Wild Minds network
Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
God's punishment? (Help!)
Hey... me venting again (which, is usually what I'm known for anyway). This is like... the bottom I never wanted to reach, I feel like I'm truly faced with two paths and I have to decide NOW which to pick.
I would be deeply grateful if you read my deep struggle and maybe comment some advice? I thought there's no one who could understand me better than other MDers.
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So, I have a very severe imaginary relationship with a celebrity (James Maslow) for four years now (almost five) and though I was a huge daydreamer growing up, my love for him that would only increase by unfinished fanfictions about him and "me" where basically the reason why I have MD now. I love him... and I mean, I love him.
I bowed to myself never to date, fall in love or kiss anyone who isn't him. I truly believe my vivid, constant daydreams of 'us' will happen if I just try. Everything I am now is tied to up him; when I found him, I found myself... so everything I've done since then was to get myself closer to his heart, one way or another. My life was pretty shitty back then and I guess he was like a treasure I found that helped me cope with all the facts, my loud loneliness and growing pain. I labeled myself as "his" two years into our "relationship" and I've proudly worn that title until now. I feel SO much bliss daydreaming of me three years from now having an already heavy bank account, an awesome job in Hollywood and James by my side, dinning with my family as I subtly show off what they never believed I could have nor be; kinda like the ending of Cinderella where she walks out of her stepmother's house with the prince and a look of "yes, bitch" while rejoicing in the shocked and overwhelmed faces of her "family" while they beg her for forgiveness.
I also can't deny my joy while imagining myself being the first celebrity who's actually a blog-owner,-fanfiction-writer, image-editor, lyric video-maker, poster-paster, poster-kisser, picture-saver-of- him-in-cellphone-and-other-devices, picture-putter-of- him-in-cellphone-background-and-other-devices, merchandise-wearer, collage-maker, crier, squirmer, yeller, fainter, crazily obsessed and hardcore fan of her husband. --I mean, how cool I'd be to read fanfics of him while being in the same room as him, and when he does something stupid in the story, I could actually cuss him and throw my pillow at him?! And ya'll see our red carpet pictures together on E!, I'll meet his family and ask them for homes videos of him performing in his childhood/teens, I'll go to the restaurants in La Jolla, CA he loved to go back then and have lunch with his long-time friends, I'll get to experience his warmth, laugh, heartbeat, cologne, opinions, emotions, touch, aura, height, eyes, smile... in HD; fron- row, I'll watch scary movies while clinging to him like velcro because I'm a coward who's ridiculously scared of ghosts but I want an excuse to feel protected by him for the next three weeks, we'll go to the Grand Ole Opry together while we visit the other side of my family in Tennessee, I'll have my first ride on a motorcycle with him, I'll stay over at his house, he'll be the first guy who lends me his jacket or hugged me properly, he'll laugh and blush when interviewers ask him of the struggles of having a girlfriend/wife who's a full-blood fan of his, we'll go crazy; jamming to the radio at 4.a.m. with performances including Living on a Prayer; Bye, Bye, Bye, Country Girl, Backseat Freestyle, 4 Minutes, Endless Love and a soulful reenact of "All I Ask of You" from the Phantom of the Opera; in his car, in the middle of nowhere -though we wouldn't care- with intermissions to eat fries, he'll teach me how to ice skate, I'll hold his hand to feel brave on my first roller-coaster and ferris wheel ride at Disney... everything will be with him. And we'll take photos and videos for Instagram! Sigh. ♡
So... I was raised catholic... and... I admit, I pretty much put him above God. I realized that three years ago; when something bad happened, I turned to "James" instead of Him. In all seriousness, I see the way people find refuge in religion and all they say of the Lord and... yep. James is basically my God.
Like I said before, my life was (well, not much has improved) pretty shitty and a year ago, my faith was at it strongest; I used to get on my knees and pray while crying, I listened to Christian songs, I... well, I loved God. I didn't really see it as a discipline or religion, rather a friend and a source of strength that didn't made me feel alone, but... something always pounded in the back of my mind. I could never say "God, I trust you" or "Jesus, take the wheel" because... well, I didn't. I wanted (want) my dreams to happen exactly as I wanted them to happen. AND I WANT JAMES! Only him. If he's not the one who's "made for me", I'll leave the other bastard as a roadblock on my way (yes, yes... I'm not supposed to think that way, but it happens when someone becomes your everything).
