Self-Discovery, not Superiority

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes I think my daily life unravels like morals you learn in every TV series episode. These life changing opportunities come up on the characters, and then everything just gets disillusioning, or not what it seems, or it just wasn't meant to be. They then go back to their usual lives, and tomorrow is just another day. 

I experienced a chapter in my youth that I'll never forget, and learned a great deal from in order to move on. When I started going to college, I was a "rockstar in my own mind." Life ahead with be blast, I'll thrive in the art world, I'll meet new people and experience meaningful relationships, achieve my biggest goals—get out there and be someone, I guess. 

I think I got ahead of myself, and my expectations were high. I wasn't realistic and honest with myself, according to my intellect and abilities—I mean, I didn't know which way was up, I was so young. I really had no clue who I was and what I was good at. I had almost no perception of the world. I think I had arrested development. I honestly didn't know how to relate to people and bond with them. 
 
I was really lost, and no idea which way I was going. I don't particularly think people liked me, and they looked at me like I was a big fool. 

At some point, I became this excessive maladaptive daydreamer, believed whatever hogwash the absurd inner voices in my head were saying to me. Believed much better things were coming, and dreams will happen, when really I was lazy and entitled, and would've had to work so very hard for them, be stressed and make sacrifices. What did I expect??

I've lost many opportunities along the way, such as healthy relationships, traveling, and success, because I was a mixed bag of vexed emotions, self-denial, low self esteem, and confusion...but also, I felt lost and had no idea who I really was, even to this very day. 

My young adulthood was really about self-discovery, rather than self-importance and fixation on one's own superiority and importance. 

I didn't see any goals achieved, and I'm nearly 40, and stunned at how behind I am, and not so very successful. I wonder if it's because I was busy living in other worlds to turn it all around. 

All in all, it's amazing how you dream and wait for that dream to happen...problem is you make it happen, not the dream.