January 2012

[Lightman]

I was watching the latest biggest finale (I love that show, I very much relate to the contestants) and the winner gave this great speech about how he had overcome all the bad things in his life by having small successes and somehow tying them together. That had taught him how to be a winner again. That struck a core. Big steps are hard for me with MD, but what if I can take baby steps and link them together?
Year 2012, 12 months, 12 challenges, 30 days each... I haven't planned the whole year out, one month at a time. each small step interlacing my real world self and MD persona closer together.
Each month I'm starting a discussion "January 2012" an so on, each day I'm going to try to make  a small journal entry. At the end of the month I'm going to make a blog summary (hopefully with some pics) of the month. By journaling the ups and downs.  By trying to measure my efforts I really hope that I can stay motivated and see this through. 
If there is anyone else who wants to join in, you are more than welcome! Your goals and monthly challenge can differ from mine. 
So January. The first order of business is for me to chuck out my ADSL, tv and put my computer under lock and bolt. These are all major culprits in my MD taking a turn for the supernatural and ostentatiousness that will kill my new years resolution. Btw via cellphone  I can't access my blog or most of the other stuff on this site. 
January is media detox and back to basics month. In MD I'm a very fit (runs marathons, has abs) and very organized person. In real life, the only exercise I get is running to the subway in the morning, because I never can find my stuff so I'm always running late...
This month I will:1 get 8hours of sleep2 work out, at least 3 times per week3 eat a balanced diet (no more potato chips for dinner)4 clean and organize my home5 only DD about actual me 

[sasi]

A bit off the wagon over the weekend but that was planned to an extent. Scales not too disastrous this morning. Plans for healthy eating during this week. I tend to do that to keep things steady. I also find that having a day or so of more relaxed eating in a week helps me stay in track overall. I have a stressful couple of weeks ahead so even if weight just stays steady that would be great.   I'm having Thai red curry as my suppers next few days. I use low fat coconut milk so calorie count is fine. Lightman- good job on stopping those dd so effectively. I am in an intense dd phase. A bit too all consuming for my liking but again it's stress relief so will address it in a while. Roxanne - glad you like the c5s. How was the honey chicken? Another good dish is chicken with dried fruits over rice. Or try putting some apricot jam or marmalade over a chicken breast. I also have a good tomato , red wine, olive and mushroom sauce which is a bit more complicated but delicious.

roxanne said:

Am anxious to know how you efficiently stopped it.

I have to say I am just in love with the Chinese 5 Spice.  I added it to spinach last night, then placed my honey & orange chicken on a bed of it.  Just scrumptious, so I had it again tonight, with a 1/2 sweet potato with C5S on it, too.  I also added it to an apple today.  It's cinnamony, but sharp & spicey, too.  I think I'll try it on some cinnamon toast.

[roxanne]

 Sasi, the honey chicken (over the spinach with C5S) will be one of my favorite meals.  As I said, I actually made it all again the next night.  Even my (dare I say, very picky) husband liked it.  Which dried fruits?  That sounds really good.  Raisins, which I love.  I have a WW Moroccan shrimp with tomatoes & raisins over rice that is really good.  I'll have to pull that out.  The wine & olive sauce sounds dreamy, too.  It is so much easier for me to be healthy if it tastes good, too.  Otherwise I feel very deprived. 

Are you still DD'ing about same 2?

I was playing with idea of talking to a therapist who I saw before.  I like her & she is very brainy-smart, so would be very interested in Cynthia's work.  I thought she might be a good one to bounce ideas off of.  She had suggested doing sort of maintenance therapy - one visit a month - a while ago.  But this morning I am having second thoughts.  Even if I didn't mention this site, it would take her no time to find it.  And I'm Roxanne on her web site, too.  I even thought of changing names, but Roger said something to Sandy about the futility of that, and I agree.  So I would end up censoring what I say here, and I like having one place to not censor myself.  Plus, I'm sure she would want me to curtail it as she is very in to the whole Mindfulness program, which I'm not a super fan of - no kidding!  And I don't know what I would gain from it.  I think if I saw a therapist, it would be one that embraced MD - great if they also had it, of course - and saw it generally as a positive, as I do.

[Elizabeth]

I have successfully been off of Facebook for 3 weeks now! Almost a month.. I do sometimes want to go on just to see if I have any notifications from people that I haven't talked to in a while or who didn't see my sabbatical status, but I resisted. I need to get back into better eating habits and some more exercise, I have gained a little back more than I would have liked. However, its very doable, I did it once and I can do it again. No major holidays (except my birthday and a friend's) coming up so I should be able to stay away from overeating situations. I will have to try the Chinese 5 spice it sounds yummy.

