Has anybody never been in a real relationship?

[Silver Swan]

It's strange. I spent 32 years waiting for a relationship that never appeared. I'm not sure if a significant sum of people didn't find me attractive. Perhaps, my daily living habits were bad and unhealthy that they wouldn't help me deem a new partner. I remember many exclaiming directly at me to "smile." I do recall many of them thought I was an "idiot" and believed I lived on another planet. I wasn't very good at communicating and I hardly ever payed attention to anything happening all around me. So many of them retorted that I wasn't listening and often complained that I was so damn quiet. Overall, I remember a countless amount who found me totally weird. Often, they wondered where my head is most of the time.

I used my MDD to get away from myself in a way. If I watched a person who was attractive, outspoken and likeable, then I'd imagine that I was that person. I'd hang on to this fantasy life for days, weeks and even months at a time, until I was finally faced with a "wake up call" that I'm definitely not that person. I would reflect on how other people realistically described me, why I was "not it", so I'd feel very disillusioned.

I'd look at other people successful in relationships, and I'd feel jealous, because they actually can attract people and actually know what they're doing—they didn't have to fantasize to get it. It all just comes easy.

[Silver Swan]

It is mostly that I was very quiet around people. Most people I've met were socially outgoing, extrovert and very verbal. I've always had trouble connecting with other people on any level. Since I have autism, I always had trouble reading out exactly what people wanted from me on an emotional level, such as 'talking, smiling and exaggerating.' So they'd snicker and go off to people who can actually interact with them very well. I was a very pretty girl, but that just didn't cut it. People still found me socially weird and out of place. I just could not attract them standing there looking dead pan, with a mouth all shut-up and not moving. So, not realizing this until I was fully grown, I realized how badly I lost in the dating game, all because I failed to understand how people feel about my display of unsocial behavior.

Theaxe said:

I have always had the firm belief that "there is someone for everyone" out there. And just when you least expect it, you meet someone. Sometimes it might not happen as soon as you'd like it to, but love has no expiration date.

In my situation, I was an attractive teen and young adult. It was puzzling to many who knew me why I wasn't dating. My first long term relationship was when I was 16 with a guy who was 23. I know, it sounds strange. But I was extremely mature looking for my age, and mature-minded. Whereas he was more teen-aged minded. When he broke my heart after nearly two years it destroyed me. I was so fearful of dating and feeling that same hurt, inexperienced to realize that that was just a part of how relationships go.

But for most of my twenties and thirties, I had failed relationships and to be honest, didn't really want to be in them anyway. The guys I attracted just figured I was an easy kick-toy for a while.

The men I did like, the extremely attractive and charismatic ones...I couldn't win over. In all my ego, being a pretty young woman I figured I should just be able to get whoever I wanted. When I couldn't win over some men, I felt deflated.  When I did manage to win a guy over who I thought was awesome, I was too late...I snagged a loser in other ways that I couldn't first see.

I spent most of my twenties and thirties in bed. Day-dreaming.

When I neared my forties. I thought how strange it was that people I knew who were not-so-great looking, and/or who had personality flaws were managing to get in to relationships and stay there, some even getting married. Mind you, their choices were also not my taste, but nonetheless, they were finding love and I wasn't.

It was a brutal feeling to think that I was such an oddity, not finding a decent person or relationship. I was the last of my brother and all my cousins to ever get married. Some were even on their second marriages. I hadn't even had my first. My friends had long since found happiness. Only the people I was friends with who were single were quite bitter about it, yet tried to make me think that they were simply "against relationships". Ha. Yeah right. They were the only ones out of my friends who were so bitter. I wasn't bitter, because in my mind I still had my imaginary boyfriend and a great life. I just felt sad that I wasn't dating. I made it clear to friends that I hoped to meet someone.

When I joined Facebook in 2007, suddenly all my highschool friends were finding each other and accepting friend requests from this way and that way. I can't even tell you how many guys who were boys I once knew confessing to me in private messages that they had these secret crushes on me, but were too terrified to ask me out. They feared rejection so badly that they didn't even try. Some of them I would have gladly chosen. 

I guess what I'm saying is, that as a person living with MD, I tend to feel as though the world revolves around me. It must be me when it comes to something going wrong AND something going right. So when I didn't date and couldn't figure out why, I blamed things about me that were wrong, when in the end, there are reasons from the other person too. When I was adored by someone, my inner rock star just figured it was normal and expected.

But mostly, my MD kept me happy to be locked in my apartment with no social life because I had all the social life I wanted in my mind. It's just physically I knew this wasn't so and recognized that I was different and not living my life in a healthy way, but mentally it stimulated me just like a real social life/relationships would.

I ended up meeting the man I'd marry when I was in my late thirties. I never thought I would meet anyone, but it happened, and it happened when I least expected it to.

I was 32 and felt the same things you did at 32 also. I thought that I was well past my prime and should have had it in the bag by then. I think people with MD don't follow the norm of social expectations. We quickly find others fascinating, and sometimes choose someone to add to our daydream, yet we are terrified to get close.

