Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You made a good choice to stop dating for a while, at least. Is it your MD life that makes the relationship emotionally difficult? If I had experienced relationships, I'm sure my partners would've argued at me for seeming deaf, hard to get through and discourteous. I quarelled with a couple students at my college! At 30 I learned that I had Asperger syndrome, but also, I had a daydreaming disorder. 

Again, nobody had a clue what world "I thought" I was in. It explains why everybody got so picky. Anyway, what can you do? Life is unfortunate, you learn a lot. You're right, nobody is perfect. 

[Mace Winter]

Yea, it’s mostly the MD that makes romantic relationships difficult. People just don’t understand that you’re not ignoring them, you’re just somewhere else in your mind. I have a nephew with Asperger’s. He is at the high functioning end of the spectrum, so we can talk about his experience in a way he and I both understand. It’s a tough diagnosis. I think you probably struggle quite a bit since you deal with both Asperger’s and MD. That’s a tough combo.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, it gave me a hell of a life. Does your nephew struggle with friends, or is he doing OK? What are his talents?

[Mace Winter]

He has a tough time socially but he has a small group of friends. He becomes frustrated easily if someone disagrees with him during conversation or questions his logic on something, but he manages better as he grows older. He doesn’t always get social queues and can seem a bit awkward.

His super power is research. His dad and I took him to England for a vacation when he was 12. Mason (kinda named after me but not quite) was anxious about the idea of travel and new places and all the associated unknowns. My brother tasked him with researching places to visit and things to see while we would be there. It turned out to be the best decision because Mason (of course) found all the same destinations any tourist would -all the places we would have chosen anyway- but he was much more comfortable because he felt it was his idea and he had some research knowledge in his head when we went to different places so he felt as if he was a tour guide of sorts.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, I am anxious of the idea of traveling to new places. My parents used to take my sister and I to Scotland, and England. We went together as a family, of course. I can't recall ever travelling alone, except when I joined a college road trip to New York City. 

I must admit, most of my former peers got out there and traveled, in their adulthood. So I kind of envy them. This will sound harsh, but my mom told me, "I don't think you perceive in the world six feet from you, and past the driveway." I don't think this is entirely true. I'm sure I'd be fine, if I traveled with loved ones and friends. Maybe I'm weak at handling the situation independently. 

[Mace Winter]

I suppose we all learn to play the hand we are dealt. I also suspect we all wish for the things we don’t have. Maybe that’s human nature? But between the disappointments I hope to find the joy. It sounds like your parents are pretty protective. That’s not a bad thing. Does it frustrate you sometimes?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My mom is the protective one. My dad wishes that I was liberated and out of his hair. I do find it frustrating. People do see me as a person who doesn't speak much, nor listens well and doesn't perform quite right. So many of them mistaken me for not being smart and liable. So they have to monitor me and tell me how things should be done. They do start to get impatient and lose their cool. 

Mom thinks this way of me too. I also behave in ways that makes her all critical on me. For instance, she's watched me many times in a daydream state. She thinks I won't be very successful if I keep this up. 

I find it hard to believe I can turn this all around for the better. I've had a lot of jobs since I was 19. I was hoping to get a permanent job that I like enough, so I can finally leave. 

All in all, I am determined to find that dream job this year. I'm going to break a leg. Honestly, I don't care what anybody thinks. 

[Mace Winter]

Oh, I am sorry to hear that both parents make things uncomfortable for you. Damn. A person needs to feel safe and comfortable wherever they are, we all deserve that much. And we deserve a support system that believes we can reach our best potential. 

I have to wonder what the “dream job” you mention would be. You mention breaking a leg, just like they say about acting. Is the goal to be an actor? Now that would be an exciting trail to explore! Are you a singer? Dancer? Dramatic actor? Comedian? That is so impressive to me - well anyone who is creative  - is impressive. I don’t have a creative streak in me anywhere. I can’t create anything, but I enjoy the fruits of another person’s labor. I attend lots of art galleries and museums and that kind of thing. One of the best things about the area I live in (near Phoenix, Arizona) is there’s a lot of artsy stuff going on. I spend my winter months here and then when it gets too hot here I spend summers on the Oregon coast where it’s much cooler. In fact, I am beginning to pack for the drive to Oregon in about 3 weeks. It’s a fun trip. I stop in Las Vegas and a few other favorite places along the way.

I wonder how you spend your free time?

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm not an entertainer and I don't perform. God no. I'm digital artist, I do visuals for people's websites and promotional material. Currently I'm a digital media specialist for pitch deck presentations for an omnichannel media business in grocery. It's fun work, I do get paid well, but its only 2-10 hours a week. Since I earned my degree in design, I've been hopping on contracts for 13 years. I'm hoping I can find a career that I really like. I have a knack for digital product design and user experience. I am very interested in the healthcare industry. I did a core project in college where I designed a playful package for a children's asthma pacifier. I'm going hoping to find an opportunity where I can be a UX model designer for scientific-proven products, whether its medicine, body care...or somewhere in between. It's just an idea, LOL. I also enjoy advertising everyday functional merchandise, for kitchen, home and outdoors. I used to be a graphic specialist for a car parts franchise. I've been interviewed at a company that sells Doggy Apparel. I'll have to do my research this summer and look at companies like these that need digital designers. 

I should rephrase what I said about my parents. They do not make me feel uncomfortable. They are 100% percent there for me. My dad is very supportive and encouraging in my career path. My mom does support my art and illustrating. However, she's very concerned about my mental health. Whenever I get a new job placement, she reminds me that the team might be noticing things, and it will hurt my chance to stay for long. My MD has actually diminished, so I don't see a big deal with this.

[Mace Winter]

Oh, well that clears it up for me. When you wrote about breaking a leg it seemed like a reference to acting - ya know how actors say, “Break a leg” before a performance? I wonder why they say that?

Either way, It’s clear that you have a creative streak. Creating, designing and presenting your ideas to the world is a gutsy move. I like it. I have always thought artists see the world differently than the rest of us. I wonder if that is true or not? I recently found this artist whose work I really enjoy. Her name is  Karolina Adams. Please check out her website. there’s some interesting stuff there. She has a melancholy view of the world that resonates with me. I got to meet her at an art show. After a brief conversation I came to believe she shares some of my (our) difficulties in relating with other people. 

I’m glad to hear that I was wrong about your parents. Having a strong support network is so important. 

I have read several people who wrote about their MD diminishing with time. I wonder if you can connect the change with anything? Could it be that people age out of it? Maybe therapy? Maybe our psyche reaches a place where we replace MD with something more healthy? Maybe some of us simply develop that piece of ourselves more slowly than others and at some point we are just emotionally developed enough to stop without intervention? It’s been a fascinating journey for me. MD has been a lifesaver for most of my life, but now it is a barrier to the more healthy lifestyle I long for, so I am ready to let it go.

Anyway, what does this weekend have in store for you? I am helping a friend who is buying a new treadmill. I’ll help her get it home and help set it up. 

Mace

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Anyway, I'm doing good. I just have to be more social this summer, that's all. Hopefully, get a full-fledged position. Get active, stay healthy and in shape. What can go wrong?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have no idea what to do with my weekend. Today I'm just chilling with a book. I hope to get out and do something on Mother's Day. 

I do find that my MD diminished over time and with age. MD is good for inspiration, memory work, and brainstorming to creative people. I feel that I got too carried away with it. I should've lightened up and saw that it will do me no favours.