Taking Control of MD and Finding a Productive Use

[Geobukseon]

Ever since I could remember, I've always had MDD.  I loved to create these vibrant worlds within my mind and find vast amounts of inspiration from even the smallest spark.  During the difficult times in high school and my families financial struggles, it gave me an escape and an outlet for the suffocating negativity from both a school and home where there was little to no peace.  It's always been a part of who I am as a person and I've never known life without it.

However, as time has past and I'm on the verge of entering my thirties, I find myself trapped by it.  I haven't grown up at all and still live within my parent's house.  I constantly wrestle with my own confidence in doing the most basic things and always want to avoid watching others grow up and enjoy life the ways I never did.  I can't form meaningful relationships with people and every time I see people my age with those relationships, I feel so far behind and so unsettled in knowing that the struggles I've faced felt like they've been for nothing.

I want to use this creativity to create something tangible.  I want to control it as to validate my life and give it purpose, but as time goes on, it's becoming more and more impossible for me.  I feel so alien and lost, hating myself for things I haven't done and for not fixing them when I should.

[Silver Swan]

I'm just the same as you. Instead of concentrating on my studies and building relationships with people, I lived in my MDD worlds on a constant basis. It all started as a preteen while watching a TV program in my basement, but then it soared to big heights as I got older. I had no control of what I was doing. I can barely remember how I started MDD, but I can only guess that I was always getting bullied and felt socially cut out, so I wanted to form positive human connections that existed only in my imagination. Regardless, it went too far, and I got low grades in high school, but I was still able to attend OCAD University.

In my twenties, the economy was getting bad, so with a degree in my hand, I tried so hard to get a decent job that could pay for my rent. However, all the jobs that I got were part-time and full-time contracts, where I mostly worked in the comfort of my  home. I tried so eagerly to nail a permanent full-time in-house position, but this didn't work and a lot of doors closed on me. I have managed to get onsite jobs in a couple printing places, but they caught me daydreaming and I'm not kidding!! My ass was out the door in a Jiff! Right now, I work on the cheap in this flimsy low-income contract offered to me by a group of Eastern Indians who run a car parts business out in the boonies. So, there's no way I can afford my own apartment, places to live are so very expensive. I'm currently 33 years old and still live with my parents too! Welcome to the club.

I know what you mean, when you spot young couples in a relationship and holding hands as you walk by. I can only guess they didn't do MDD. LOL. I have been single ALL MY LIFE. Surprisingly, I haven't dated since I was 20 or 22. I blame it on living in my head too much and seldom ever expressing myself. People around you will just behave like you don't exist. You have to verbally open your soul to them. Something I was afraid to do for some time. I do recall many people explaining to me that my looks bother them, as I come out appearing so serious and deadpan, NOT smiling, talking and laughing. MDD sucks your ability to get thoroughly  involved in your surrounding environment and interact better with others.

Lately, my MDD is dissolving to an extent, I barely do it anymore. After clearing your head of MDD, it's a whole new world. Everything just smacks you in the face. You realize that you've escaped life for a large chunk of time. You began to understand why everybody's been acting like your crazy. You begin to see why you haven't earned your rights to be a grown adult. Why you just haven't drank from that silver cup yet.

Being in my 30's, I learned that I didn't prove to be an adult, because I spent all my time living in these dreamworlds, instead of waking up to life. Now that my mind is here, I'll have to make up for all the years I couldn't make good decisions, due to my mental health.

[Geobukseon]

I understand where you're coming from.  I do.  I tried out for the Navy and it didn't work out because they found something on my record and it hurt when it happened.  I had to go back home and everyone, including the few friends I had, knew it.  I had to live in fear with that stigma and I couldn't take it.  I started recluding myself and it cost me a good job at a small farmers market.

I did pretty well in college (even though I constantly made excuses for going overdue) and I've also got a good job at a local Cumberland Farms as well as being a paraprofessional as a Substitute Teacher.  I've done well to control my MD for the most part, but I'm ALWAYS afraid of taking the next step because of being caught daydreaming at the wrong time.

I understand it's an addiction and can be problematic, but I want to be able to USE it and not LOSE It.  I suffered plenty in life and want to make it mean something and I want to be an MDDer who can give hope to other MDDers that they can make things out of their lives rather than view it solely as a problem that exists ONLY to destroy their lives.

Silver Swan said:

I'm just the same as you. Instead of concentrating on my studies and building relationships with people, I lived in my MDD worlds on a constant basis. It all started as a preteen while watching a TV program in my basement, but then it soared to big heights as I got older. I had no control of what I was doing. I can barely remember how I started MDD, but I can only guess that I was always getting bullied and felt socially cut out, so I wanted to form positive human connections that existed only in my imagination. Regardless, it went too far, and I got low grades in high school, but I was still able to attend OCAD University.

In my twenties, the economy was getting bad, so with a degree in my hand, I tried so hard to get a decent job that could pay for my rent. However, all the jobs that I got were part-time and full-time contracts, where I mostly worked in the comfort of my  home. I tried so eagerly to nail a permanent full-time in-house position, but this didn't work and a lot of doors closed on me. I have managed to get onsite jobs in a couple printing places, but they caught me daydreaming and I'm not kidding!! My ass was out the door in a Jiff! Right now, I work on the cheap in this flimsy low-income contract offered to me by a group of Eastern Indians who run a car parts business out in the boonies. So, there's no way I can afford my own apartment, places to live are so very expensive. I'm currently 33 years old and still live with my parents too! Welcome to the club.