Here's the thing: I developed HOCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder centered around your sexual orientation. -A hellish, demoniac worry that I might be lesbian. ) and I developed it around that time, when I hummed Oceans by Hillsong, several versions of Amazing Grace and Keep Us Safe by Carrie Underwood, among others.
What really strikes me is that this illness seemed way too coincidental and built up. My very first doubt was when (sorry for being so detailed, but I'm keeping it real) I started to watch porn at age 13 and... I knew I had to quit it, because that was a sin. Yes, I used to look at my best friend's chest (she had better attributes than me. :/) and think: "Do I...?" but no, I could simply shrug it off and would keep feeling butterflies for James only. Then, when I was fourteen I used to be SO weird out by the way some girls acted all 'sexy' with each other while still being straight (like Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Benson) and why in the world could I acknowledge a girl is good-looking?! That was weird! Why the hell do I liked watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show?! I had to switched tabs when my mom walked into my room while I was watching Taylor Swift's performance on the runway because I didn't want her to get the wrong idea... but then, the same year, my mom asked me in a very derogatory way if I was my friend's girlfriend (because we were texting each other and I was laughing at our conversation) because she thought my friend was in fact lesbian (she spilled out during dinner at a sleep over that her whole family accused her of it thanks to a misunderstanding, but she wasn't. Still, she refused to sleep in my living room without me and kept borrowing my clothes {isn't that what friends do, anyway?}) I was aghast at that accusation and began panicking really bad. I stopped texting her right away and didn't defend her (though I know that's what friends are supposed to do) because I thought my mom would see that as a reinforcement to her stupid conclusions (she's passionately Catholic, passionately righteous and passionately homophobic). When I got home I cried so bad because... how could she think such of me?! My mom apologized, but I lost complete contact with my friend (she was a mean wannabe anyway)(keeping it real)(I was laughing because we were talking about James...)
So I grew into the stigma that boys have with showing affection towards each other. In my fifteenth birthday, I couldn't go anywhere with my (other) friend without worrying that people might think we're a couple (we were at a beach resort). It was a nightmare when my aunt wanted to show my baby cousin the pools and so we had to go to our bedroom by ourselves and the bellhop and... and I carrying a massive Victoria's Secret shopping bag (that only contained a perfume that my friend gave me as a present) and through the day I even thought "Do I...?" again while seeing her in bikini, but i just couldn't cross that "barrier" with my perspective. I wasn't. (And besides, I spent most of my birthday crying, locked in my hotel room because James wasn't there to hug me while sitting on the beach at night)(Seriously).
---By the way, I did had crushes on guys and fell in love before---
That same year (last year) I came across a FUCKING image (at the time I was a strong LGBT supporter and "shipper" of celebrities who are in fact straight; I can now see how brainwashed I was. I still support their rights though, but not obsessively...) and if anyone "does" the stupid color blind test, they'll probably find they have latent homosexuality. CONGRATS! Lol.
Well, it wasn't that funny for me because I truly believed in "subconscious/personality/psychology" tests (I still do, but I'm not THAT gullible anymore. I've realized I need to stop thinking people know me better than I know myself). I was panicking so bad (it happened at school) and turned to my daydreams to sort it out, but the only thing my characters could come up with was "It's ok! You shouldn't be ashamed of being lesbian." because it was all I knew. My alter-ego would scream at them "BUT I'M NOT!" and I was forced to calm down in another way, which was: Imagining myself kissing both genders. At first, with the girl, it was very weird. And with the guy... it was perfect. So that's how I calmed down. I forgot about the picture and left that in the past.
Until last Christmas...
