Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had a good beginning with a caring and supportive family, but, I was far from perfect. Many people I've met didn't find me interactive. I was mistaken for being rude, dumb, and bitchy. I truly don't match these adjectives. It was just very hard for me to fit in. I didn't meet that many people who wanted to be my friend. They all just noticed the impression I was giving everyone. As I grew older, dealing with people only got tougher. People found my behaviour and mannerisms very misleading. And they weren't sure if I was really normal or "nuts." So, they'd quietly give me a hard glare, like they didn't know how to trust me anymore. I always felt so terrible when they did this. I never knew what they were thinking, but I certainly could tell that I didn't make a friend. Anyway, these experiences did not lead me down the wrong road. I decided to grow up, hold it together, and sort out a way to handle the problem.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find it amazing that you were a police officer, even a navy member, and you've been through maladaptive daydreaming. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This blog is called Frustration. I am definitely frustrated. I freelance on request, otherwise, I'm trying to get a full-fledged job, so one day, I will move out of the family house. It seems hard to believe. I had many jobs since I was in college. Longest job I ever had was for 4 years at a car parts company. Everything else was short or temp. So I did a lot of hopping, which didn't exactly look good on my resume. It's just getting my feet off the ground. I can never be sure if you create the dream or the dream finds you. You mentioned after military, you stumbled upon a career in the police force. As for me, the arts is fantastic, but if you know how to make a living. Otherwise, you wind up working in survival jobs that will pay the bills, such as retail stores and cafes. I know a former art teacher who supported him staff with a diverse range of jobs to keep him financially secure, until he decided to become a teacher. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Judging by your blog, you sound 'out there' helping people and serving the country. I'm the other way around. 

[Mace Winter]

When I read about you, Jessica, so much of what I read sounds familiar as if I am reading about myself. It is a tough road for people (like me) whom I describe as being like a camera lens just slightly out of focus with the rest of the world. It’s as if we almost fit in, we almost feel comfortable, almost have relationships that “work” as we’d like them to. You write about people getting an impression of you that isn’t exactly right - as if they see you slightly out of focus. 

SOme days I am glad they can’t see the real me and other days I long for someone who could. Do you know what I mean by that? Have you had someone who really knows you? Someone you don’t hide from in conversation? Someone with whom you can be yourself? I haven’t. 

I approached being a cop the same way I approached life in general, I wore my psychological masks. I got pretty good at presenting one way for the world t see and then being myself in private. But, remember that mostly being a cop is a solo job. Sure, you meet up with other cops at an actual call for service, but in between you’re alone in your car or office. It really is solitary work, and that was perfect for me.

You remind me that this blog is about frustration. I forget sometimes that I can be frustrated by certain parts of life because I have gotten pretty good at avoiding those areas of life. I hope you continue to become more and more comfortable within the world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To tell you the truth, I feel alone everyday of my life. I can't say I never met anyone who made me feel like I can be myself. I do have a girlfriend in Delhi India, and she is a compassionate person. She will listen to anything I will say and she will accept what I say. She is the only real friend I ever did have. I did have a few close friends who were good people too, who could hang out with me. However when I did open my mouth, they didn't always understand what I meant by things, and would get very confused or perplexed, making me feel like an idiot. One of them still lives near my house, but we never physically hang out anymore. The other one worked for years as an English teacher in Japan and Korea, and then moved to Montreal to attend McGill university. I haven't seen or heard from her since my 20's. After I graduated from University in Toronto, I just stopped staying in contact with others, which was so stupid. Now I have to start over with a new set of friends. 

[Mace Winter]

I am so sorry to hear that you feel alone so often. I know from personal experience that it is a difficult way to live. I can count only a precious few people who have crossed my path who made me feel connected. It was a good feeling. I miss it.

I read a book a few years ago titled, “Wild”. It’s the story of a woman who had a difficult life and found herself hiking alone on a long trail in the US. The message of the book surrounds the healing she felt along the way. Anyway, sometime later it was made into a movie and I watched it. In one scene she met another female hiker and she confided in the other woman that she felt more alone in her real life than she did alone on the trail. I could understand. I often feel more alone in a crowd than when I am alone. It’s a strange experience. 

I wonder what it is about people like you and I that keeps a barrier between us and others? Some people seem to have no barrier at all and seem to be at ease immediately with anyone they meet. Have you wondered what your barrier is made of? What built it? How it serves you in a positive way? Do you have strategies to incrementally let people in? 

For me, I believe it’s because my family was difficult to be a part of. The violence and chaos made me wary of interacting with people openly. My barrier keeps me safe from potential emotional harm. The negative side, of course, is that my barrier keeps out the good people too. I don’t know how to resolve that conflict - needing to feel safe but wanting to be more vulnerable at the same time. I tend to have a couple of people who I can be more open with, not completely open, but more than I am used to being. I have long distance friendships vis text and email more successfully than actual face-to-face friendships. 

I am looking at a travel tour company for single (meaning solo) traveling. I might try that as a way to  safely spend time alone in a group. 

Ugg. It can be a frustrating way to live.

Mace

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have trouble expressing myself verbally aloud. What built was years of living in my head and not talking. It's all about approaching people and filling them in on what I think, and how I expressive my words. Communication and being talkative has always been a burden. People have shouted at me to speak up and talk. I never got the value beneath their criticisms, always thought they were blabbering on nonsense to make themselves heard better for attention. Anyway the point is I could improve my verbal skills and self-expression and telling me what is going on in my life. 

[Mace Winter]

I think I can understand how frustrating it could be for you. You express yourself eloquently and thoughtfully in written form, so if you were trying in person to communicate with someone and the words weren’t flowing as smoothly as they seem to when you write, I imagine that could be a frustrating experience for you. I am sorry (if that’s the case) because you have lots to say that people would want to hear. I certainly do.

I am reminded of a case I worked about 10 years ago. A young girl who had suffered abuse by a family friend. She was unable to tell me what happened. She just could not say the words aloud. With her mom’s permission I started texting her about nothing in particular. After she became comfortable texting with me she was able to text the details I needed to prosecute her abuser. It was an interesting method that worked in that particular case. 

You remind me of her because you describe having difficulty communicating verbally, but in written form one wouldn’t have a clue about that. I am glad we met through this forum otherwise we may not have been able to learn about each other and share with someone who gets it.

Thank you

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's great talking to you as well. I haven't shared my thoughts and opinions with anyone over the pandemic. Our conversation is a breath of fresh air. It's harder to find people like you, when everybody is restricting themselves and staying safe. Now that summer is here and the weather is nicer, I am determined to be very social. 

I'm greatful to be working in a digital marketing agency. Working in an agency opens doors. Apparently they are heavy in planning, so they don't need designs at this moment. Better luck next week. Life of a freelancer, projects come in random spits. 

[Mace Winter]

Well, I hope you enjoy the summer while work is slow. Would I have seen your work somewhere? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

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