How It Started for Me

[Cody]

I can't believe that there is actually a community of people like me! I knew I couldn't be the only person like this but I also didn't realize that there was a name for it! Thank you internet. I see all of your stories so I believe I should tell you mine. I'm almost 21 years old and I have been daydreaming my entire life. I remember when the excessiveness started. When my parents wouldn't let me watch TV I would go outside and I used to take a golf club (I used other things but they were my favorite) and swing it around while pacing back and forth, I lived out fantasies. I can remember a lot of them too. This all started when I was around 4 or 5. Then around the age of 7 or so life started getting bad. My narcotic addicted dad would physically abuse me, while at the same time I was getting molested by two people. I think that these events drove me further into my fantasy world. Up until 10^th grade I continued to swing that golf club and pace but then my father said “it was time to grow up”. So I had to find other ways to escape. I later found that music helped me do this. Of course I daydream without it ALL the time. Right now I'm a cashier (been one for almost three years now), and I will literally daydream for my entire shift. But I guess I'm what they call a “systematic daydreamer” because I can perform my job just fine. I can't really explain it. It's like I'm split in two. The real me is in my fantasy world while another part of me is in a shell back on earth. I'll never forget one day when I was working, this customer was talking and all of a sudden I heard “... dead bird.” that knocked me out of my fantasy and I said “Oh.” I asked the next customer after her “What was she talking about?” and she said “Her dead parrot. You just had a conversation with her.” and she looked at me like I was crazy. But I noticed that too, I can have conversation with people while I daydream, even though I won't remember what they said. I also daydream when I drive. Literally EVERY time I drive. I'm not scared though, like I said I'm a systematic daydreamer. I will literally have a two hour drive and be there in what seems like maybe 5 minutes. I have “woken up” from my daydreams while I have been in the car before and realized that I am going the speed limit, using my blinkers, and being completely safe. I actually purposefully drive just for the sake of daydreaming. I find that fantasies are more real while I am in motion. However, now that I am at my parents house for the summer I have no car so I am doing a lot of walking. I have a usual routine that takes an hour or so but when I get to then end I feel like it wasn't long enough so I do another. Before you know I'm spending four or five hours walking/daydreaming. I also notice that I still pace back and forth but only when I am alone. On a bad note, my fantasies are my only place that I can feel emotion. In the real world I feel hollow, I know what I should be feeling in a certain situation but I just can't. However I can feel every emotion in my fantasy world. I'm not anti-social per se. I prefer to be alone and in my dream world. However when it comes to meeting new people and making friends I'm the best there is at it. It's because I become whoever that person wants me to be. (Not sure if this is linked to MD). But it's all just one mask after another that people don't even realize. Unfortunately, I know people all too well. In fact, I will daydream about scenarios of conversations I will have with people. I would say that I'm right about 95% of the time. People are predictable. I think that's another factor of why I'm always daydreaming. Because in there you can always make changes and surprise even yourself. I also have sleep problems. I will lye down for bed and all I want to do is daydream. So I will sit there and daydream for hours until I finally fall asleep. The odd thing is, is that I don't really sleep dream that often. Like a lot of you, I am a writer. I can literally just type a story for hours and hours and never get writers block, ever. I mostly write fanfiction. But to some this all up I literally daydream about 90% of the day I would say. I don't want to say it's a problem but it probably is. However it's not something I can really control. And at the same time it's an addiction.

[Melanie]

Very interesting story. It's been about two days since I found out (also through the internet) that there were other people with these same issues and that it was a "real thing". This place is great in that one can read about the experiences of others with MD. It sounds like you are like me in that you daydream compulsively and almost perpetually. Do you think that being unable to feel anything in your real life is partially caused by your MD?

You seem to be very solitary but also content with being so. In that case you feel you already have what for you would be the ideal degree of intimacy with other people in the real world? I know you didn't say so but I got the impression you might be a college student like me since you said you were at your parents' place for the summer. Has MD affected your grades or your ability to plan and prepare for any vocational goals and so forth? Do you think MD makes you less ambitious in that you might generally be less concerned with the real world and the things other people tend to hold as most important? Thanks for sharing your story.

