Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Mace Winter]

I’m sure you’re being too critical of yourself. But i do understand how it feels to see yourself that way. It’s a difficult way to live, that’s for sure. I hope those in your life remind you how important you are.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think what flew up their nose...to be honest. They simply didn't find me interactive. I didn't seem one bit friendly and smart. I just wasn't verbally expressing myself and making good eye contact. So they found me sort of lame. With no friends. 

I mean, I think I'm OK. That doesn't many others will. I could be more approachable and sociable, and work on my verbal skills. It seems I'm ticking people off with my inability to exert an abundant and we'll spoken dialogue. 

I think the reason I did MD is because I found it difficult to break out of myself. I've always been the same. MD just covers that frustration. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I was too haunted by my experiences. I can't see how I make people upset or very critical. 

What I find difficult now is getting a job.

[Mace Winter]

I think I understand. I have a friend who tells me she has resting bitch face. I haven’t seen that about her. Although she is pretty tall and intimidates lots of men - I love watching that! Sometimes she will wear tall heels when she goes out just so men don’t hit on her. So funny! Funny thing is that when you speak with her for a few minutes you learn she’s the nicest person ever and more empathetic than most people I know. I guess judging a book by its cover really is a bad thing. 

I find it difficult to understand how you might put people off because you’ve only been nice and communicative and outgoing with me. Is it easier without the face to face component? 

I was talking with a friend this morning (the one I stay with while i am in Oregon) about how our experiences as a kid shape who we are as an adult. It’s such a powerful connection between the two. I grew up not feeling safe and to this very day I am affected by that experience. I am always careful to sure about myself and my possessions being secure. I suppose being a cop didn’t help with that either, but I attribute my hyper vigilance to being raised by a pack of wolves.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, my experiences as a kid did shape who I am as an adult. I do wish I could've changed things about my childhood. What was I to tell until I saw the ultimate effects in my adulthood. 

[Mace Winter]

I do understand that notion of changing things about childhood. But, really, what kid has much control over their childhood? We are taken places and given experiences without much ability to have any input. Then as an adult you’re forced to heal from trauma you weren’t complicit in causing. Ugh. It can be demoralizing if we let it be so. I prefer to focus on the things I have had the ability to guide and how I handle those things. Some suck, some I did a pretty good job with. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Just this morning, I realize what that I lived in my own world all these years. My village-town used to be my whole world. I was surrounded by young people my own age. Things were more lively and eventful. I felt, this place has everything. 

However, I lived inside my head too much, got sucked into a realm of ongoing daydreams. Wasn't paying attention to life. My grades dropped. I went to an art college. I expected that life was going to be spectacular. However, I wasn't all grown up and had no sense of responsibility. There were many of things I didn't know how to do. My dad was pushing for me to be independent all my life, even to this day. 

19 years after I left high school, I reflect on all those years of learning curves and big mistakes. I wished that I used my brain and realized my parents aren't going to be here forever, nobody will be around, it's going to be all up to me. So, I do wish that I took school more seriously. 

[Mace Winter]

It does feel (sometimes) as if we’re going to be stuck somewhere forever and that everything is up to us. I don’t think, however, that it actually true. Even though we don’t see the future, we can be certain others will enter our lives along the way and that our “tribe” will become an influence in what we do and where we go in our lives. I try hard to hold onto the idea that I am not alone in my decisions and the eventual outcome of my life. I can’t predict what it will look like, but if I continue to surround myself with people who care about me, their influence should be positive.

It’s odd to think I look forward to others helping to shape my life, but I do. There are so many people who are smart and caring and see more clearly than I do because of 3rd party perspective. I wont ever give someone complete control over me, but I do listen to and respect those I love.

Don’t you think your parents are looking out for your best interests? I wonder what a frank, direct conversation with them about your concerns would look like? Personally, I would have to fight back my defensive nature. I wanna argue anyone who is critical of me - it’s not healthy, but i do it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just afraid of what my parents will think if I'm still not employed and ready. The clock is ticking. I had a lot of positions, but they didn't work out. Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you're good. 

[Mace Winter]

I do understand the feeling of the clock ticking and feeling like you’re behind the curve for your age group or peer group. I must be harder if your parents are overachievers. 

Don’t forget that we are all who we are and can’t really change that too much. I like to think of dog breeds. I mean that a Greyhound will never be a Pit Bull in a fight, but a Pit bull will never be a Greyhound in a race. Both breeds have their strengths and limitations - neither is superior, just different than the other.I see people that same way. I will never be a great artist. But there are talented artists who can never do the work I have done. We aren’t inferior to anyone - just different in our individuality. I like to encourage people to see their strengths and ignore their limitations. 

What would you say to a friend who confided in you they were feeling the same things you are feeling? I hope your inner monologue is at least as gentle and encouraging as the answer you would give a friend. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I see your point. I have met hard headed people who think I should be more than who I realistically am. If I failed to satisfy them, they berated me. I can't stand for people like that. 

I think it's because I'm quiet, tardy, and have trouble getting with the program on everybody else's level. Like I don't learn fast. People have found me quite a zoner. 

I grew up in a town for 31 years. I used to know many faces getting through grade school and college. These people live in other parts of the world now. Some are retired, some are deceased, and everybody my age is definitely very big now. Living their own lives. 

Meanwhile I stayed in the same town and neighbourhood, in my parents domain, and hardly have a life. I blame it on my mental health and disability. Although, I was mystified by all the reactions I received in the past. I often wonder if they all did see something, when they saw me. Like they really wondered if I was OK. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

As a kid, I remember how I used to hesitate in unfamiliar situations in a social environment. I just didn't think like the other neurotypical kids. I had trouble listening to what everybody wanted me to do, and honestly didn't understand what was going on. I was following and watching others as an example, so I wouldn't be lost and confused, and fall behind. If I did something wrong and didn't follow properly, they'd start shouting and making strange faces. Like they thought I wasn't on earth. Mature teachers had a sense of humour and bend over with the hands on their knees, and go "silly girl." 

Even when it came to responsibilities. I sucked at that too. I spent my whole life having things done for me. But never learned to take charge and do it myself. I never even took on leadership skills in sports and camping. I was a very dependent individual who just followed others. And I was spoon fed by my mom, most of the time. 

When I became an adult, I had trouble with personal development. I had trouble handling real world situations. So to this day, my dad is shocked that I still haven't made my way out there, without screwing up. I don't even sound and act my own age. 

SO I guess you're right. We can't be somebody else and be just as good as them either. We are who we are.