Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[roxanne]

Well, that question certainly came right to the point.  I guess I would like help going back, with some soft "cushions" to fall on when I get too upset with him; cushions in the form of other DD crushes.  (Usually it's a matter of seeing his new girl friend who's quite the publicity hound.  As much as he himself is the A-Lister - not her - he always tried to keep private life quiet.  So even though you knew who he was going with, you rarely saw pics of them.)  This has been good in the sense that I have had to face how deeply entrenched he was in my DD and  how all of this is not without it's dangers. I have been able to move away somewhat, although it's taken me 17 weeks and a lot of help from here - this site & particularly this thread.  

I also am so grateful that I found this place in time for all of this.  I went through something similar last year when they broke up for short time, but then got back together.  I was really shocked by how hard it hit me, but this time was worse.  To have to go through something like this and tell no one, receive no sympathy or support is really a lot to bear.  It's like going through a divorce with no one knowing.  I have a good friend who is gay and talks of always hiding who he is from most of the people he knows.  But he has his gay friends & few of us understanding straight ones.  We really have no one else to talk to.  Another good that has come from all this is actually writing it down has yielded up some of it's power.  I realize how crazy some of it sounds.  The relationship is totally made up; what difference who his current girl friend is?  Not that I can say, Oh well, that's crazy, I'll stop feeling that way.  But it does allow me to take one step backward out of the fire.  You & Sasi, particularly, have kept me sane, and actually helped me make some sense of & grow from this.  

[J Noland]

Oh that is my worst nightmare to write something that sounded thoughtless! I'm sorry if I was too blunt with the question. I wanted to be sure I knew what you needed before I started rattling off things that aren't helpful. A thousand apologies to you, roxanne. I will try to be more mindful from now on.

 I do read a lot of stories about celebrity handlers who put the celebrities into situations where they will be noticed and photographed. Celebrity romances often seem to be arranged by a shared publicist or the lesser (or more publicity hungry) celeb tips off photogs to where the two will be seen together. If a recent break-up seemed sudden it may have been weeks or months brewing, but the celebs smile and pretend all is well until the big announcement of a split. Not many whirl wind celeb romances have much substance. This new thing is probably a re bound type thing. But it would be good for you to be seen out and about with someone new who may just turn out to be something special. Then Mr Obsession will have some competition.

 It's hard to be depressed over these issues for me too. There's no where else to talk about it except here. This thread in particular due to the shared experience of these half romances. I have thought along those lines of "so what if I find out something bad about him? I'll just keep the stuff I like and go on my merry little way." But it doesn't work like that most of the time. It's just like getting over something in real life; takes time and self searching, deciding what I would accept as forgivable and then the rough moving on part.

roxanne said:

Well, that question certainly came right to the point.  I guess I would like help going back, with some soft "cushions" to fall on when I get too upset with him; cushions in the form of other DD crushes.  (Usually it's a matter of seeing his new girl friend who's quite the publicity hound.  As much as he himself is the A-Lister - not her - he always tried to keep private life quiet.  So even though you knew who he was going with, you rarely saw pics of them.)  This has been good in the sense that I have had to face how deeply entrenched he was in my DD and  how all of this is not without it's dangers. I have been able to move away somewhat, although it's taken me 17 weeks and a lot of help from here - this site & particularly this thread.  

I also am so grateful that I found this place in time for all of this.  I went through something similar last year when they broke up for short time, but then got back together.  I was really shocked by how hard it hit me, but this time was worse.  To have to go through something like this and tell no one, receive no sympathy or support is really a lot to bear.  It's like going through a divorce with no one knowing.  I have a good friend who is gay and talks of always hiding who he is from most of the people he knows.  But he has his gay friends & few of us understanding straight ones.  We really have no one else to talk to.  Another good that has come from all this is actually writing it down has yielded up some of it's power.  I realize how crazy some of it sounds.  The relationship is totally made up; what difference who his current girl friend is?  Not that I can say, Oh well, that's crazy, I'll stop feeling that way.  But it does allow me to take one step backward out of the fire.  You & Sasi, particularly, have kept me sane, and actually helped me make some sense of & grow from this.  

