Do any of you have suicidal thoughts?

[Iffa]

Hello, 

I´ve had MD for as long as I can remember. I'm approaching 30 and my life is a mess, I still live with my parents and I have no job, also have a long story with eating disorders leading me to cope with depression and recently suicidal thoughts. 

Of course, my real life isn't even near to the amazing one I have created with my MD and it's getting hard to deal with the fact I´ll never be the person I've created with the help of this condition.

Are any of you in a similar situation?

[David Burkett]

What type of eating disorders? Do you anyone that you could share your feelings with? What can you do to bring your fantasies to life?

[Silver Swan]

What were your goals? What did you fantasize about doing? How did MDD prevent you from reaching those goals?

Is there anyway you can get a job? Did you go to College?

Don't feel suicidal. I used to feel down in the dumps in my 20's. When I turned 32, I pulled myself together and got confident again, in spite my life looks so crappy. Trick is, I stopped hurting over the past and looked forward to a brighter future no matter what life threw at me. Trust me, I did MDD nearly all of my life.

Another question. What kind of eating disorder do you have? That can really effect your mood swings and your train of thoughts in a bad way.

[Alison]

Hi! I'm 25, live with my parents, no relationship, started to be able to form friendships only a couple of years ago. The job is ok but lately it has too much pressure on me and it doesn't give me satisfaction. 

Yes, I have suicidal thoughts once in a while too - though I know i'll never do anything like that, because usually I end up scared as hell after such thoughts. Just realizing that I didn't fulfill my dreams or meet my expectations - it sucks hard. If you ever feel like speaking about dealing with failed expectations, I'm here :(

[Silver Swan]

I honestly think that were so distracted by our dreams, so it makes it harder for us to achieve our goals. We don't live in the real world, as we do in our heads, so it's hard to keep up with what's society out there entails is very realistic. We are in denial when people criticize our belief system and think we should always be with it and on the same grounds as them. Of course, we can dream up whatever we want, but it's just not the same in reality. If we want more successful lives in reality, unfortunately, we have to accept how the world actually looks and act practical on everything. For MDD'ers this just makes us want to groan and just get away from everything, by going back to our fantasies. It's perfectly understandable that these unexciting tactics are hard to do. We were born to be who we are — and ordinary people will never see it from our point of views.

I guess that I had a mood disorder, because I just didn't fit into the crowd. I was so exceptional and different. All of my school peers were in the NORM, which I totally wasn't. They did not practice maladaptive daydreaming as I did, and being somewhere else made me emote reactions to feelings, actions and people that only existed in my head. So, they found me very strange and freakish, deserting me at all costs. I never found a member of the opposite sex who could accept who I was, so I never got to experience having a real and steady relationship. I felt lonely, abandoned and rejected for years, so I used to feel very sad. I even used MDD to escape these harsh emotions that hurt me at times.

These days, I toughened up and realized there eventually will be somebody who will love me for all that I am. Wherever that person is, I am still waiting for him to arrive. So my point is, don't despair, everything bad will surprising turn good again, believe me it does. Life is full of ups and downs.

[dark thoughts]

i've had suicide fantasies as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't another form of my MDD. Despite spending most of my waking hours in whatever my current daydream is, and having near constant suicide thoughts, no one would guess it. I graduated nhigh school and college with honors, have a job, a house, a spouse, all those "normal"things. None of them have made me happy. I'm only content with my daydreams. I seriously would not care if everything disappeared tomorrow. Sometimes I wish I would have known 30 years ago what /i know now- I wouldn't have even tried to be "normal", I would have been quite content with a whatever job kept me in a hovel and some food, so I could maximize my day dream time. 

[victoria zaia]

I also have had many moments in MDD that spiral into suicidal thoughts. I find that when the "pillars" of my life are in place suicidal thoughts are far away and MDD is somewhat manageable.  Whenever one or more pillars start to fall I can more easily go into spirals and definitely see a rise in not wanting to live, wanting to disappear, stopping food consumption and so forth.

There is an immense amount of pressure to use mainstream pillars - job, living alone, relationship - but you must remember that YOU build your pillars, YOU decide what success means to you, and YOU live life at your own pace.

Perhaps the makers you mentioned are important to you, but is there a different way of looking at them?

Perhaps you are kind, and gentle, and bring joy to the world. Perhaps your friends and family are so thankful to have you in their lives. Perhaps you have hobbies and interests that are just as meaningful, if not more, than the standards you are holding yourself against. After all there are people who have what you seek and are miserable. 

So here is my advice... identify the pillars you need the most through mindfulness (or other techniques, like meditating, writing, talking to us or others). BE KIND TO YOURSELF and think of possible steps towards rebuilding each pillar. The road is hard, sometimes things cave when you try to build them back up! Trust that things will get better (MD, depression, etc) once your pillars are stronger because you will have more and more resources and support systems to rely on. Trust that your life is worth it! And build an extensive reminder system that you can pull out in times of extreme MD that remind you of that).

Sending you much love and peace. <3

[Iffa]

Thank you very much for your reply, 

I find that when the "pillars" of my life are in place suicidal thoughts are far away and MDD is somewhat manageable.  

This is exactly what i feel, sometimes my life it´s somewhat on track and i find it easier to look things on the bright side and even my daydreaming won't happen daily.

I have strong friendships and a close relationship with my family and so many things in my life to be grateful for, but again, it is so far away from the world I´ve created with MD. 

Again, thanks a lot for taking the time to reply, you had made me think that I should try to reconsider the pillars I live by. 

Sending love back!

[Iffa]

Thank you for your reply, Alison! I'm here as well if you feel like talking x

Alison said:

Hi! I'm 25, live with my parents, no relationship, started to be able to form friendships only a couple of years ago. The job is ok but lately it has too much pressure on me and it doesn't give me satisfaction. 

Yes, I have suicidal thoughts once in a while too - though I know i'll never do anything like that, because usually I end up scared as hell after such thoughts. Just realizing that I didn't fulfill my dreams or meet my expectations - it sucks hard. If you ever feel like speaking about dealing with failed expectations, I'm here :(