I know what you mean, when you spot young couples in a relationship and holding hands as you walk by. I can only guess they didn't do MDD. LOL. I have been single ALL MY LIFE. Surprisingly, I haven't dated since I was 20 or 22. I blame it on living in my head too much and seldom ever expressing myself. People around you will just behave like you don't exist. You have to verbally open your soul to them. Something I was afraid to do for some time. I do recall many people explaining to me that my looks bother them, as I come out appearing so serious and deadpan, NOT smiling, talking and laughing. MDD sucks your ability to get thoroughly  involved in your surrounding environment and interact better with others.

Lately, my MDD is dissolving to an extent, I barely do it anymore. After clearing your head of MDD, it's a whole new world. Everything just smacks you in the face. You realize that you've escaped life for a large chunk of time. You began to understand why everybody's been acting like your crazy. You begin to see why you haven't earned your rights to be a grown adult. Why you just haven't drank from that silver cup yet.

Being in my 30's, I learned that I didn't prove to be an adult, because I spent all my time living in these dreamworlds, instead of waking up to life. Now that my mind is here, I'll have to make up for all the years I couldn't make good decisions, due to my mental health.

[Silver Swan]

I'm just curious, at the navy, how did it not work out and what did they see?

[Geobukseon]

@Silver Swan

 They honestly barely saw anything.  I was simply struggling to catch up at first, but my fear of screwing up and getting someone hurt really prevented me from daydreaming as much.  After a while, I connected with my shipmates and was happy, but one day, they called me to the psychiatry office after they found that I had an IEP.  I did my best to explain, but they said I needed to be separated.

[Silver Swan]

I've had many jobs, but I kept screwing up, and they ultimately got rid of me each time. Reason for this, they've noticed that I often wondered off and didn't listen to their words, also they found I wasn't the slightest interactive around people. I have a form of Asperger Syndrome, so alongside daydreaming, this apparently makes it tough for me to support myself. I had high hopes and expectations since I was a teenager that I would launch the nest soon, but I was wrong. I didn't even realize how hard it really is out there. Speaking of the which, I live with an aggressive and stern mother who thinks I can't do it. It's really
a nightmare, being in your 30's and never have the chance to experience independence. All due to a small thing nobody likes about you.

[Geobukseon]

@Silver Swan

I've been told that I might have Asperger's Syndrome, too.  It's not easy, especially when you find yourself in places and with people that you constantly feel bring you down.  I'm lucky that my family isn't like that (they're very supportive), but I know their patience (as well as mine) is running out.  I'm tired of the pity.  I'm tired of constantly questioning myself over the most basic tasks.  I know that some of you believe it's a small thing that no one likes, but I politely disagree.  It's the reason I was so hung up about the Navy; I finally got to the point where I could accept it as a part of myself and regulate it while doing my duty as part of a greater whole.  It was REALLY hard when that was torn away from me, but I want that feeling again.

I've been looking all over these forums and it's been bothering me how many of you say that you need to dispose of it, but I want to OVERCOME and CONQUER it.  I still have faith that I can.

[Silver Swan]

I feel as if just because I'm different and people look at me a certain way due to my syndrome, I'm not living a better life right now. I don't daydreams the way I used to anymore, in fact, I mainly think too much. However, if I make a brainless mistake or didn't hear what's been said, my mom is easily convinced I live on another planet, and so do countless other people. I feel without somebody's guidance, I'll have these barriers walling me in for quite a while. Sometimes, I feel as if this just isn't fair, but I forget that's the way life is when unrelated people can't be sure about you. I always saw myself as a person and respect that, but to others, it's like they think I'm not smart.

[Geobukseon]

They don't understand and it can be frustrating at times.  That's always difficult to deal with.  Honestly, I think they make you feel too negative about yourself and that's rather harsh.  We all know life is hard, but going after you for such small things is not right.  You try.  You're willing to take the chance and fail.  We all need encouragement and I don't think your getting it.

Silver Swan said:

I feel as if just because I'm different and people look at me a certain way due to my syndrome, I'm not living a better life right now. I don't daydreams the way I used to anymore, in fact, I mainly think too much. However, if I make a brainless mistake or didn't hear what's been said, my mom is easily convinced I live on another planet, and so do countless other people. I feel without somebody's guidance, I'll have these barriers walling me in for quite a while. Sometimes, I feel as if this just isn't fair, but I forget that's the way life is when unrelated people can't be sure about you. I always saw myself as a person and respect that, but to others, it's like they think I'm not smart.

[Silver Swan]

Thanks, I need a lot of encouragement right now. The sooner things change for me, the better off I am. I still think it's ridiculous that I look this way in my 30's. Why can't I look like everyone else? It's just so one-sided. I'm creative, intelligent, responsible and determined, yet a somebody won't let me off the hook. All due to my appearance and hearing, I can't afford an apartment. Hopefully, if my dad understands how I feel about everything, eventually someone else will too.

[Geobukseon]

@Silver Swan

...Well, we do the best we can here even if we're just behind a computer screen rather than face to face.  The people around you may dislike who you are for your condition, but that doesn't mean you should dislike yourself for it.  Self-loathing and self-pity are the most destructive forces out there.

Forgive yourself for what you are.  Count your blessings.  Don't let the toxicity around you seep in.

[Silver Swan]

Yes, I got help before. I've meditated and saw a healer, and watched self-help videos. So, I'm ok now. I actually am very good to myself and don't feel the toxicity.

[Silver Swan]

I actually do forgive what happened and what I am. I understand that not everyone is going to like me.