Maladaptive Daydream and Sexual Orientation

[Sweetlady]

After discovering this forum I`ve started to analyze my behavior in general and my daydreams.

I`ve spent most of my life daydreaming about the ideal relationship of two women. I am in my twenties.

The daydreams that have being worrying me are the ones about characters. I`ve never created characters out of nowhere. I always use some character (always a woman) of a movie, series or soap opera in my fantasies and never ever the real actor. I like to insert the character that was already built and her story into my fantasies and her actions would go according to, what I think , would be the personality created from the author.

I started questioning my sexual orientation when I was 11 years old. A little bit of loneliness plus bullying and having sexual doubts were what made me daydream about a woman having a relationship with another woman for the first time.

When I felt attracted to another girl for the first time I didn`t know how to deal with it, and didn`t tell anyone about it. I had this crush on this girl in my class, felt super awkward with my body reactions and about these feelings, but honestly I can`t remember daydreaming about her. I would daydream about a comic hero being gay. I was so excited that I could experience through the “life of another person” what it would be like to do something like having romantic feelings about another girl.

Even after I started kissing boys I would continue daydreaming about couples of 2 women because the attraction to girls just wouldn’t go away and my real life dream was to have a girlfriend even though I hadn`t kissed one yet and didn`t know if I was gonna really like it. It took about 4 years daydreaming before I kissed a girl for the first time. But I didn`t stop my life in the meanwhile! I `d go out with friends, kiss boys and live my life.

I like men and women so I had boyfriends and at times I wouldn`t daydreaming at all about gay relationships, at times I would but wouldn`t spend much time on it. Now, I`m in a relationship with a woman. For the first 3 years of our relationship I almost didn`t daydream. This last year was a surprise for me when I caught myself having this urge to daydream nonstop and that sucked because I would ask myself “You wanted to have a girlfriend, now you have one that loves you very much and you love her. So why are you still daydreaming!?”

Facts:

1)      I haven`t came out. Not to my family nor my straight friends. I live in secret. Lying about a very important part of my life, being ashamed about a part of me that I cannot suppress or change. Dating my girlfriend is a secret that hurts me deeply. I am afraid of my family`s reaction. I don`t think I am brave enough to hold the stigma of being labeled as a queer woman.

2)      Daydreaming, unfortunately, IS pleasant! For the first time I`ve spent a whole day, from waking up to going to sleep fantasizing.

My fantasies always consist in them being part of a group of friends and in their day to day life. They are competent, intelligent, not necessarily stunning (but since most of actresses are really beautiful, they are beautiful in my head plot as well), have nice personalities, are really brave and so on… The themes and couples lasts for months until a new one is replaced or I stop to daydream for a really long time.

Despite me getting older and alternating couples, I`ve noticed that I always put them in the same situations. For example:

• Being in love and by demonstrating their love to each other (during everyday chores, at work, going out with people)they show to others that love is love
• Friends would look upon them and see them as role models in some ways
• I imagine them going to the mall and salespeople realizing they are a couple and my characters have to deal with every situation possible
• If someone of each of their family doesn`t accept them, I imagine scenarios where there are some confrontations
• I imagine them dealing with normal relationships problems as anniversaries, fights, jealousy, etc.
• And lots and lots of sexy time.

Everything for me can be a trigger, for example, if I go to buy some furniture I keep imagining them going to this store and choosing their furniture, what each one would say, what they`d agree on and what they wouldn’t…

I have to say that although I`ve been a victim of bullying when younger, I have a very nice life. I`ve got friends, my family is awesome and I try to live life to the fullest. But I GUESS, BECAUSE OF EXCESSIVE DAYDREAMING I`ve been suffering FROM OTHER CONDITIONS THAT FRUSTRATE AND ARE BLOCKING ME FROM REACHING MY GOALS, like social phobia. Plus, I believe daydreaming IS THE CAUSE OF MANY PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE, such as lack of concentration, loss of opportunities and more.

Sexuality is so important in anyone`s life. Having any kind of problem in this area affects people in the core of who they are. People in this forum say that they daydream about what they wish they were and stuff and I guess I`m not an exception to the general idea. Maybe daydreaming happens with people that aren`t really ready to deal with the issues of their real lives.

It is a problem that I`m still not ready to accept my sexual orientation, but it`s a BIGGER PROBLEM to spend most of my thoughts and time AND ENERGY thinking about a world that I don`t make it happen in my reality and it doesn`t exists! And I know some people don`t think it`s a big deal but I truly believe MDD is bad for a person`s body and mental health.

I haven`t read anything about a connection to daydreaming and staying in the closet, so I`m sorry if maybe I`m being repetitive in the forum. It would be nice to hear if anyone has gone through something like I have or just some comments. I am so sorry for the big post.

Here`s a blog that I started in Portuguese about maladaptive daydreaming: http://foconavida.wordpress.com/

[Leda]

Hi sweetlady.
Although I dont have any issues with my sexual orientatio I defenetly agree with you that it has something to do with not being ready to face real life problems.
I cant access your blog in my phone but will try later.
Vai ser bom poder falar do meu problema na minha lingua ;-)

[Queen Dopamine]

First off, I don't know if anything I can say will actually be helpful in analyzing why you have your daydreams, but I do appreciate you sharing this and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for writing it!

A bit about my background: I don't identify as any sexual label. I guess technically I'm bisexual, since I'm attracted to/had sexual relationships with both genders. But I don't go around wearing it as a label, which is odd, because I like labels. I don't judge labels, I just like having them for most things.

