help me understand my MD

[someone]

so mostly in my mds the characters are me or bollywood version of me, and all the people i know. they are just sort of watching everything that is happening. mostly they are people with whom i have recently tackled except my ex of course! like the ones i recently met or the ones i had a conversation with online. things like there...(so let me call these people plus-people, with whom i tackled lately or something happened with them )

and mostly my mds include me winning a football match for my team and everyone(plus-people) watching, i am with a girl which i love and she loves me back and we are doing something cute together at public place and plus-people watching, me meeting my ex and having a conversation(surprisingly no one watching me there),or any conversation that went wrong the previous day/week/month repeats itself over and over in many different ways that it could be(in each conversation i am winning, people are understanding exactly what i am trying to say, and more importantly i am saying what i want to say, i dont only feel my feelings but everyone else's feelings to towards me) 

thats it mostly

i dont miss my ex, i miss my friend which i lost in her, the friend to which i could say anything to without the fear of being judged, and now i dont have anyone to whom i can convey my true emotions or feelings. but thats okay. that doesnt bothers me much. still i hated the way she ended the things, but i really want nothing from her now, not even a conversation with her-thats what i keep MDing about. coz when the things ended she wasnt the person i confided into, or the person i loved. thats why the things ended..duhh! but maybe i want to talk to a previous version of her the one into which i confided. the one which i trusted and loved. and really do fear that i will never meet anyone and fell the same about her. that thought makes me sad. maybe to coverup that fear i md about her, maybe.and importantly, no one is watching me unlike my other mds where people are watching, i dont know what that means though. i dont wanna impress others with her or something maybe. but thats it with my ex

then major md is about an imaginary girl with whom i would walk and all other plus-people would watch me. what can that tell about me. i want to impress them that i too am capable of getting myself a girlfriend? i can be loved too? what is that i am hiding beneath this md. a love partner not only signifies a love partner but it kind of makes me fall higher in the 'food chain' its like i am better than you. maybe i feel insecure that other people are better than me. they are much more charming, they know how to talk, they also look good, they have a better personality than mine. and i don't admit that but that does bother me. i kind of unintentionally always compare myself to other on the basis of looks, academic results, relationships, social skills, etc etc. and i also think that they are better than me. but i cant help it. its something i feel. i cant control my feelings. i feel much small when i think of them. they are like better than me in everything. and sometimes there are people i think which lie below than me in the 'food chain' i kind of unintentionally frown upon them. its like i am better than you. i dont know why i compare myself. i wish i didn't do that. well lets go back to the MD, me and a girl and cute romantic things and plus-people watching. it MDed when i listened to a song mostly, this MD. so i reduced my music time. hmmm... plus-peolpe just watch they dont do anything, i dont feel thier emotions too like in other MDs. it all brings me feeling that they are all having much more respect for me. they are looking upon me with 'wow' eyes. 

the other major MD is football match MD. football is one thing which i am good at. and in football only i can actually beat everyone i know in r

[Sakshee Dhumal]

Hey! How are you now ? Did you see any difference ?

I too had a lot of trouble stopping these specific attention seeking daydreams. But reminding yourself how silly it is to show off in front of people in your head helps a lot. I used to just smile at my actions. 

People who haven't recieved enough attention and care from there loved ones like parents, siblings, friends and relatives often find themselves craving for it. I wanted to please and impress everyone around me. I wanted my loved ones to be proud of me. And I wanted to show my worth to the people who belittled me. 

Now that I look back.... I realise I've spent all my life in being perfect in others eyes. I've always seen my life from other people's point of view. What would she think about me? He definitely thinks I'm dumb student. Why have I not done a single thing that I could be proud of. Nobody gives me any importance. My life is so insignificant. I can't disappoint them this time. Bla bla bla.

And one day I realised that I will never be able to do a good job if I were to just to prove my worth to others. If my motivation for study is just to get good marks and receive people's love and respect for it, I will never put my 100% into it. 

Extrensic motivation is always temporary. But if I study something that I love then I will definitely put my 100% into it and enjoy my work. Because this time my motivation would be intrensic. 

Same goes for show off in front of people and always having some watch you do great things. I stoped doing things (in real life) for appreciation and approval of others. Instead I did things that I found important and interesting.

In the past it felt like I was a puppet of this world. Ready to do anything to look good in their eyes and even make a few of them jealous . Now I feel so free. 

They don't have to know how much I work, how far I've come or how successful I am. There's no need to rub it all in there faces. Or feel small if I haven't been successfull. This is not a race to see how better off we are compared to others. This is everyone's personal matter of how much happy and satisfied they are with their life.

