Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I say roller coaster, not that I mean busy life. More like my life is full of its ups and downs. I might think all is good, what is there to worry about? Next thing I know, things do get kind of bad, even serious. And I'm like, "Oh  no." It's usually associated with finding work. I had a full-time job before the pandemic hit, then I was on employment insurance in between gigs. It's been three years that I haven't had a stable career. So I'm currently not successful. My dad finds it hard to believe he still has to pitch in. It's actually embarrassing in my 30's. 

What I want is a breakthrough. I want a job that I can do, which I can hold onto for a while. It doesn't have to be in the graphics. It can branch off from this. I just want to go on a different course. The last course did not serve me well. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do feel that I went so far with my MD. I can't say what your MD is like. I feel that it 'pulled' me down, it didn't guide me. Like it was mental health issue. MD impacted me significantly. For instance, it kept on making me think 'things' are coming. Things would've been coming if I did everything the correct way. I was a regular daydreamer even before MD started. It just grew on me.

Another thing, I know what you mean, when you mentioned having trouble connecting with others in relationships and getting them to stick around. I've kept very few close friend bonds in my whole life. Maybe 2 at most. I am an amazing person underneath—on the outside, not so much. I've met people who found me uninteresting, and they had to pull a back string to get out words. 

[Mace Winter]

Oh, I did misunderstand. That kind of feeling of rollercoaster when things are our of control is very scary sometimes. I remember looking forward and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. That feeling causes me to clam up and kinda hide inside myself - which is the least helpful thing I could do in a moment like that.

I wonder, when you talk to your parents about this stuff if they’re patient and helpful or if they get frustrated? I know that we (people) can easily get frustrated listening to someone talk about a problem they don’t have. Since they don’t have that shared experience they don’t get it and so they get frustrated that you can’t fix it yourself. Like someone who fears the dark trying to explain the experience to someone who doesn’t fear the dark - they just don’t get it. I hope your parents aren’t that way. That could be really tough on you and not at all helpful!

My MD definitely went too far, At its worst, I could spend all day alone without TV or radio on. I could be lost in a daydream literally all day and I was fine with it. In the last year of so things have changed. I still can’t fall asleep without being lost in a daydream, but I can read a book again and remain focused on the book instead of drifting away into a daydream. My current daydream involves meeting a woman and all the fun of getting to know her and dating and meeting each other’s friends and conversations with each other. Nothing sexual, just the kind of romantic social interaction that I have never been good at. I tend to daydream about the things I lack; feeling close to friends, feeling closeness in a romantic relationship, feeling close to family, feeling comfortable within my own skin, that kinda stuff. My daydreams helped me through times of feeling alone and feeling scared.

What is the common thread among your daydreams? Why do you think you daydream about the things you do? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Currently, I'm being consoled by people in my dream life. Yes, I'm in a relatively scary situation, where it's hard to get a job. I'm trying to reach recruiters, companies and sailing my resume to all sorts of posts, but it feels hopeless at the moment. It's been a while too! I'm not even sure I want to be a graphic designer anymore. And when I doddle off and not concentrate on my strategies, I feel guilty, because my dad keeps giving me verbal warnings and stuff—like parents do. So whenever I'm feeling a little distressed, my dream friends comfort and console me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When you mention that your MD is about being with a woman you can share your thoughts and feelings with, I'm the exact same way. It freaks me out that I never met anybody who filled the mystery figure of a guy I always wanted to meet in my dream life. Maybe it's my fault. I spent years traversing by myself, instead of actually socializing, which was a stupid thing to do. 

My MD was all about being young in this enthralling life with a person I can relate to very well. We swim, play, run, bike and hang out—and flirt. Apparently, it isn't a reality with me. 

People see that I'm very introvert and spend a lot of time doing my own things. I guess I'm one of those independent people who don't prefer to do everything in groups. Extremely intelligent people are like that. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes I think I'm too nice. And I think my MD came with a cost. It effected my attention to my surrounding environment. So I don't have shark eyes to notice things. So people tend to think I'm in outer space. Some have yelled at me so loud. Especially when I don't listen up. I got mistreated and all that. That's why I didn't make a lot of friends. It doesn't cross my mind how other's feel. 

[Mace Winter]

Ugh! That has got to be so stressful. When you’re at home you should be able to be your most relaxed and stress free self. Having your dad pressing you to get things done must make home a stress inducing place. 

It feels odd to write this, but I am glad you have your MD friends to calm and console you. I am leaving Arizona in 11 days and heading to Oregon for the summer. I stay with a friend I have known for 25 years. It is a relatively stress free place to be, but not always. People expect things from us (MD people) that we cannot always give them. People want happy, outgoing, carefree, social, go-with-the-flow, and ready for anything kind of responses - I can’t always be that guy. Sometimes I just want to hide in my room for the day and be left alone. This friend is pretty good about that, but not always. I hope you have an escape when you need it.

