Still a dreamer...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have to confess, I am still a dreamer. But not the way I was before. I really wish that I told my family in advance, or told myself to stop it. Thing is I was very young, and I had no control, and no idea where MD will take me down the road. MD actually assured me that things will be happier and better in future, that's not how it went. I'm actually not a happy person today, and I have to put up with my relatives all the time. My ambitions never came true, at all. I realize that's my fault, because I just didn't pay attention to life. 

When I was an MD'er I thought I'd meet someone who would actually care about me and want me to be satisfied, but that person never came around. There was absolutely nobody. And I wonder if it's because I didn't quit dreaming and payed more attention to people. In reality, people like people who can talk, and are with them, and show interest in listening to what they have to say.

I actually went to lengths to meet others, whether it was attending classes, programs, social events, meetups, concerts, bars, so on. I think what happened was I wasn't approachable and I was quiet, so nobody bothered or snuffed off. I simply didn't catch their attention, they moved on with others. I have spoken to people who seem to be my clique, but they were usually taken and perhaps have kids. 

At home and every morning, I wake up to my mom wondering where I am when and if I'm listening when she's talking to me. I am so bored with this shit. It's been going on for 16 years since I finished college. It's like she just doesn't trust my sanity and intellect. She always think that I must be someplace else, and I'm sure most others wonder too. 

To be honest, I'm clearing up and my feet are more on the ground, but it feels like it's not enough, and I'm convincing others that I seem to not be with them. Somehow it's blatantly evident to them! 

Regards, it's been a while now. I haven't worked full-time onsite since COVID broke out. My unemployment gap was a huge concern, so I decided to go back to college, though virtually. My teachers and peers are very nice people, so I haven't been hearing criticisms by others about my mental health. 

I realize that I learned to meet people and form relationships, you must get out there and get involved, or else you'll just fall into the background.