The people around us are not some supreme judges who will scrutinize all our actions in life and then pass a judgement of whether our life was a success or a failure. Why give them that power. Why give the remote control of your happiness in someone else's hands. Why be the world's puppet. 

[someone]

yeah i agree with you (Sakshee). the thing you said about self acceptance. but i don't think i am capable of doing that intentionally. maybe if i am on the right path and do things correctly my mind will automatically accept. its really inspiring to know that someone's past the problems that i am facing currently. i makes me think that its possible and gives hope and courage to fight. but somedays are really tough, or some weeks even. and my mind craves for that dopamine release that md brings with it. so sometimes i let it happen coz its like the only good thing happening. or i don't know, in the moment when i am driven by that i just can't stop it, i even don't want to stop it. but othertimes i try and resist it. hopefully i'll too become free of this someday. until then i'll fight.  

[Sakshee Dhumal]

I have experienced something very similar. Whenever I imagine that I'm doing something great in my daydreams, I always tend to also imagine other people watching me do it. Like I imagined that I won a fight against the bad guys and all the other imaginary characters that I've created are watching me and I impressed them with my extraordinary strength ( maybe this happened when I first saw black widow kicking someone's ass in the marval movies). Also I used to sometimes daydream that I solved a question in my class at incredible speed and all my classmates are watching. I guess most of us have such daydreams where they do amazing things that they cannot do in real life. But I'm unsure how many actually imagine other people watching them. You are the first one who talked about it.
I too feel that we do it because we are insecure about ourselves. We need to show the world our worth and not just that but we also want them to praise us back. Whether you want to prove that you are good at something or whether you want others to feel small in front of you, both are because of insecurities. The Irony is that only those people who do not like themselves try to make others like them. This quote explains it beautifully: 

“At some point or another, you have to accept that if you’re spending your life trying to prove yourself to others, it’s probably your own approval you’re lacking,” 

I found it in this blog

 https://medium.com/the-beautiful-voyager/how-to-stop-feeling-like-y...
I found it very helpful you should read it.
After this I came to a conclusion that the only person's approval I need is mine. Once I feel proud of myself and like myself I will stop proving my worth to others. 

Now this might sound very difficult but trust me its not.

All you have to do is deal with the embarrassment and disappointment:
we all have those moments in our lives where someone says something mean and we are not able to come back with a sassy reply. Or When we are not able to be as cool as the other people. These incidents are where all my insecurities arise from. Just like how some quarreling wives keep telling their husbands that you are worthless and you embarras me. In the same way I started
'subconsciously' telling myself that you can never be cool, you are an embarrassment. And to escape my own self, I created a cooler, better, and more confident version of me. I liked that imaginary version more so I ditched my real self and stared MDing. Because who wants to be with a looser? Not me. This way I could be a confident person, I could give some sassy replies and people respected me in that world. I could do great things in my daydreams and all others would watch me. It fed my ego. The only problem was it was just a dream.
Now what I do is remember all those incidents where I've embarrassed myself and simply accept them. Yes that happened. I might have embarrassed myself in front of people countless times, I might have disappointed me and my parents. But it is okay, I'm not perfect I make mistakes too. I did not do it purposely it happened because I didn't know better. But now I've grown up, now I understand things better. So there is nothing to be embarassed about. I accepted all my mistakes, shortcomings and weaknesses instead of hating myself because of them. This made me feel comfortable in my own skin and the need for an alter ego ceased. This gave me so much confidence. And today I can say I'm definitely not a looser. I guess that's why it's said that self acceptance is the key to happiness.
Now that I love and respect myself, I have no need for anyone to watch me accomplish great things. Its not about them, its about me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fight in my defence but why do I have to make people watch me and make them think that I'm great.
Like they say, when you know you are great you don't need to prove it to others.( Not trying to flex lol) So just get your own approval (in anything) and leave the rest.

[someone]

I earlier thought that MD was normal thing, recently i discovered about it. And i read that to get rid of it I need to understand it, so i was trying.

Yeah, I agree with all that you said.

I too wish that i grow out of this foodchain mentality, its kinda suffocating.

I hope i too am lucky enough to experience that liberating feel you mentioned 

✌️

[Valeria Franco]

Everyone has its "personal MD", and it's not straight forward to understand its hidden meaning.

Sometimes it's just what we would like to be.

Sometimes it's how we would like to feel.

But sometimes it's just living a strong emotion, which we don't have in our real life.

Being imprisoned in this "food chain" mentality can be very stressful:

You think that verybody is better than you unless you prove to them and yourself you are better than them.

You don't need this. As a famous self-help book says: I'm ok, you're ok.

This inner feeling is quite liberating when you achieve it.