Pretending to be other people

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Back in secondary school, my English teacher noticed how extremely quiet I was sitting there, not taking part in everybody's conversations. At some point I took part in a curling club, she volunteered to take me home after the game. She drove me to my house, but before I got out, she wanted to have a conversation with me about my loss of verbal skills. She told me a story of herself in high school, she was very shy and quiet, didn't want to speak up in class, but she was gifted at poetry and writing. She got up and with great courage, presented her poetry to the class, showing everybody her talents. That she never meant to be socially abhorred. She then told me, "Don't worry about trying to be someone you're not."

That line stood out at me. Related to maladaptive daydreaming, I imagined in my head to be so many people I just wasn't. Whenever I saw a character in a movie or TV show, I imagined that I could be them to a certain aspect. When really, I had many issues that needed attention. I tried my hand at all sorts of jobs that didn't work out for me. For instance, I struggled to communicate and interact in a friendly manner to customers and staff members. Or I had trouble being creative, punctual, fast, and professional for online clients in my designer career. Or I struggled to stay attuned and judgemental to my present surroundings, even working at a store. I crashed on my face all over the place, and you should've seem the looks on people's faces, when they witnessed my whoops-daisies. They literally thought I was probably crazy. I later realized that I had Asperger syndrome, but also, I was a maladaptive daydreamer, which for many of you readers must be a deadly combination. 

When you turn 18, you imagine you'll conquer the world and thrive in a career you enjoy. You will grow up and get out there, getting a lot of amazing experiences in the world. I did too, but the reality of my mental health got in the way. My mom was very concerned for my health and wellbeing, and believed I can be an artist, but no more than that. She felt I'd flop in just about any other career, the way my brain works, and the fact that I daydream all day. A big no-no in most forces. 

Getting back to maladaptive daydreaming, I'd sit in my bedroom, play music, and look out the window, wondering what interesting things I can be doing with my life. When all I can count on is being a graphic artist, where we can dream all we want. As much as I want to be the characters in the movies and TV shows I watch—I'm so not those characters, and sometimes it's hard to swallow. On the outside, I'm really a stuffy and ultra-silent human being who writes, draws and reads—but doesn't seem to do it for people, and I have no friends and relationships. Maladaptive daydreaming helps me cope from the frustration of not being close to others. My creations and imaginings are all the friends I've got.