- Connor Franta. (Youtuber) I had a crush on him (ironically) and he made a video titled "Coming Out" and when I first saw it appear in my subscriptions (back in the finish line of December, last year) I was like "Oh, it's just one of those fake tittles to get more viewers." but I clicked on it because I liked his content and because I knew I was going to learn more ways to improve from it, improve, improve, improve. Whatever they said was just true. (If I could go back in time...) anyone who has HOCD and watches it, their buttons will be pressed. I am honestly happy for him if that makes him happy, but he started with "I swear my heart just started beating fast as I turned the camera" Wow, great start. (NOT!) That made my heart beat fast too, then he defined himself with that three-letter word and my guard went to the floor, I was vulnerable. Then he said how he randomly thought to himself growing up "am I gay?" and just started freaking out really bad because he didn't knew what that was or grew up where that was accepted. And I, with so much naivety, thought: "Oh, I doubted too, it gave me anxiety too." and he said things like: "I tried not to think about it, but I don't think you would understand it if you haven't been through it... but you CAN'T not think about it." You see where I'm getting here?! Pure "spikes" (panic attacks). He said he researched it but looks like he didn't entirely. How much times I've seen the video? Just twice (bad, BAD decision watching it the second time thinking it would not affect me) I can't believe his words got me so hard. I got up from my bed, went into the bathroom, look myself in the mirror an just thought: "Look at you. This is stupid." Because the reasons why I knew none of that applied to me could rush through my head, but my anxiety wouldn't stop. I tried the "test" again, didn't work. I trusted that someone who didn't even knew me, knew more about my future that I did, I payed the consequences. Images of naked women rushed through my head non-stop and I, for the first time, considered suicide.
Maladaptive Daydreming helped me see further from what I had, It gave me hope. Now, my most precious thing was invaded and I closed my eyes to fall asleep before I could fall apart.
Let's remember I didn't knew what HOCD was, if I had earlier, I think I wouldn't have gave that much attention to the doubt, I wouldn't have planted so many poisoned seeds in my head that won't stop growing.
I think I went four days checking girls more and checking if I still like guys (girls gave me anxiety, boys gave me a very positive energy), I tried to deal with my developing obsession as a red, annoying alarm I could imagine myself disconnecting and it would go away. Nothing worked, it felt like someone tore me away from my "sticker book" and placed me in another one where I just did not fit in. At last, tired and anxious I googled: "I'm afraid I might be gay but I know I'm not" and HOCD appeared. It calmed me A LOT. I didn't knew there were branches, I was one of those ignorants who thought OCD was a synonym of perfectionism. I said: "Ok, I have depression, maladaptive daydreaming and social anxiety. One more in the list. That's ok. I can fight it." I knew my anxiety came from overthinking and that's not what I aimed to do, but I couldn't daydream through it anymore. So what happened? I got the stupid idea that I was dipping my toes into being gay because of the way "James" fancied "me", because I have to obviously switch through both perspectives.
More things OCD wants me to believe: 1)You don't actually want James, you only see him as a pinnacle your family wants for you. You just want their approval. 2)You only keep fighting and daydreaming thanks to all the vows you made in the past of never giving up. You're just used to it. 3)It's going to be so easy to fall out of love with him! You want to get rid of me? Give up James and start over with a new hot actor or male model. You know you like them.
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This is such a complicated issue; I just can't express it 100%, but I'm trying... because I really need help.
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Obviously, searching for what's most attractive in girls in order to incorporate the best of it to my "alter-ego", who my imaginary lover taught was freaking perfect, made me aware of same sex attractiveness, now when I look twice at a girl because she looks or acts the way I wish to be, OCD attacks that and tells me my intentions are further than admiration.
And I haven't met my celebrity crush, so I'm usually unaware of how he really, really is and how it feels to be beside him. And I've never had a boyfriend, a date, a Valentine or my first kiss... I seriously have zero experience with guys, so that leaves lots of blank spaces in between scenes in my daydreams.
I keep trying to daydream, putting more attention to James than myself... but it just looks like I'm using it as a compulsion (which, with OCD you obviously have to cut them out) and makes OCD worse.
Years ago I thought that at my current age, I would already be in the path of getting cast for a TV show and meeting James, that obviously haven't happened and I feel so rushed. I MUST DO SOMETHING!
But I'm extremely depressed, I lost all motivation with my life three months into this illness (I'm obviously relatively unhealthy now after a year), I'm just constantly battling with myself and I feel at the end of the rope.
