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Jae's Blog

Why are you smiling?

Posted on March 20, 2018 at 4:53pm 1 Comment

I was walking across a parking lot with my baby sister today. I can't quite remember what I was daydreaming about, but before I knew it, she looked over at me, held her eyebrows together, and asked, "why are you smiling?" followed by a smile for herself. She wanted in on the joke. I suddenly felt the cold air on my body, along with the snow-water and reality leaking into my shoes, before looking away and saying "I saw somebody that I knew." 

It hurt to say that. Because I know that…



Posted on March 3, 2018 at 12:30pm 1 Comment

I made it a couple weeks without pacing. 

I relapsed recently- but in a different way than before. 

Usually, there was one place (my bedroom) where I could pace and daydream for hours. 

I've been able to avoid pacing there since February 14th, but in turn, I've begun pacing in other places, like a locked bathroom or the halls of my house when everyone is gone. It feels like a relapse, although the severity of the pacing is lowered because my time is limited and can be…


"First Snow"

Posted on January 22, 2018 at 1:42pm 0 Comments

A heavy snowstorm has knocked out the schools and workforce alike, blinded the streets and shaded everything milky white. You wouldn't be able to stand outside without being touched by the sky in between blinks. 

It had snowed before but it's not winter in my city unless it's like this. 

A few years back I was released from class midday when the temperature hit past -27F. 

Now it's warm and 30F, but each step in the earth feels like shallow quicksand, 'cause you fall…


How long can I last?

Posted on December 22, 2017 at 6:00am 1 Comment

On December 21st, 2017, I didn't daydream. I wanted to see how long I could go after around four years of continuous dreaming in the day and night. It's been one day. 

 And I already feel scared.

I know that my MD is also a coping mechanism, but I think I've almost forgotten because it also felt like a way to express myself and to feel things that I had trouble feeling in the real world (instead of avoidance). Whenever I've tried stopping it before, I…


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