I keep rewriting this entry because DDing about writing this is so much easier and exciting than actually doing it. Actually doing it involves gathering my thoughts, analyzing and acknowledging my feelings, all the while trying to choose the right words to convey it all. Fuck it.

I feel anxious. I'm afraid I'm not going to sleep tonight and I haven't been able to daydream it all away today which adds to my sleep anxiety. I'm trying not to freak out but I feel it in my chest and it…

His name was Blackie (or Blackey as my sister spelled it) and he was one of my best friends. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get over his death or if I'll be able to connect/love another pet as much as I did him.

He had surgery a month ago to remove bladder stones but began deteriorating the last two weeks. After going to the vet three days ago and being told his symptoms were "normal," we decided to take him again Tuesday morning. We were then told that this whole time he had…