It blows my mind

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I want to make friends, but I've had no success to find the right ones. I find that people keep on getting all critical on me, especially with how I appear. They find me out of sorts and unfriendly—always asking if I'm OK. I find it very peculiar to keep showing up to social situations, and immediately someone just doesn't think I'm in good health or high spirits. Actually, it's very annoying and uncalled for. It makes me think this is why I struggle with attaining and keeping relationships with people. 

I feel like an idiot too. I spent so many years...playing beautiful and exciting music and imagery in my head thinking someone was going to love me someday, and we'll live happily onwards. In real life, relationships are not easy, it takes testing the waters and sacrifices, and they don't always work out. People date lots of people and go through several relationships until they meet their right match. Some are lucky if they don't have to even do this.

Point being is that I've never been in a real relationship, but I've been bouncing around relishing in non-existent amorous stories, with existent or non-existent people, such fantastical engagements that mean nothing in reality. But it never occurred to me that I had to break out of my cocoon and talk to a real live human being, strike up a conversation, and maybe anticipate building a strong bond with them. I am neurodivergent, so I never grew up with any social skills, so when I do meet people, they act like I'm in trouble, because I didn't ever practice. 

So I basically stayed single all my life, with all this silly stuff going on in my head hours on end, but no real life resolution to cut this habit. What interests me is that I never met the right person who see me for who I am, and not my daily conditions. 

All this time I traveled, worked, went to school, and went out anywhere, has anybody ever acknowledge or noticed that I existed.