Being ME

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do have asperger syndrome, and I still dream time to time. I feel this ripped up my relationship and social life. People feel I'm not in this world with them. Like they wonder what planet I'm from. So they can't relate with me almost at all. PLUS. I don't give them an impression that I'm a friendly, intelligent, and social person. So they think, "Weird, no friend to me," and walk off, or even criticize me. And then, they see signs of my MD behavior (grinning, talking to air, pacing, staring around the room, face-making), and avoid me at all costs. My MD realm seems to be so ideal, whereas in my real life, all areas of my life are problematic. People wonder why I act the way I do, WHY I can't get anything straight, and wonder where my head is.

I had very, very few true friends. I often think this is what prompted my MD, because nobody was around to relate with me on any level, care what I go through, and want me to be happier. I always went through life feeling like a total stranger. My family didn't know how to assist me, because I was extremely quiet. I just didn't express myself. I'm so afraid that I'll spend the rest of my time lost—having little contact with others, and speaking with imaginary people, instead of real ones—all because nobody can figure me out. 

[Martino]

Hello Jessica, I don't know if this can help but you should, as a starting point to deal with a some degree of harmony with MD, to concentrate to these few real friends that you have and cultivate their friendship by keeping in touch with them as much as possible. I got few friends too but those are very important to me and with them I talk, face to face or chatting, of various stuff, like what's happened during the day, everyday things or even silly stuff.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I live in a house with a family who talks about politics and economics every single day. There is no silly stuff. If I were with friends, we'd be talking about life in general. But my mom feels that my thoughts go towards me, and not the outside world. Like she puts these guilt trips on me that I shouldn't just think of myself. I agree, she's got a point. I've even me 20 years old who pointed this out. 

That's not totally true of me though, I do think of other people and ask how they are. Everyone has their own tastes and preferences, I guess. However, I feel that people criticize on things that I don't have, but should.