[Cody]

I'm not sure if my null-emotions have to do with MD or not. I haven't heard any others stories that say such. But then again so little is known about it. My theory is that my abusive past has cause me to live life without emotion in reality. And since my fantasies were always my happy place it made sense that I could find emotion there. I'm just now looking for therapists so I will get back to you on that one.

I prefer to be my myself. However, I have a ton of friends because I be who they want to be. It's like I'm living out my fantasies for them in a sense. As for intimacy, I spent my entire life without a relationship. I recently tried it out of curiosity. And well it was the one time I truly felt emotion in reality. He (I'm bisexual by the way) really kinda grounded me in reality. Of course he didn't stop it completely, I still did it a ton just not as much. Because I wanted to be in reality with him. Well anyways that ended, and I find myself trapped again in my fantasies. It's somehow a curse and a blessing. Yes, I am a college student. No it never affected my grades. I actually graduated a year early from high school in the top 50%. I would definitely say it makes me less ambitious. Even though I'm extremely smart, I find motivation hard to come by. Nothing can live up to your fantasies it seems like. It's weird too because I also have low self-esteem and hate myself. Even though I'm the most kindest and smartes person you may meet (and I even know this) I still for some reason hate myself. Whether this is another symptom of MD or I have depression as well, I don't know. And yes I'm totally less concerned with real world things. For an example, my sister broke my HDTV (that I bought) recently and my dad was pissed. I just looked at him and said "It's just stuff. Material items and money are superfluous." He looked at me like I was crazy!

Melanie said:

Very interesting story. It's been about two days since I found out (also through the internet) that there were other people with these same issues and that it was a "real thing". This place is great in that one can read about the experiences of others with MD. It sounds like you are like me in that you daydream compulsively and almost perpetually. Do you think that being unable to feel anything in your real life is partially caused by your MD?

You seem to be very solitary but also content with being so. In that case you feel you already have what for you would be the ideal degree of intimacy with other people in the real world? I know you didn't say so but I got the impression you might be a college student like me since you said you were at your parents' place for the summer. Has MD affected your grades or your ability to plan and prepare for any vocational goals and so forth? Do you think MD makes you less ambitious in that you might generally be less concerned with the real world and the things other people tend to hold as most important? Thanks for sharing your story.

[Melanie]

It seems to make perfect sense that the abuse would have caused you to become insensitive to the real world. I was just wondering whether or not we find reality less vivid and affecting an experience because MD causes us to be so disengaged from reality. As for the lack of motivation, I can definitely relate to that. Although it sounds like you're very good at taking care of real life responsibilities despite the MD.

Considering you know you're intelligent and kind, it does seem odd that you would be so hard on yourself. A history of abuse kind of muddies the waters on this issue, but I've read that others feel ashamed of MD so I suppose that makes sense as a potential cause. These friends for whom you are what they want you to be don't really know you do they? I guess this will sound cynical and others would disagree, but doesn't that mean they basically have a relationship with whatever pretense you assume for a given interaction? Although I would probably see that situation as not really having any friends, I admit that I would find it fun to sort of assume different identities with different people, living out fantasies as you said.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

[Shadow Cat Sam]

 It's like I'm split in two. The real me is in my fantasy world while another part of me is in a shell back on earth.

I do that.

[Francisco]

However when it comes to meeting new people and making friends I'm the best there is at it. It's because I become whoever that person wants me to be.

You should let people know you as you are, without  becoming "whoever that person wants". If they don't like you, then it's their problem not yours. I'm sure people would like "real you" , so there's no reason to fake☺.

Your story is interesting, thanks for sharing.

[Sandra]

Thanks for such a detailed description of your life (or two) with M.D.  I saw myself in quite a bit of your story and it is comforting for me to know that even particular details are shared by more then just me.