[Fishno7]

Actually, I find fantasizing social behaviors won't help to cope with daily interactions. I don't imagine the interactions, but I do something similar: In HK, there are speaking exams at high schools, where we form groups and discuss a social/ethical issue within a time limit. I often MD hard beforehand and afterwards with very good arguments popping up, but these arguments and points never pop up during the exams, which is the time I actually needed.

Speaking of disorder, I must also admit that I knew nothing about it either; what in common for me is that I am already having thoughts of "never being married" at the age of 20. It is more of a self-issue rather than a communication issue, because I now have, and probably will have zero intention to seek for a relationship at least in the near future. I might be considered too young to judge how it will go on though, let alone to judge how your attempt on relationship goes. However, I understand the feeling of lacking someone to be in love with, and it can be truly frustrating.

P.S Theaxe assumed OP were 32 in the comment, based on OP said "32 years waiting for a relationship...". I wonder is this assumption correct, you certainly wouldn't seek for relationship started from age zero would you? Your age might be considered as your own little secret though, so no need to give exact number xD.

[Silver Swan]

Actually, no, but I should. Thanks.

Theaxe said:

I'm not sure that is MD-related though. I know that speaking about other disorders are welcome on this site, but I'm sorry, I just have no experience with autism and I don't know anyone with autism who is close to me in order to make sense of how you can get help for that or how to cope. Hence why when I responded, I felt that my closed-off traits were because I simply chose to be in my own dream world instead of having real relationships. Not that I couldn't, I just chose not to.

Are you also on Autism online-forums to talk about your specific autism-related experiences?

[Silver Swan]

I haven't waited from age zero, that's impossible. Apologies, I kind of exaggerated. What I should have said is possibly between ages 20 to 32. You've got a point, disorders are totally different from MDD. I just happen to have both cases, which combined together, causes me many problems. I never thought of Autistic forums online, but thanks for the advice.

To be honest, I wouldn't have strongly made an assumption that I'll never have a relationship, or I'll never marry. It is like promising yourself that you'll always stay being lonely and it won't ever effect you over time. I couldn't have promised myself anything of the sort. Being lonely over a duration of time is very difficult, heartening and frustrating, but also, it greatly effects your health and well being. I think we are all meant to be with someone at some point, especially if we need it. I spent my entire childhood and youth struggling to make a friend, and adulthood is certainly hard enough. So my point is, "Never say never."

Fishno7 said:

Actually, I find fantasizing social behaviors won't help to cope with daily interactions. I don't imagine the interactions, but I do something similar: In HK, there are speaking exams at high schools, where we form groups and discuss a social/ethical issue within a time limit. I often MD hard beforehand and afterwards with very good arguments popping up, but these arguments and points never pop up during the exams, which is the time I actually needed.

Speaking of disorder, I must also admit that I knew nothing about it either; what in common for me is that I am already having thoughts of "never being married" at the age of 20. It is more of a self-issue rather than a communication issue, because I now have, and probably will have zero intention to seek for a relationship at least in the near future. I might be considered too young to judge how it will go on though, let alone to judge how your attempt on relationship goes. However, I understand the feeling of lacking someone to be in love with, and it can be truly frustrating.

P.S Theaxe assumed OP were 32 in the comment, based on OP said "32 years waiting for a relationship...". I wonder is this assumption correct, you certainly wouldn't seek for relationship started from age zero would you? Your age might be considered as your own little secret though, so no need to give exact number xD.

[Fishno7]

"Never say never" is a spirit. It is not wrong, and probably a spirit that most singles should have in their mind, is just that the situation is far from ideal for me to view it like this. The situation caused me to have thoughts of being "alone forever", but I haven't taken the thought completely as my spirit(...yet). The future is unpredictable, so who knows what might happen?

While I agree with the spirit, I never view the fact that having the assumption of never having relationship equals to promising myself always stay lonely; rather, I would say that I want to be truthful to my feelings instead of exaggerating that the future is definitely hopeful by insisting that there is no "never". This means, the "all meant to be with someone" thingy sometimes feels like a lie, and I don't want to lie to myself. You might call me a pessimist, but with me exaggerating my imaginations in my MDs already, I would want to be honest to myself at least with my feelings, which is full of issues and consists plenty negative thoughts itself.

[Silver Swan]

My spirit is just an opinion for most singles. I do agree with your view of being truthful with your feelings too. Breaking it to myself that I'll hopefully find someone has been dodgy over the past years. I was not truthful with my feelings at all.
So eventually, I got really shocked at the nonsense I used to believe in and MDD about. I actually felt so confident and smug that these things were going to happen with me. I didn't "test the waters," didn't experiment with people and I didn't do my research.

I do remember many people didn't not want to go out with me nor connect with me. My appearances and behavioral patterns sort of dissuaded their interest to get to know me. I didn't even realize how uncomfortable and uneasy I was making them feel. I strongly remember that so many people complained about the same issue countless times, "Your so quiet." They'd often brought up the same question, "Are you smart?" Even moreso, they often wondered what was so funny, as they constantly caught me laughing for nothing at ceilings, floors and walls—well at my day dreams. They found me quite an interesting, aberrant and odd kid.