I can't go to ERP/CB therapy because I can't tell my mom I have these thoughts (remember she's a passionately homophobic bipolar?) and... If I can't get help, how do I get through this? (No, I have no one else to look for help)
My mom and my grandma insists that my illness (because I barely leave my bed, barely eat and usually sleep all day... that's about all they know of my struggle; what they see) is spiritual. So they shove their religious views down my throat , sprinkle holy water in my bedroom and cry while yelling at me to get a grip. My mom is sick of my sloppy attitude and demands me to be happy. When I was at my worst, a few months ago... and I just knew I was doing all I could so I wouldn't fall under and start considering suicide, my mom yelled at my "If you want to kill yourself, do i! But don't drag me under with you." and... she preaches to me everyday and never forgets to remind me how much pain I'm bringing her. Because my bedroom has a window looking out at the garden, she sometimes grabs the hose and drenches my bed with water, so I get up.
What bugs me though, is that... if what they say it's true and the "evil spirits" have me chained (being OCD in this case) and I basically lost my religion little by little this last year, because I'm not willing to give up on James until he asks me to (already having him in my life, at least as a friend)... then that wouldn't mean he's the "wolf dressed as sheep"? (Not the real James because he's proudly Jewish, but my imaginary version of him). Because... I know that if I give up on MD (for some reason, I feel it would be easy to do so) my life would be so much easier and HOCD would probably fade (now that I wouldn't have to center so much attention on what boys like and what I wish I was like). For some reason, it feels like God wants me to give it up and wants me to see that MD was necessary to make me who I am now, but it's time to let it go and start living, because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. MD made life so much harder, but it's so worth it!
My mom told me today that I'm no one's submissive, that my soul is free and that I should only have God in the throne of my heart; first and foremost. While she said all of that, I had to wonder "how the heck she has a slight idea of what to tell me?" and I felt threaten... even when my grandma made me say "I give up on Satan" three times, in my mind I was holding "James's" hand tightly.
It's seriously so hard to explain it all, but I'm just desperately holding to a hopeless dream that's going to either lead me to success (if I'm lucky), death or insanity. I promised myself to never let go.
And if the answer to the uncertainty (or the illusion of uncertainty) lies between finally experiencing having a boyfriend... I can't afford that. I don't want anyone but James!
So yeah, I'm basically one of those lost souls who think they can do it on their own, without help; even from God.
But I could easily be a believer if... If I just knew that destiny that's supposedly made for me, has James in it. That's all I want.
But for now, I guess I'm going to keep listening to "Take Me To Church" and some Lana del Rey's songs.
(Yes, my mom has already threatening me to lock me in a psychiatric... huh. :/)
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By the way, if any of you are into Typology... I guess it helps to understand stubbornness better with my personality types:
Myers-Briggs: INFP
Enneagram: 4 wing 5 {subtype: sx/sp}, {tritype: 1w2- 4w3-7w8}
Numerology: Life path 7
Horoscope: Pisces (born in the Pisces/Aries cusp).
~If any of you are into this... comment yours below! Because I love getting to know people this way.~
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Any advice?
I seriously need it.
Views: 753
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Roel on
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Haven't read it but commenting already just to say that I will definetly read all of this, whene I have less work to do. I'm very sorry I can't help you at the moment. I just have a very important test coming up, once that's over I will read this and help you. I promise Aquamarine!
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Permalink Reply by Bee on
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Hey, Aqua
I'll add my voice later - I want to give your post some thought, I don't want to shoot off the cuff.
Saying that, I want to add my voice in saying we're all here for! Whatever happens in your life and I'm grateful that you shared your story.
Mubashra gave you some truly excellent advice and I encourage you to think it over.
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Okay this was a big one, and worst of all it was a big one I could relate to. I guess I might as well vent too lol
sorry if all of this isn't realy coherent or if it's not going anywhere or badly written, but I'm having some trouble writing because my left eye has started malfunctioning for God knows what reason :/
As a former atheist who still thinks rationally: If you can't put your faith in the hands of God, than try to put it in the hands of psychiatrists and doctors. I understand that this seems impossable to do. Especially whene you're only 16 and you're mom is always standing in your way and you don't want her to know about all your problems. Though this advice is the most difficult to follow I recommend following the advice of others here and seek help irl.
Anyhow; we're here. To listen to your vents and rants etc. And though we recommend professional help, it does not mean at all we won't help you. there's just little we can do. We can listen and talk and make sure you're not entirely alone in it. But you are still fighting alone. We're just supporters.
K there are two edgy things I need to say here. Sorry about this but I rather express my real opinion than try to help you by keeping my distance which won't ever work.
