Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
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few days ago i found this site. earlier i was confused what is wrong with me. sometimes i thought, this is normal, this is how everyone is. But then i didn't liked it, i didn't wanted to live with it. i know i will never take myself out, i'm not that brave. but still i wished, something bad may happen to me and it may all come to a peaeful end. i don't know when it started, maybe when i was very small. my parents used to fight alot when i was very small, then i often imagined all the bad things that could happen to them, but it wasn't md i guess, it was natural. but thats how back i can trace myself trying to suck satisfaction out of a stimulation in my head. then i often wished things would be normal for me like my other friends. there were property disputes among my father and his brother and all fights and abusing each other. i hated it. my cousin sister and i often wished if we could run away from this home and to someplace where we can be happy and things could be nice. we used to call our house a haunted house. i used to think about it all the time, i probed my father's phone and saw the messages he sent to some girl, i hated her. she was the reason my parents fought all the time, my mother cried all the time. i hated her from the core of my heart. i used to check my father's facebook, emails and other messaging platforms. i hated him too. yet everyday i woke up seeing his face. i never did anything in real life, but i would imagine all sort of things, and that gave me satisfaction. it wasn't md, i guess. bcoz i was able to control my thoughts then and think whatever i liked to think. but i think this was the buildup. i had problems making friends too, i am not good at communication. in school, when i was small i had friends with whom i hanged out. but my circle started drying out.
i think that sums up my childhood. i don't think anything was wrong with me then. i think i was normal child facing normal problems. but still i could have somehow supported the buildup of md.
then lets jump from there to class 9, it was a new class first day new teacher . she made a different sitting arrangement, to which i wasn't used to. she made us sit one girl one boy. and sat beside a girl named shambhavi. as soon as her class got over we switched our seats back with our friends. we sat with her arrangement in her class only. when i sat beside her she used to talk with with me real nice. i don't know how or when i started liking her. i never ever felt like this for a girl. her sight made me so happy i cant tell. and then i would listen to her all day and her stories. i don't know what love is or how we know it is love, but whatever it is, in those moments i was closest to love, if not love. she was such an amazing person. but this blog is about me. so it would be better if i wrote about myself. that time i used to watch a lot of shahrukh khan movie, and that was my only source for information about love and girl. at that point i didn't had any close friend or anyone i could tell my feelings to, and they could maybe suggest me what to do. so then i started ruining everything beautiful i and she had created between us since past 6 months. thia is like one of the things i would change about my life if i could. so it was all good, we were friends and she talked her heart out to me and i would sit beside her and would listen. i never cared about my grades but now i started scoring good marks just to impress her. she was weak in maths so she would often ask me questions about it. in start i wasn't able to answer coz, duhh!..i was weak in every subject. but then i completed my maths chapters by studying whole night and day. then in school i would clear her doubts. i felt so proud when she understood the questions i explained. it was a kind of romantic experience in my own weird way for me. after the examinations i scored highest marks among boys. i couldn't believe it, it was awesome. she gave me a movie to watch 'chennai express' it still makes me nostalgic whenever i hear the tune of the movie. it was all so good. she made me feel good about me. she made me a better person. but this is what happened in those beautiful 6 months. then i accepted that i loved her. but never knew how to express. no help form others also. so whenever i was home i thought about it. everytime.
