Daydreaming about a actor all day

[Judy]

I'm suffering from maladaptive daydreaming. I cannot remember when it first started in my life. If I guess it right, it is probably in my early teenage years. It feels like it got worse over time, more and more frequently, as the years go by. 

I'm in my thirties and I'm married. I daydream about actors. I always daydream about one actor at a time, over several years, all day, and switch for another one, when I don't feel anything about that actor.

I daydream even when my husband is around. Sometimes, I failed to listen to my husband. It happens often and he gets mad at me. He thinks  I'm not interested about what he has to say. I told him I had a lack of concentration. He knows which actors I have a crush on, but doesn't know I think about them 24h a day, 7 days a week. He doesn't know I dont take care about myself, don't clean the place and exercice because I watch videos, read about actors I'm obessed with, when he's gone. If he would, he wouldn't be with me.

If I would stop daydreaming about the actor I really  like right now, it would feel like I'm breaking up with someone. I would become bored and possibly depressed, because that excitement of being with him would be gone. I would be in the present, at my job, and be bored because I really don't like to work. 

I am, at least, not obsessed to the point of trying to contact them, meet them in an inappropriate manner. I'm not mad or strongly jealous about them having someone in their life. Quite the opposite, I'm happy for them. I'm not in love with them, but I surely like them very much. 

Basically, it is ruining my life and if I stopped I might become depressed.

Judy

[Briona]

Hi Judy,

I'm not married but I totally understand what you're talking about, I can daydream about an actor or singer for weeks or months and then switch to the next one that I like. It can even be someone I know of in real life, then I move on. I haven't allowed myself to dot his in a while, but I know how fun it is, and how drawn I am to it. The problem with me it stops me from actually getting into real relationships, because I almost prefer the daydream/fantasy relationship because I can control it. 

[Judy]

Thanks for answering. Did you have bad relationships in the past that make you prefer daydreaming instead?

[Briona]

I did have some bad relationships, but I don't think it originated from that, I think it's just one part of the MDD. I like the control of daydreaming, and therefore it makes it feel better than anything else in reality, so that's why I prefer it. It feel better than any real relationship could, because I make it by controlling everything.

[Judy]

You said earlier that you didn't daydream for a while. Was it hard to stop or you are able to control it so you don't do it too often, in an obsessive way?

[Briona]

I just meant that I don't let myself daydream about boyfriends anymore. It 's been somewhat easy for me to stop because I know that the gateway for me to get there is mainly through a certain type of music, so I don't listen to that kind of music alone anymore. I basically try to not seek it out, if that makes sense, and if I see a celebrity that I like I just keep telling myself that it's not real, where before I would willingly set it up by turning on the music and knowing what I'm about to do.  I still daydream about other things though.

[Heloísa]

I completely understand, because I am that way too.
it's crazy

[Finrod Felagund]

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

[Judy]

Have you done it for a long time? Have you find a way to control it?

Heloísa said:

I completely understand, because I am that way too.
it's crazy

[Judy]

I feel ashamed because I'm still daydreaming about guys even at my age. I thought I would have get over it when I would have met someone, but I didn't. I'm tired of living a double life like you, as you mentioned it. I think, in your case, not having a great relationship with your wife and having a sick child, you are normal. It helps get through your day. If you would find a way to have a better relationship with your wife, maybe you would stop DD. 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, since you have a good reason to do so. Me, my relationship is not perfect, but not to the point of DD. So, I feel like I'm a bad wife, because I think about an actor all day. If my husband would do that, I would think that he doesn't love me. I feel sick that I desire another man, so much, that I wish I  would know the feeling to be really with him. It almost like I'm cheating, but I'm not.

Finrod Felagund said:

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

[Flydog102]

Wow judy!

Your post describes me exactly. I feel you, lady. The only difference is i paid the money to meet my actor/obsession and it made my day dreams even worse (or better? Lol) it was amazing for me and i do all of the things that you do. Can you imagine meeting the center of your world/obsession/daydreams?? My mind was blown. Things became even more vivid for me after that.

But im sure its harder for you, as you are married and have a real job.you have to interact with your husband and people at work. I can pretty much day dream all day without consequence becaaus i live alone and for the first time ever, im single. The actor and my day dreams really helped me cope after moving out of my exes house and into my first house alone. It really became a hardcore coping mechanism after the shock of moving into a place all alone.

Ive always day dreamed but its a constant thing now. Im an artist and a performer so i dont have a regular job and have loads of time to immerse myself in my day dreams. Im so sorry to hear that your dreams have taken over your life. Maybe this is pathetic, maybe not, but im single for the first time in 14 yrs and the day dreams keep me sane and make me realize how much i appreciate living alone and having all this time to myself.

I too, would fall into a deep depression if i didnt have my fantasy world to keep me distracted from depression and negative thoughts.

[Candi Alexanderia]

Im the exact same way. I try to make myself feel better by asking about his celebrity crush which was Selena and I tell him about mine whom I dream of and when I feel guilty I joke about his crush in a cute way then he smiles or laughs. I do feel guilty though

[David Burkett]

It appears that the guys with this disorder fantasize about men and the women also fantasize about men, but for different reasons. For example, the man I fantasize after is Tupac Shakur for role model reasons and personality traits that I desire. A woman might fantasize after him for romantic desires on top of my desires after him.