Long Story

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Long story. I looked forward to a happy and excitable life. I dreamed about it—but didn't really do anything about it. As a young adult, I was wild hearted, and yet silly. I didn't stop to realize what I was doing was actually immature and made absolutely no sense to most people. Instead of investing and planning out what I wished to do and ensured I was determined to do this smartly—my mind was far up in a cloud, imagining doing all these things—but not taking initiative of them, nor speaking up to others about my inner desires. Honestly, this was all my fault. 

Anyway, here it goes. I would go around drifting deep in a dream about how I wanted my life to happen. Everything, being in relationships, traveling, career, achievements, starting a family, meeting people, seeing and trying new things, etc. Wherever I worked, sat in a car, and did things socially, loud music would burst on the radio, and my imagination would flourish and go all over the place—even get really strong to an extent I would got spacey. It made me feel happy and grin—but in the long run, it was really an illness. I was distracted and not awake in life. 

Eventually my family found out, and weren't happy about my daydreaming. It's as if I lit a match, and fire spread everywhere. It was actually causing me life problems, and people got really pissed at me, because I wasn't paying attention. Wondered where in the blazes my head was. Now pushing 40, I overlook that I wasted 25 years of my life daydreaming. 

I work at a corner liquor store as a cashier, and radio plays loud music, still causing me to be half somewhere else, dancing and singing to the exciting melodies. I made mistakes at the cash and haven't confessed to staff why I am so absent sometimes. I had to cover twice for stolen products, because I couldn't find the customers who dashed into the night of our parking lot. Making me go short. I realized that I wasn't observant enough to keep the customers feet nailed to the floor, while trying to complete their payments. I was busy indulgently singing to the radio. 

Anyway, this is a perfect example as to why a lot of people weren't sure about me. Maybe they don't understand that I want that life can't always promise. Or maybe they just don't know what it's like to be me.