that they don't think of me as odd or shy. I like to look good, and to be outgoing. However, I still think my daydreaming is maladaptive. It's just for another reason.

The reason I believe that my daydreaming is maladaptive is not that it is in control of my life, because I can go long periods without it, it is that the world that I've created is so much "better" than real life that I still find deep friendships/romances unfulfilling. I would rather enjoy the company of my fictional lovers or friends than a real person. Why? I have lasting, deep connections with these people. My alternate self has fallen in love, deeply, and experienced heartbreak and everything in-between. And that is something I don't know if I can come out of. Will I ever enjoy people more than those in my fantasies? I'm not sure. 

I'll see what the future holds, and hopefully I will find that when I meet people in life that I enjoy, that I can put my MD aside to make room for them.

Please share thoughts/questions!

[Blanca Luna]

First of all hello from one bisexual to another :) I agree with MatthewR, I personally am not fulfilled with relationships with anyone (whether romantic, friends, etc) in real life because I have been let down and disappointed by so many people. In my daydreams, my friends love me unconditionally and are always there to listen and lend a hand. In real life, I have been backstabbed, used, talked bad about, and betrayed many many times. So Id much rather settle for my daydreams to escape this harsh reality.

[MatthewR]

The relationships we form in our mind are perfect. The reality is dreadful, and it occurs to me that my own fantastic fixations are a consequence of this disappointment. I would rather not face the unfortunate reality of the present, but rather, keep my eyes firmly set on some indeterminate point in the future, where my dreams are fulfilled and my wishes granted. For me, anxiety is my enemy. I'm afraid to get stuck somewhere. I don't want to be controlled or feel the burden of obligation, because I don't think i can follow through or live up to expectations. I want to be and do good. I do care obsessively about what others think, how others perceive me, and where i stand in a group setting. I know many things you say ring true with me, but i think you are far more intelligent, confident, and creative. Perhaps, it's the thought of being constrained by a real relationship that makes the imaginary ones more attractive? If you commit to one person--male or female--does that automatically omit you from some other, more promising relationship in the future? Does it tie you down, or stoke fears of being trapped? i know i have a terrible fear of being abandoned, believing that it is easier to endure isolation than risk companionship. I admire your ability to accomplish things, especially writing books. I hope to hear more about you and your dd'ing worlds.  

[Silverfish]

I actually wanted to correct my previous comment! They weren't alternate realities, they were alternate planets. 

[Silverfish]

My insiders are people, but not in the way one might imagine. they are people, but if they were to appear in our reality, many wouldn't see them that way.  they resemble anthros kinda??,  they're a little hard to describe accurately.  They're normal for the most part, there are may with abilities and powers though. The supernatural and magic exist there too, but it's commonplace so it really doesn't change much. I also have alternate worlds too and they differ wildly from one another. Not everyone's human, there are many animals and creatures. Despite all their differences they interact freely with each other, visiting other worlds and such.  They mostly visit this sort of in between place.  It's between their reality and my reality.  Kinda like a central if you understand.  That's why they know of my reality and I know theirs. 

[Vendela Collins]

Good question. If I'm getting this right, and correct me if I'm wrong, you're asking if the characters in my dream-worlds know of the real me? As in the person who is sitting here and writing this? No, mine never do. Some take place in completely alternate worlds, others in different time periods, and the others are just totally separate from me. Are your "characters" normal people? Mine are often supernatural (immortals, witches, vampires, etc.) so they mostly spend time amongst themselves. My human "characters" are in completely separate time periods and realities so I never have even thought of them knowing of me. What kind of people do you dream up?

[Silverfish]

This is interesting to here.  I had something similar to this.  ( Not quite the same but you catch my drift. )  My question to you would be do the insiders know of the world outside? do they know about, like a person in a alternate world with a life outside of them, or do they only know the world they exist in?  Mine were very aware of me as a person and me as their friend.  That isn't to say they didn't have lives of their own. They lived away from me while also living close to me, if that makes any sense.

[Vendela Collins]

In my dream world, my alternate self is dating a man like the one of my dreams. However, he's not perfect by any means. He is very funny, charming and laid back. But he is also lazy, temperamental and a bit dirty. He has a shady past but treats as if it doesn't bother him. I became very intrigued with the idea of a man like this: prone to sly, quick witted comments and capable of playing dirty, and yet down to earth and loving. His past and opinions on various topics are mysterious, like a puzzle I continue to figure him out. So, the reason I don't typically enjoy the company of real world romantic partners is because he is always in my head, completely in my own control. His personality just clicks so well with mine that I find it hard to find real people in the world to match this level of interest and connection. I do have a good friend, Bree, who does truly interest me and I do feel a deep connection with her. But she is an asexual so I'll have friendship with her and nothing more. Thats fine, really. 

Besides Damien (that's what I named my alternate self's boyfriend), I have several other characters and relationships I can daydream about that are very fulfilling. One is my alternate's mother (completely different from my own mother) who is also complex and fascinating. She is a CEO of a large corporation, 200 years old, and a witch. However, she looks and acts like none of these. Usually with Amara (my alternate's name) she is stark and dismissive, but she can also be sentimental, angry, and giddy at times. 

In another dream-world, my alternate self is an advisor  (and political correspondent) to a very young and inexperienced emperor, who won power from his father during a war. He is very different from Damien, and yet I still feel a deep connection with him as well. It took a very long time, but eventually he and my alternate became romantically intertwined as well. It was like falling in love with my best friend. 

[Source]

I'm curious about the difference between your dream-world people and the real ones, from your perspective. What makes the connections with 'outsiders' unfulfilling?