[sasi]

Roxanne-sorry for delay in reply.All a bit hectic at the moment.Several things to say but will try to be brief(as have a list of chores longer than this thread!)

Firstly please don't ever berate yourself that this is crazy etc.We are all going through the same thing.Just because it is a fiction in our heads doesn't make the emotions less real and that's the issue for us.

You asked about my problem crush at the start of the year.I am truely over him.I watched the current show he is in last night and actually like his costar more than him.I think it was the emotions I was attached to and I had focused those emotions on him.

I think that you have tried very hard to get over your current crush and it's just not going to happen anytime soon.Therefore I think you should give in gracefully.I know this is an old suggestion and possibly not practical but can you avoid any celeb gossip source.My ban has lasted a couple of months now and I can't begin to tell you how much of a difference it has made.I have space in my head to read literature again,have an unpolluted current crush,feel less inadequate etc etc.I also realise that I'm not actually that interested in these people anyway.You strike me as a woman of substance who can form her own opinions.Do you need the celeb stuff??

I wonder that if you avoid new sources of info the emotional attachment to the current girlfriend will lessen and you can reattach properly to your crush.

I hope it gets better soon

[roxanne]

Thanks, to  both of you.  JeN, I didn't at all mean to imply that your question was too blunt.  Please be straight forward.  I meant it as a compliment.  I think we need to be straight forward with each other to get any where.  Sasi has said pretty much the same thing, and I think you just hit the nail on the head.  Please do not back off, or be more mindful of what you are saying.  It wastes so much time & insight, don't you think?

I guess right now I'm going back & forth between thinking I would concentrate on him, and pull away from time to time with others, or vice versa - concentrate on some one (or ones) else and have "flings" with him.  I guess I'll just see.

Sasi, I have taken your advice and stopped taping 3 different celebrity shows, my main source of info.  (Amazing how many there are - those are just some available.)  I also have not bought celebrity mag. for a while, although I do look over the front page on news stands.  And I rarely go into personal sites on internet, although will look up status of new movie.

JeN, I have read that he started seeing this new girl last Nov. - even saw their first meeting mentioned in mag. at the time - but he didn't actually break up with old girl friend until May.  Interestingly, as much as I didn't like her before, I think she was caught off-guard and was really flailing for a while.  I felt such a kinship with her.  She apparently thought their next step was marriage and ended up in hospital "with a broken arm(heart)."  She has rebounded just recently with a new boy friend.  His last 2 relationships have lasted about 5 years each, although this new girl does seem a little brighter, more sophisticated.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for being there through this really crazy time of my life.

[J Noland]

Phew! I'm so glad you wern't put off by it.

I used to watch the gossip shows quite a bit too and they got to be ridiculous. I don't really know who many of the celebrities are that they are talking about. And the gossip mags too. I used to buy them all and had subscriptions to some but it was a waste of money, they all have the same pictures and you can't rely on the "sources" who give the secrets up. We have them laying around the break room and I find that I don't care to look at them anymore. However, I do check websites a lot but I don't have a crush that shows up there.

 I think just allowing yourself some time to explore other relationships (just like in real life after a rough patch) is a safe bet. Then if you run into the old flame on tv or by just having a bad day then just enjoy it for what ever it turns into. Does it ever work to try and wipe the slate clean and meet up for the first time, banish the history? I can sometimes do that with my crush to make things new. Sometimes I just end up replaying the same old stuff but other times I've created a few good new scenes.

 Sometimes the stories from the exes are for publicity. Just like any break up there are two sides to the story. Usually both people have some sort of fault in the break up-another reason to avoid the tabloids and their "sources."

roxanne said:

Thanks, to  both of you.  JeN, I didn't at all mean to imply that your question was too blunt.  Please be straight forward.  I meant it as a compliment.  I think we need to be straight forward with each other to get any where.  Sasi has said pretty much the same thing, and I think you just hit the nail on the head.  Please do not back off, or be more mindful of what you are saying.  It wastes so much time & insight, don't you think?