My daydreaming started probably around 7 or 8, as far as I can tell. But when I was about 10 or 11, like you, I started having these odd feelings. I would play out certain fantasies of what I wanted my female best friend to do to me. I guess it was like a way of masturbating (sorry of this is TMI; I will edit this if it's offensive), but I was doing it while pretending that she was with me. While that eventually flamed out, I eventually did get to have several girl-on-girl experiences. I didn't have a serious relationship with any girl though, but I did try to pursue it several times, and often thought about it in a non-excessive daydreaming kind of way, which is unrelated to what you experienced.

However, throughout the years, my daydreaming content would often involve same-sex relationships and sexual encounters. I'm not a character in my daydreams, but my main is a bisexual male. I like to focus on his male conquests sometimes, especially since he's not the typical gay or effeminate type that seems to dominate the bisexual male demographic. He's quite masculine and I get a perverse pleasure over acting out his male-on-male activities/relationships/interactions. 

I don't know what any of that means for me either, and it certainly doesn't relate to me being in the closet like you, or the fears you experience. But your daydreams may have nothing to do with the status of your life, since you're in a loving relationship with a woman. I don't know that your daydreaming content would really change if your family/friends knew.

[Sweetlady]

Hello Leda! You are so welcome to read and comment no the blog. The more information about MDD in Portuguese the better!!

Hello Jessica! It's good to know you enjoyed to read my experience and thanks for sharing with me yours. You don't have the same problem but I do appreciate your sharing. =]

There was something you said that I think it's interesting: "But your daydreams may have nothing to do with the status of your life, since you're in a loving relationship with a woman. I don't know that your daydreaming content would really change if your family/friends knew."

Well, I've had thought about it. I've even considered this for a moment in my life, but as I said before, for me, maladaptive daydreaming happens when people don't have their stuff figured out. The friends, the money, the love interest, the life they wish they had but only exists in the dreams.   

It's not just letting them know about me, it's me accepting myself with girlfriend or with boyfriend or whatever.

I guess normal daydreams would continue to happen, but the one's that are constantly on my mind and keep me from getting my tasks done are mostly about this stuff. If I get confident about these issues I don't think I would have reasons to continue with MDD. Unless I didn't want to stop with it, continue creating new things to fantasize which I don't think I would like to do.

=D

[Queen Dopamine]

You're right. I know what you mean. The daydreaming would continue, but when you have an issue nagging at you like that, even if it's an issue with your own confidence/acceptance, then the daydreaming is worse. I experience that with other things. If something is bothering me in my relationship, or I have a conflict with someone, my daydreams tend to focus more on conflicts or taboo things or more emotional content.

Sweetlady said:

Hello Leda! You are so welcome to read and comment no the blog. The more information about MDD in Portuguese the better!!

Hello Jessica! It's good to know you enjoyed to read my experience and thanks for sharing with me yours. You don't have the same problem but I do appreciate your sharing. =]

There was something you said that I think it's interesting: "But your daydreams may have nothing to do with the status of your life, since you're in a loving relationship with a woman. I don't know that your daydreaming content would really change if your family/friends knew."

Well, I've had thought about it. I've even considered this for a moment in my life, but as I said before, for me, maladaptive daydreaming happens when people don't have their stuff figured out. The friends, the money, the love interest, the life they wish they had but only exists in the dreams.   

It's not just letting them know about me, it's me accepting myself with girlfriend or with boyfriend or whatever.

I guess normal daydreams would continue to happen, but the one's that are constantly on my mind and keep me from getting my tasks done are mostly about this stuff. If I get confident about these issues I don't think I would have reasons to continue with MDD. Unless I didn't want to stop with it, continue creating new things to fantasize which I don't think I would like to do.

=D

[ben babu]

The problem persists among those who can't find a prom date.... best way to avoid it is getting a friend... engaging yourself in work..... don't play any video games, or watch movies... which may trigger MDD... don't worry problem will vanish as you grow old...  iam just waiting to get old....^_^

[Valeria]

My godness!!, it's like I wrote this myself!!.

Well, there are some exceptions, unfortunately I don't have a girlfriend, I wish I had, buy my social phobia is consuming me.

I discovered my sexual orientation at 11 too, and the diference with daydreamings is that I put myself in situations with other girls, and I imagine myself with someone, then I get bored and after a while I change the person. I imagine we get married, we fight, we go on vacations, etc. and like you said if I go to a place, for example to buy furniture I imagine going with that person.

I completely understand you, I haven't told my fmily my sexual orientation. I said to myself that maybe I'll do it when I have a girlfriend, but I don't know.

[The1andonlyAbber]

I'm straight but two of my characters are in a gay relationship. They're not stereotypical gay people, though. Sometimes there's a little "side quest" that happens in my daydreams involving them (for example, in my first daydream with them there were a bunch of weird people trying to murder my parents so they had to fake their own death and I had to live with the gay characters for a couple of years), but they're usually just sort of in the background commenting on gay rights issues.

I can definitely relate to what you just said about everything being a trigger. I have imaginary siblings with crazy personalities, and so whenever pretty much anything comes up I think about what they would say about it (and their personalities are very well developed, so I immediately know). Usually my youngest imaginary sister says something crazy, then my imaginary little brother says something cute, then they get into an argument, then me and my other two sisters end up sorting it out.