i used to feel the stimulation my mind created. in those stimulations everything good would happen. i thought of all the ways she could be mine. then more than the real world. more than the real her. i was more immersed in my own stupid fairytale. i carried the feelings i felt in my imaginary world into this real world, and would act likewise in front of her. in the movies i saw that the actor stalked the actress and stare at her for long enough then she would come to him and say those magical words.and guess what i did the same. i stalked her, started staring at her alltime. she must have been freaked out and thought me as a creep, but then i wasn't thinking reason. leave thinking, i was all time staring at her stalking her , or was immersed in my imagination deep. and would feel her.(not sexually!) and i lost track of what was happening in real world, where my relationship with her was going. i would punch myself so hard if i could, my then self. i remember she came few times to talk with me, but i acted like an asshole in front of her. with fucking attitude and i don't know what. i just don't know what was wrong with me. why did god made such a defected piece of shit. but then she stopped talking and ignored me like she did. and i was in my own imaginary world. class 9 got over. then i thought that she can never be mine. then i started feeling sad, and then i saw back and realised what have i done. after the end of class 9. but then i wasn't gonna stop here. i was a terminater designed to ruin my own life. after crying i felt so relived. and then i realised that it feels so good after crying. then i would think about all the bad and sad thngs that can happen and then feel bad about it and then i would cry. then i remember after few weeks i couldn't cry also just by thinking all the bad things that can happen to me. so i started staring at something so waters would come in my eyes and then it would feel like i am crying, then i would think sad things and let that drop slide down. it was all like a drug for me. i don't know what i want to do to my then self more, hug him and cry or shoot him in the head with a fukin shotgun. this was the time when my parents' relation was in very bad state. i knew he hit her but he never did it in front of me. but then one he did. he slapped her so many times in front of me. she was crying. i was sitting eating dinner in front of them. i didnt knew what should i do. maybe i should have done something that night, i don't know. i dont regret not doing anyhting but its so unsetteling. i love my mother, i dont want bad things happening to her. i knew they were still happening , but now it was different it happened in front of me. i dont like regret not doing anything but still something inside of me died a painful death at that moment. i thought earlier and believed that i can save her i will fight for her to death. but now it was different, i did nothing i just sat there watching it all. i dont blame myself for anything but now i knew that i couldn't save her. my respect for myself died. i never wanted myself to defeat anything that hurt my mother but i just wanted myself to fight you know.. maybe just stand and scream STOP. or anything but i did nothing. i just sat there watching it all. i dont blame myself of anything but i just became much small in my eyes. i knew i wasn't capable of doing good for someone i love so much. i dont know why i did nothing. if there would have been a md about it then surely i would have shown my heroics there. but i just sat there doing nothing. it was like a white murder of my believe in myself that night.
i think i still didn't had the md, coz i was able to control my thoughts mostly. but things were building up for the climax
then class 10 started,
maam changed our sitting arrangements again, now i sat beside a different girl named nisha. this is the time maybe (i don't remember precisely) when i started watching porn and masturbating. i used to feel so bad and like guilty after masturbating. i promised to myself that i would never do that again everytime after doing it. i used to have these deals with god at that time when i was small. like 'god please get me the bicycle and i would never irritate my little brother' things like these. i don't know how, but it worked, suprisingly. but now it doesn't.sadly. so i thought all this gross stuff is not good, and i dont feel good and surely its something that i do by hiding so it must be wrong. then i thought i had to do something. then i made another deal with god. i said that if i masturbated ever then i would never have her. but guess what even she couldn't keep me away. i again mstrbtd then i thought i made some changes in the deal. well actually i can write about it but i don't want to, but i made some fucked up changes in the deal and kept making those changes everytime i mstrbtd . i was all so dirty. i was so dirty. in school she stopped talking to me. i continued my staring and stalking shit. i thought its happening coz of my broken deal. it was so much mess in my head. there were so many things in my head...ughhhh...! more like AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......!!!! so when i was at my home so these things were going on porn ,mstrbtion ,pre-md? or simply forced imagination
bye for now i'll continue later
I have MD plus (social)anxiety. It has been affecting me since always.
Recently due to some fungal problem on my head, doctor prescribed me some meds(i lost the prescription now) , they seemed to help me afar anxiety(idk how). When I stopped taking them cause the problem was solved, anxiety came back.
And after 3 months i have a exam which is very important to me as I am in final year of college. I really want to do well there.
So can anyone suggest me…Continue
so mostly in my mds the characters are me or bollywood version of me, and all the people i know. they are just sort of watching everything that is happening. mostly they are people with whom i have recently tackled except my ex of course! like the ones i recently met or the ones i had a conversation with online. things like there...(so let me call these people plus-people, with whom i tackled lately or something happened with them )
and mostly my mds include me winning a football…Continue