How long can I last?

[Jae]

On December 21st, 2017, I didn't daydream. I wanted to see how long I could go after around four years of continuous dreaming in the day and night. It's been one day. 

 And I already feel scared.

I know that my MD is also a coping mechanism, but I think I've almost forgotten because it also felt like a way to express myself and to feel things that I had trouble feeling in the real world (instead of avoidance). Whenever I've tried stopping it before, I had this same feeling of fear. I do have social anxiety, but it's not the feeling that I have here. What's happening to me is more psychological than physical. 

I think being conscious all of the time, like many people I've met here, is something that tires me. Not only in and of itself, but also because I have nothing in the real world that exists because of me. I've always tried to write, produce music, be a good friend, and go out into the world, but there isn't any physical/material thing, in reality, that makes me feel connected to this world. 

I could argue that the way I think connects me to real people. I contradict myself in many ways, and when I communicate by whatever means, my train of thought isn't well delivered or easily followed. Not because I'm intelligent, but more of a disorganized and ambiguous nature, not holding on to one perspective because I'm trying to understand all of the others. With this, I try to understand people as well. I try. I don't think that I'm skilled enough to say I can read people. But the emphasis on the action of trying, showing that I care, is what makes me feel human, even if it's not much. 

Even so, how I interact with others is still something that happens from the inside of myself. Daydreaming also happens from that same place, blurring the lines between reality and beyond.

I know that my dreams aren't real.

I think that the problem at hand is that I don't know what makes my reality feel real. 

Update: I stopped December 21st, 2017. By December 28th, around 7:00 pm I relapsed. 

[Whitney]

I am the same in many regards. A lot of times I find myself analyzing people and thinking I have them figured out because I look at the things from more than one perspective. Maybe this is due to the fact of creating characters and being more than one at the same time. Or maybe because of my lack of interaction with real people, I begin to analyze them out of curiosity, trying to figure them out, in order to be better understand and connect? Who knows.

My communication skills IRL aren't great. Like you, my thoughts can sometimes runaway from me as I process and try to explain and I will change my mind as I try to comprehend the world around me (ideas and morals forever changing and contradicting). In my part, I think it's to due with lack of real world experiences, which in turn has affected my development (personality and character). Human interactions and experiences are so important. At times I think that because I have experienced something as a character in my daydreams that I therefore know so much and am in a way wiser than others (guess bc I have lived a million lives lol) - but real life is nothing compared to daydreams...

The anxiety I feel when I am not daydreaming is terrible. Being present is not so bad when I am interacting with others but when I am alone, daydreaming keeps me "sane." I wish you luck in decreasing/stopping. Take it day by day and keep trying. It will be worth it one day.