[Lightman]

Jan 9. Work today was good and surprisingly slow, did another brutal  30min of cardio in the gym, dinner and smoothie as usual.   Ok there where some questions. Rox, I use my camera phone (iphone 4S, I'm going to try to take more pics of my everyday life. I think it will help me evaluate my progress), I'm switching between 2 DDs right now, the first is a reality show of my everyday life. It's good because it makes me focus on task at hand and I'm narrating it to the camera in my head, it also makes me want to plan stuff IRL so that the show stays interesting. In the show I'm myself job/clothes/look everything. The talk with Elizabeth was good. She is the only person in the world that really knows the dept and darkness of my MD. My "dark passenger" (if you haven't seen the clip where Dexter explains to an AA group about his dark passenger, check it out! I very much could relate to his speech). She has seen me try and fail to quit my MD over the years. She pointed out that I don't think that "quitting MD" is realistic for you, because it hasn't succeeded before... and if you do succeed I think it will make you unhappy and empty in the long run.  So the approach of me fusing myself with my MD world is a much more promising endeavor and if done well it can actually become one of my greatest strenghts. Because the world is filled with people who don't have MD and who are living far FAR below their true potential! You have something that if you learn to control it, can help you unlock that strength! She has been telling me for years (!) to go on a media detox and get a basic life routine going where I manage the holy trinity of sleep/food/exercise, that made her happy. She also pointed out that  "right now you need to get the basics done, so that you no longer feel like you are constantly threading water. When you have the physical aspects under control, you need to move on to internal matters and get to the core of your behaviour". Ok it's 9pm and I need to do my 20min clean up+call my mom+do some grooming and I know that you want to hear about yesterdays meltdown. But I have a  feeling that it will be a long post and I haven't emotionally really grasped it yet, and I want to write it properly... 
Girls I'm so proud of you, keep up the good work!

[roxanne]

The holy trinity of sleep/food/exercise - that is so good.  (And coming from a social worker, too.  I could have guessed.)

Again, I love your idea of reality TV show, using your real life.  I'm not quite ready to go there - except around the margins - as I so like spending quality time as my DD self.  But I'm going to continue to take baby steps to merge.  Still getting used to being 2 years older.  Will have to check back on our mutual diary to see when that started - nice to have this account.  I can't say it's been easy, but I've resisted urge to go back.  Where else could I get support for pretending to be 2 years older than I was pretending to be in the first place?  

Sasi, I hope your intense DD phase is enjoyable.  I know you like to keep it at a minimum, but it sounds like great fun to me.  I hope you let yourself just bask for a while.  You always have so much to do, and get so much done, you are kind of amazing.  I have never had Thai, but hear it is very good.  I'm making meatballs with diced tomatoes tomorrow.  We should have an event with just healthy recipes.  I'm also passing them on to my on-line Weight Watcher's group.  I have enjoyed running the group - I check in with them twice a day to see what struggles they are having.

[sasi]

Ok time to confess.Fallen completely off the wagon for a few days.Honestly there are mitigating circumstances but need some damage control.

Scales not to pleased with me this morning(I can't say it's a surprise).I now have 5 lbs to loose.I know it doesn't sound much but it's plenty to be going on with.

For various reasons I am absolutely physically and mentally exhausted at the moment but mood still positive.I have had a healthy lunch and am going to just make a quick veggie omelette for supper I think.If exercise doesn't happen today then so be it.Sleep is top of my to do list I think as it will make everything else easier.Dd not an option today as my brain too tired.

Well done all of you for keeping me motivated.Lightman-you are keeping up all the work in every area.Go you!Elizabeth-liking the no facebook.I actually find facebook boring now after keeping away so temptation gone.Roxanne-glad the recipies are such a success.I'm always open to some new suggestions from you or your WW group also as I get bored with the same meals.

Here's looking forward to some sleep for me and great days for all of you!

[Elizabeth]

Its Ok Sasi, we all fall off here and there. I definitely did during the holidays on my diet, my tummy is pooching a little more again :/ BUT I have gotten back into eating healthier and its not as hard as a I thought it would be. I am with you on the DDing though, I have really gotten into going home and halfway dding/reading/watching TV again with no urge to be with others. I think its also because it gets so dark earlier here during winter that I just want to shut myself away. I have been really exhausted the past two weeks physically and mentally. I see and think of things I want to do but when I get home I just feel so drained.