MD absolutely affects our interactions with the outside stimuli; people, places and situations require us to pay extra attention. I have to make extra effort to connect when necessary. But, I think MD helped me be a better investigator. I was a Child Abuse Detective. Being a bit awkward and weird (I think) helped kids feel more comfortable around me. Getting young kids to talk about the bad stuff they went through is difficult, but somehow I think they saw my vulnerability and maybe it helped them trust me a little. I think so anyway.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Home is a comfortable, stress-free and relaxed environment. Apparently I don't deserve this cushy life...I have to earn it myself. It's not even my house. I'm getting old there. That is why my parents are pressing on me. I stayed in the house for an abnormally prolonged time into my adulthood, which never should've happened, because I could've helped this problem if I wasn't so bloody minded and lazy—and discouraged. But whoops, had to learn somewhere along the way. Don't we all? I actually thought I was going to be married by now. Um. Wrong. I didn't even test the waters. I never even experienced my first steady relationship. In fact, not everybody likes me when they first see me. I guess, this is why I daydream so much? I just wish people would stop being so mean. I do my best for myself, but it's like, I still don't do it quite right for others. In a way, they throw me at me or they press it on me. We're all human, right? That's the way life is. I have my ups and downs everyday, and it comes with bumps. One moment I'm chill, and next moment I'm not. I really don't like to be stressed, but I have no choice. I have to learn how to be independent and on my own.

I'm glad I'm talking to you. You're so open and accepting, and a good spirit. I'll be Ok, I'm sure. 

[Mace Winter]

It is kind of you to say that I am a good spirit. That is a wonderful compliment, thank you.

I suppose we are all destined to be who we are. I will never be that guy who is filled with confidence and swagger, but I will be someone who cares about others and wants to connect on a deep, meaningful level. That’s just who I was born to be. I sometimes tell people I am tired of trying to make my square peg self fit into their round hole world. It’s exhausting and even if I managed to make it fit, it would be living a lie. I just want to find a way to be the most comfortable me that I can. Sometimes I am blessed to come across someone (like you) who seems okay with my quirkiness, sometimes I come across others who look at me as someone to be avoided. Meh. Who cares. I don’t really care any longer. A friend once told me that people who mind, don’t matter and that people who matter, don’t mind. I like that thought.

Do you think about marriage and that kind of life often? I was married (I think I told you that already) but we divorced in 2006. I find life … easier … without the romantic hassles. I just was never good at being someone’s partner. Who knows, maybe that’ll change some day.

I wish people would stop being mean to you too. Damn it. The very least thing everyone should be is respectful and kind. How can people not understand that everyone is just trying their best to get along in the world and that for some of us it isn’t easy. Kindness is cool - we ought to make a bumper sticker!

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm glad I met you for sure. Well, it's complicated. Everybody has the idea that they ought to marry by 30. I too, had the idea of getting married. But I lived with my parents for a long time. I've seen other people's marriages. Now I'm wondering if it's worth it to get married and kids. Maybe if I got experience, I would know for certain. I've always stuck out for myself. I'm still thinking of having long-term partners. What I really need is my independence. To be honest, I do find living with people sucks. LOL. You have to think of people and show some respect. 

This afternoon, I wondered why my office/bedroom was so warm and the air conditioning was on. My mom checked in and noticed my sheets and quilt cover were covering my air blast. It was no big deal, but she was mad. As though I punched a huge hole in my floor with a big hammer. My point is, maybe your right about marriage.

[Mace Winter]

I’m not trying to persuade you that marriage or living with someone isn’t a good idea. I believe that the right person could make it awesome. The challenge is finding that right person. I’d need someone who understands that on some days I am just quiet - it’s nothing they did wrong or it’s not a problem I am having, I am sometimes just quiet. People tend to interpret those kinds of things as a problem and then an argument begins. Ugh! But, the right person could bring comfort when I need it and solitude sometimes and share good times and remind me that everything is ok, and not get pissy if the blanket covers the AC vent. LOL - I had to pick on your mom a little for that one. 

[Mace Winter]

Yea, I can understand those MD relationships. They’re easier than real life. Easier, safer and often more satisfying because you don’t wonder if you’re connecting at a real level or missing their cues or whether they are a good fit for you, etc. I want to believe that we can’t be TOO nice. As long as I don’t allow people to take advantage of me, being nice is what I do for myself rather than for them. What I mean is that, for example, if I open a door for a woman approaching and she says something snarky like she doesn’t need a man’s help, I am not offended. Just because she didn’t receive it the way I intended it, doesn’t mean what I did was wrong. That’s on her. But, allowing people to treat me badly without calling them out on it  - that’s being too nice because it is harmful to me. Does that make sense?

It is a weird experience for sure. But it is our reality, we need to learn to be as comfortable as possible with who we are. Just because we are different from others doesn’t mean we are in any way less than others. I like to think we are more interesting and thought provoking because we are are different - it would be boring if everyone was the same.