I guess right now I'm going back & forth between thinking I would concentrate on him, and pull away from time to time with others, or vice versa - concentrate on some one (or ones) else and have "flings" with him.  I guess I'll just see.

Sasi, I have taken your advice and stopped taping 3 different celebrity shows, my main source of info.  (Amazing how many there are - those are just some available.)  I also have not bought celebrity mag. for a while, although I do look over the front page on news stands.  And I rarely go into personal sites on internet, although will look up status of new movie.

JeN, I have read that he started seeing this new girl last Nov. - even saw their first meeting mentioned in mag. at the time - but he didn't actually break up with old girl friend until May.  Interestingly, as much as I didn't like her before, I think she was caught off-guard and was really flailing for a while.  I felt such a kinship with her.  She apparently thought their next step was marriage and ended up in hospital "with a broken arm(heart)."  She has rebounded just recently with a new boy friend.  His last 2 relationships have lasted about 5 years each, although this new girl does seem a little brighter, more sophisticated.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for being there through this really crazy time of my life.

[roxanne]

I just received this e-mail from a friend and thought it was interesting, considering all...:

"I am always in state of becoming.  I embrace change as it allows me to become all I am meant to be.  As I move through this current Transition & evolve in spiritual understanding, I release the past & welcome the glorious present, whatever future that may take me into."

I'm feeling somewhat freer right now, thanks to you all. 

[J Noland]

That would make a nice meditation to repeat in the mind if frazzled.

 I hope the avoidance of media is going well. It can be hard to avoid the more popular gossip when it's mentioned almost everywhere these days. Would it help to try and pretend that the man you hear about in the mags/shows is not the same one as your crush? Maybe he is a look alike competitor and your crush is discusted by the look alike's un savory behavior. That would allow you to pick and choose the parts of him that you like while still confronting the bad stuff. Easier said than done :-/

roxanne said:

I just received this e-mail from a friend and thought it was interesting, considering all...:

"I am always in state of becoming.  I embrace change as it allows me to become all I am meant to be.  As I move through this current Transition & evolve in spiritual understanding, I release the past & welcome the glorious present, whatever future that may take me into."

I'm feeling somewhat freer right now, thanks to you all. 

[roxanne]

I love your creativity, JeN.  I actually have taken earlier advice and pretended I just met him for first time.  Current girl friends never bothered me before.  (Really strange, I know.)  It's the girl friend ( the trollop) that I see all over the place.  I also am not throwing myself into him, as I did before, so I guess that is good.  And sort of "dating around."  I will probably miss the intensity of a single relationship, but I'll try this for a while.  I took such a beating, that maybe this is for the best.

[J Noland]

I hate those trollops ;-)  Sounds like fun to be dating around. A nice change of pace is helpful after any difficult situation. My dds have been pretty light lately, not absorbed in any one scenario. I suspect something will kick in and I'll deep into one of my stories.

[sasi]

Hope the Dding around is going well.Just remember no dd wedding until monogamous!!!

 

[roxanne]

I had a very unusual couple days of DD'ing.  Took advice from here and pretended to erase my slate with "obsession", and met him again for first time.  We decided to have 1 night stand and never see each other again, as we wanted different things out of relationships, despite the attraction.  This allowed us a level of intensity that wouldn't come otherwise.  To take advantage of whole scenario, we decided to tell each other 1 secret we had never told anyone, and this world of my MD was my secret.  We read through some recent posts on site together to give him an idea of what I was talking about,  and read through whole thread of Longstanding Daydreams.  (It was fascinating to look at it from another perspective, as so much of my soul is bared there.)  The whole experience was thrilling and some how freeing.  I of course met him again last night for first time & we did it all over again.  Probably will tonight as well.

[roxanne]

He's switched girl friends again.  I found I couldn't really DD much at all today.  Just sort of emotionless.  I haven't been well and that may have added to ennui.  Hope to get a little zip back in my step.

How's everyone else doing?