I think getting into a better exercise and eating cycle might replenish my energy. OH and for those who are trying to eat healthier and like pasta dishes, I found a light chicken parmesan recipe from one of the baking/cooking blogs I follow. Here is the link to it:

Lighter Chicken Parmesan

[Lightman]

Jan 10. Today I paid the price for yesterday's 30 min high intensity (pulse between 150-190bpm) intervall training. We had a 2,5h staff meeting that put me on a snooze mode that lasted throughout the day. So today I did light walking on the threadmill for 30min, followed by usual routine. I hoping to put up some pics of my weekday routines this weekend.  
Back to sunday. there is a combination of things that pushed me off the wagon. I was tired, I bought a lifestyle magazine (that I always used to DD to) on the way home, I was fed up with cleaning, not feeling the motivation and frankly living in the real world is hard... so I got home, had lunch and after that crashed into an old DD. After 2 hours there was a small voice somewhere in the back of my mind that said stop. So I cut the music and stod for 15 min in front of the mirror saying over and over again "What the hell are you doing..." 
That sobered me up enough and I switched to an audiobook , that usually distracts my mind. It didn't work so I put on JM's "Unlimited how to build and exceptional life" instead. That helped some, I started DD that I was on JM's new show and she was coaching me. But I was still pretty sluggish and whiny... so I watched some clips of her tearing into BL contestants and then hit the gym.  If you have seen her in action, you know that she has a temper and a mouth on her... So I apologize in advanced for the language... 
So a furious Jillian put me on the elliptical... selected a tough program pushed me to my limit and told me exacly what was on her mind: 
"One week, ONE WEEK! That's it! That is the range of your endurance?!? You've had a tough week and now you are done? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME- ONE WEEK? Moan and bitch, huh moan and bitch.. buhu. Your head hurts, you are tired, you are hungry, cleaning makes you bored, living in the real world is too hard.. That is such a bummer. Because you know what,  your ASS,  IS MINE FOR THE NEXT TWELVE MONTHS! and guess what? It is only going to get HARDER and it is only going to HURT MORE! So you better toughen up right now! Next level, push it! let's go. I want you to feel like you are dying! Do you see that girl in the mirror infront of you? She is struggling, she is fighting to get her life back... What the hell is wrong with you that makes you think that she isn't worth figthing for? Are you going to give up on her again? NO!  YOU ARE GOING TO FIGTH! I NEED A WARRIOR! SHOW ME HOW STRONG GIRLS CAN BE!"    
So 30min of that... and I was back on track. JM gave me a less severe beat down on monday and again today...  All my energy is going into following my plan, so I have decided that JM's unlimited will be my blueprint for this year. I'm going to do everything that she says in that book, I'm going to listen to it so many times that I will be able to recite it by heart, and go above and beyond. 
Sasi good job on the damage control! So its 8:15pm, time for some clean up and JM. 

[roxanne]

Elizabeth - I have copied the chicken parmesan and plan to make it this week-end.  This is so much fun getting new recipes.  I really gained over holidays - has any one seen the N Y Times new report?  It is pretty depressing about how hard losing & maintaining is - much harder than they realized.  You really can't afford to just "take off" a little time.  On the good side, all those hunger signals you are feeling even after you've eaten an adequate dinner - they actually are hunger signals.  You don't have to obey them, because your body is trying to get back to it's highest weight.  But they are hunger signals.  I've driven myself nuts saying that it had to be "psychological" hunger, and so tried to identify whether I was anxious, bored, etc.  It's actually a relief to know that it's just what it feels like - hunger.  There are  certainly times when I am nervous - during a storm, for instance - or bored but I know I am & know why I'm eating.  You can always find some stress in your life.  But if it comes an hour or two after eating, it is probably real hunger.  Your body wants more fat than is healthy to give it.

[roxanne]

150-190 bpm?  OMG, is that even healthy.  It scares me to think of it.  I try to stay in the 120's.  

But what a great reality show that must have been.  I always thought Jillian was very entertaining, just not against ME!  I do think you have to have conversations with yourself and using someone else to share in the dialogue is second nature to us.  I like the Warrior motif.  

Sasi - I hope you've been able to get some sleep.  Nothing seems to work well without it.

[sasi]

A good nights sleep last night has done wonders.

Eating was fine yesterday.no reason why today shouldn't be ok.I have my gym kit with me so plan to go at lunchtime for the first time in a month.If you hear sirens it's the ambulances coming to resuscitate me ;).

Roxanne-is there a link for the NY Times article?i would love to read it.

Lightman-also interested in the book by JM.I am going to check it out on Amazon right now.

Thanks to all of you for being so nice about my slip ups.I'm sure it will be a journey of ups and downs.

I'm on a carb free diet so any suitable recipies welcomed.

[roxanne]

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-tra...

It's a long article and not for faint of heart.  But I would rather know the truth.