Hi

I have a question

I have difficulty talking to people. Its not that I don't know what to speak. But I can't speak, literally. My heart rate increases and when i speak my voice shivers and i start stammering a lot. Sometimes i even start crying.

I have friends and family, with them i can talk normally. But when someone confronts me or speaks against me, or bullies me, the above mentioned things happen.

And when that incident is over, which means that I am alone, then i start MDing. I can't stop MDing then, i try so hard to stop but fail.
In those MD i would speak against the person, or MD of a whole different scenario where i am 'winning' against that person.

I don't have any control over my mind. It seems like its driving me. It continuously MDs without my permission or desire. I hate it. Earlier I didn't hate it, but now I do.

It feels so small, helpless and miserable. I can't even speak. And I am 22 years old. I don't even have the words to explain this feeling.

So I wanted to ask, that is there anyone who feels like this. Or can help me in any way.

Thanks

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Comment by someone on September 14, 2021 at 10:13pm

hi jacob,

yeah, i know the feel. I too discovered earlier this year that it is called MD, i too once thought i had schizo but i never settled on that thought. I hope we all get better soon !

Comment by Jacob on September 14, 2021 at 5:13pm

I dont know that i will be much help but yes i have the same things and i don't have an answer for you as i only found out this month what to call my "day dreams" it was sorta a relief as i believed i was like schizophrenic or something but to scared to tell any one about it, on the other hand i still dont know what the proper way to deal with it is . But i want you to know that its not just you and there is atleast some one out there who understands the stress you have to endure i wish you the best of luck and hope you find ways to handle this as i cant offer any advice on that end.

Comment by someone on August 29, 2021 at 12:52pm

hi, alona

i am really lucky to meet you who is a professional, i will try reaching you with my problems

So according to you I should address my anxiety first, but i don't know how to. I read that social media causes anxiety, so i left instagram facebook and twitter, and it wasn't easy, it took months but now i rarely visit it. It has improved me definitely, but not completely. tbh i really don't know how to address anxiety. 

And i can't seek professional help due to some reasons, maybe i'll do it later. thanks for helping

Comment by someone on August 26, 2021 at 6:19am

hi, dreamavoyeur

yes i agree, about the part that our minds are good at doing things instead of not doing them. 

You said about taking small steps like making gestures or something, I'll definitely try that but i want to tell you that, there are like a lot of things happening already to me (which i told about in post) i get immersed in them only, and at that time i am not able to think clearly also. I tried joining online groups for that, audio only. But wasn't able to speak anything and people just went on and on with each other about random topics so comfortably. I tried then recording myself on webcam (i also get weird in front of camera), that i think helped a little bit. I'll try to record myself and watch what i am doing wrong while speaking. For example i discovered that i speak very low voice so maybe the other person doesn't ever hears what i am saying, and i think he ignored me, i haven't been able to raise my voice, but atleast i know that i have to increase it. 

Thanks for replying, I hope i improve very soon!

Comment by alona on August 25, 2021 at 6:57am

hi, 

i have never been to a therapist; however i am a psych major on my to become one. of course that relegates no professional weight to my opinion, but i can share what i know. the way you describe it, i can see your anxiety is intrusive, and as you say, prevents you from being able to speak up or stand up for yourself, or even have regular conversations with people you don't know well. all therapies geared towards anxiety involve some form and level of confrontation, essentially exposure therapy. as to your MDD, not being a recognised condition, there is no therapy targeted towards it. there is also my personal belief that some degree of daydreaming is okay, perhaps even healthy (you're not obligated to agree with me here). however, it does sound to me like your anxiety (and events that transpire because of it) are a major trigger for your MD, and once it is addressed, you might be able to exercise a lot more control over it. i really would encourage you to reach out to a professional. but if you have any more questions, please let me know. hope everything works out.

Comment by dreamavoyeur on August 24, 2021 at 8:29am

Going through the conversations we weren't satisfied with and daydreaming about a different outcome is perfectly normal - even for non-MDers. If it gets intrusive and you feel like those thoughts are beyond your control, it might be precisely because you don't want to have them. Our minds work better if we try to make them do something, instead of not to do. Try welcoming those daydreams and find something you could implement in a social environment next time - not even a response, but maybe a gesture? You don't have to have an answer for everything - especially bullying. It is better to say less and make it meaningful, rather than saying random stuff and ending up speaking pure gibberish (and don't forget silence sometimes is louder than words). If you want to feel more comfortable around people, start with smaller groups, ideally with the ones you already have something in common - you could try going to different workshops, or to your favourite local book- or gamestore and look for an opening to have a short exchange with a stranger. Museums and small galleries are perfect for that too. And most importantly - do not rush, try to speak slowly. I know it's easier said than done - I have a stuttering and mumbling problem myself - but it's the only solution. No speech therapy will help if it's the anxiety that causes your state. You could also consider recording yourself speaking about a particular thing and then recognizing which words are the hardest to pronounce or whether you have a tendency to lower your head which then makes it difficult to hear you - and attitude is everything. Fake it 'till you make it. 

Comment by someone on August 22, 2021 at 9:25pm
Hi. Yes I had anxiety also in the past, but now its better. Still a lot of betterment is needed, though.
Have you ever been to a therapist? What do you think he would suggest me?
Comment by alona on August 21, 2021 at 10:56am

hello, 

what you are describing sounds like anxiety. being in a confrontational situation, or in unfamiliar settings or people, anxiety can be triggered, causing what you describe experiencing. it sounds like MDD has become a sort of coping mechanism for you, to destress from that situation. honestly, the best thing you could do is seek out professional help. MDD isn't a recognised condition, but you shouldn't have to feel that level of anxiety or discomfort in any situation. i'm sure a professional can help you figure out how to navigate such situations. and this community is always here to support you! i'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time right now, but hopefully things will get better soon. good luck!

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