Where wild minds come to rest
I keep rewriting this entry because DDing about writing this is so much easier and exciting than actually doing it. Actually doing it involves gathering my thoughts, analyzing and acknowledging my feelings, all the while trying to choose the right words to convey it all. Fuck it.
I feel anxious. I'm afraid I'm not going to sleep tonight and I haven't been able to daydream it all away today which adds to my sleep anxiety. I'm trying not to freak out but I feel it in my chest and it won't go away. I ran out of sleeping pills (which I have been taking since my anxiety crisis in June) yesterday and my sleep was shit. When I stopped taking the pills for a month before, I didn't freak out because my DDing came back in full force and it again took over as my anti anxiety/depression medication.
I know it's quite pathetic to want your DDs to come back in full force and sweep reality away but I'd rather have them then anxiety, long sleepless nights, and ultimately depression. I wish I didn't depend on daydreaming so much. It's as bad as any drug. You get a taste of it, fall in love with the high, how good it feels, and its ease, then you become dependent, then tolerant so you need more, until one day when the high isn't high enough and you realize what you're doing and freak out. Then come all the feelings it hid, ravaging your soul clean and the cycle begins again. At least it does with me.
*Sigh* I might be able to refill the prescription Monday or later on next week. I haven't fully recovered from June's crisis. If I had I wouldn't be freaking about not being able to sleep or DD or be on a freakin sleeping pill. Yes, I would be fully lost in my head but man this alternative sucks and hurts so bad.