My story

[David Vartan]

I’ve been struggling with it since I was a teenager. I’m 50 now!

Initially I use to do it when I was even 8 or 9, dreaming of something horrible happening to me and crying my head out to sleep.  Then in my mid to late teen years I realize that I was gay, so I started fantasizing about being an incredible beautiful and famous woman, molded after my favorite singer.  I would trace her life, decide how it will go, to the details: the success, the drama in her life, the songs she makes, the movies she stars in.  She has a tormented personal life and has gone through tremendous hardship (it’s a way to earn people compassion).  But I would always give her (or myself) the best of everything.  And whenever I hear of any achievement by any star, I would conjure my alternate ego, just to see myself always at the top, of everything.  This has been going on through different periods of my life.  The personality has changed into another one now, still a great femme fatale, but in essence it is still the same story.

It makes feel so childish sometimes for such idealistic idiotic dreams.  And it makes me feel so stupid for wasting time on a fantasy, while reality is passing by. 

Can anyone relate?

[Santhi]

What about ur personal relations? Do u still dd? Ur professional relations?

[Marlies]

Some people would consider MDD a coping style. To me it sounds that it's been like this to you as well, and has become a habit. I think this happens to many people. You miss something essential in your life (acceptance, love, acknowledgement) so you create it for yourself in your daydreams, either by raising yourself to the top as in this case, or by creating (a) character(s) who love(s) you. And as it is something that is done on a regular basis, it becomes a habit. I would say this is a perfectly normal thing, within the world of MDD. I like to compare MDD to biting your nails (did that on this forum yesterday as well), because people bite their nails when they're tense, and can do it without noticing they're about to, or even doing it. Except biting your nails is generally more accepted; imagining horrible or great things happening to you, and enjoying this, or in my case, creating characters and making them love me - it's kind of weird to people who haven't heard of it before. It's why many people usually don't tell others, either. My family knows nothing. And I refuse to talk to a professional for the fear of being judged and diagnoses being thrown like stones. 

As a fellow MDD who thinks of MDD like this, I'd tell you not to feel childish, as you were a child when it started and you needed it (referring to the coping style thing). I'd also tell you not to feel stupid, since I think MDD is a portrayal of great creativity, whereas there's other people going out every weekend to get drunk and do things they will regret. We just somehow need to get rid of the taboo, but honestly, does anyone even dare? 

P.S. I should really learn to write shorter! I'm a person of many words but I feel like I'm clogging the forum, haha. 

[David Vartan]

My professional life is perfect; I have achieved a lot.  Not so much my personal life.  As I indicated, I'm gay, ... and still closeted.  I think this lack of fulfilled personal life is feeding it, but is not the cause.

Marlies, thanks for your analysis!

I do fear it when it gets stronger and feels like the default way for dealing with personal problems.

I've never told anyone about it :)

Thank you both for your feedback!