A Little Bit Is Never Enough

[Stacy]

So it has now been 3 full days with no DDs. I'm proud but at the same time my confidence is starting to waver. I had the day off today and was alone most of the day in the house so it was a hard day. But I made it through.

A lot of times when I start to quit (this time included) I find myself almost arguing with myself over whether I should start up again. Its kind of like the whole devil/angel on the shoulders thing. The "devil" (not the actual devil. I'm not having satanic hallucinations or anything) tells me, "Are your DDs really hurting anything? You know they aren't real so what does it matter? You could just do it for today. You could only do it when you're totally alone." I once told myself I would only do it in the car. But the problem is that while there's part of me that feels like its the only thing that makes me happy and I shouldn't deny myself something that makes me happy, part of me knows better. Its like the morbidly obese person who's going to die if they don't lose weight saying "But brownies and cake and ice cream make me happy. Why should I stop eating them?" Or the alcoholic (by the way this is based on fact because my dad is an alcoholic and this happened to him) saying "I'm only going to have a couple beers a night. I won't drink any more than that." You know that that will last a couple days at most and then they'll be right back to drinking a 15 or 20 beers a night. One is never enough for addicts. Once you get a taste of it again you need to keep doing it. Because I've experienced this before I can tell myself that I know I won't be able to only do it a little bit. I'll do it a little bit and then once I get into it again I won't be able to control it any more. I'll do it all the time or not at all. There's no in between for me. 

By the way I've noticed that there are some people with MD who have no problem at all with DD. They enjoy doing it. They don't see it as something they need to stop doing. I'm kind of envious of these people. I wish I could just do it without all the guilt, shame, fear, worry, and other conflicting feelings that go on as a result of it. I wish I could just enjoy the fantasy but I can't.

[Stacy]

@sophie bee- a black hole is a really good way to think of it. I actually almost black out sometimes when I DD its like I'm only seeing in my head and my eyes aren't seeing anything at all and then before I know it I snap out of it and realize how much time has gone by when it only felt like it was 10 minutes or so. It consumes your whole life. 

[Sophie Bee]

I feel guilty about doing it too, because it wastes time that I could be using to invest in my real life.

For me it is also definately like an addiction- I'll say to myself; 'right, I'm gonna go DD for half an hour then I'll get on with my homework'..... two hours later and I'll still be in my room, DDing away. Its virtually impossible to pull myself away once I've started.. A little bit always turns into alot even if I dont want it to..

I think if I had more control over how much time I spend DDing then I would learn to enjoy the little bits of time away in my fantasy world, but because its like a black hole that sucks me in and wont let me out again for some time, it makes me feel really rubbish about myself.

[Stacy]

@Jennifer- I think possibly the people who don't have any problem with it are so out of touch with reality that they really are in denial about it. Or they are so far removed from society and other human beings that they just don't care. I could be wrong. I know when I lived in an apartment by myself I did it constantly and other than being afraid someone would see me through my windows or something it really didn't bother me that much most of the time. But I also didn't have very many friends are any life to speak of lol.

[Jennifer]

Ms. Jenna, I agree with you; It makes me feel guilty and ashamed, too. And Ms. Stacy, I can relate to everything you wrote about. I am actually surprised some people don't have any problem with their daydreaming habits. :/
Best of luck to you!

[Jenna]

Yeah me too. I love dding but it makes me feel guilty an ashamed. I hope to get rid of most of my MD time but I wish Icoild go like 15 mins a day and then I would be good.