Untangling My Worth from Someone Else’s Story

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Recently I've been vigorously researching and analyzing somebody else's successful life for weeks and weeks. This person is a hardworking go-getter, aggressively enterprising, lovely, social, beautiful, accomplished, and has everything I ever wanted in my early adulthood. She even followed her dreams towards an independent lifestyle. Regards, I don't think she was ever an excessive daydreamer the way I was. She's strong and confident, and grounded. Doesn't take anything for granted. 

I realize I don't look amazing like she does, not even happy, because I was a maladaptive daydreamer. Spending all that time studying someone who seems to embody everything I wish I had been, it creates an emotional funhouse mirror—everything about her looks larger, brighter, and more admirable, and everything about me looks smaller, dimmer, and flawed. This distortion feels real, but it isn't the truth. 

I'm comparing my internal struggles to her external highlight reel. I'm comparing my background to her outcome. I'm comparing my healing process to her finished product. 

I look at this person and see someone who "keeps her feet on the ground," but I've been doing something she hasn't, I've been fighting my way back to myself. It's not glamorous, but it's courageous. 

I'm also doing something she may never have had to do: I'm rebuilding my life with self-awareness, intention, and emotional depth. It's not a deficit, it's a different kind of strength. 

I't not about looking amazing or happy. People who look radiant often have struggles I'll never see. People who've struggled deeply often grown in the most grounded, empathetic, and quietly powered adults. 

Therefore, I'm in the middle of your story — not at the end.