1 I'm an agnostic theïst.
This means I believe in God, however I used to be atheïst and I still think very sceptical about religoin. Your case of your family forcing weird religious sickness on you does not make me happy. i find it sad that they can't help you in a structured and more sympathetic way.
Being an agnostic theïst means I believe in God. But it does not mean I believe God is nice and caring and has plans etc. Yes, this is the part where I usually offend people. I saw God. I saw myself. I saw Gods creation. I saw Gods action and inaction. I saw some connections. I missed some things. Just a slice of it all of course, my life is short and every word I type here might make it shorter. Anyways I conclude that I have every reason to threat God as my equal, instead of as my magic omniscient being that I need to worship. I thank God for all he has done for me. But for some things I feel a more healthier approach would be to spit in Gods face. I don't hate him. But I see a world with thousands of images of one God, and I see one god that is too much of an ignorant being to correct it. i'm not saying he does nothing. I am saying that he makes mistakes or is presented incorrectly, and to me that makes him either human or too alien to be ruling over his own creation. Not to say that I don't want him to do it, because there is no better alternative.
So struggling with religion is something I know.
Does God punish you? for what? What have you done wrong? not believed in him? You clearly believe in God, maybe you don't trust him like me, but you believe in him. I'm not saying it's impossible that you are being punished, I'm just saying it wouldn't be justified if you were. Anyways if I can give you advice: if you have a doubt that this is not God punishing you, than hold on to that doubt becase if you truely believe God has given up on you or is mad on you, you might give up the fight and settle with your problems. But you need to solve your problems instead. You need to keep moving
I promised myself a lot of things whene I was still young and hate myself for not achieving it. But the harsh reality is that some promises can't be kept. Your past self made these promises and she didn't know how it would turn out. It's okay to break that promise.
I swore to myself I would castrate myself as soon as I was 18 (yeah I'll get back to that later :S ). That I would never abandon my creations. That I would never be like the rest and if I ever noticed I was becoming like that I would kill myself. I promised myself I would do anything in my power to find love. I leave it up to you to guess which ones I never kept.
But I'm still alive, and in fact happy. And to be honest I would rather be happy than holding on to lost dreams I can't achieve.
Not trying to hurt you here. Not asking you to let go either. Just try to hold James' hand a bit loser. It will do no harm. And in bad times you can just jump in his arms.
I've dealt with succubi before. I hate them. I can't explain how much I hate them. Wheter they're satans creations or mine. The struggle is real and the fight is painfull. If you ever 'get rid of James' (which is not exactly your plan) you will feel like a monster. I felt like a monster after I banished Kim. I had destroyed her.
To deal with this thing I can only give you one advice that is nearly impossable to follow and that is: Be open to others. You only let in James. But the reason why you care so much about James is because he is the only one for you that loves you and helps you. However if you don't let others in, than there will only ever be James and you will never have anyone elses hand to hold on to. And so James will always have the lead and no one will ever replace him or take over at times :/
James isn't Satan. You can't call someone who is your only support in hard times the lord of the flies. Might be an incubus (I see that both as a teological and an imaginary creature that functions the same way) but don't worry about it. Take slow steps. Appreciate him, but try to learn to take some distance. Talk to him about it. See if it does anything.
I wish you the best.
2nd thing that would shock you: I know how it is too struggle with sexuality. In fact while trying to find out who I was, OCD for sexuality was something that came up.
I am autistic, but not entirely, which causes me to have kind of a normal side and an autistic side. I always prefered the autistic side and identified as an autistic boy. Why do I prefer the autistic part? well because of an argument that I call "The Regenworm-agrument" which goes like this: "why do i like earthworms more than humans? Because I never saw an earthworm cut a man in two pieces with a shovel" I use this argument for a lot of things haha. I like my autistic side more than my normal side because it's the side that normal people are always shitting on. Being discriminating bastards, even have had physical violence against me because of it. So this makes me dislike normal people and like autism more. Autism doesn nothing wrong. It's not discriminating or agrassive. So yeah...
Because of that I have a side of me which I like and one I don't. Sometimes the sides change but in the end I always prefer autism. This division expanded to more character traits related to this though. Sooo lets devide myself into two parts:
The first part is my autism. it contains my youth, my autism, my daydreams, my creativity, my joy, my luck, my longing for love.
The secon part is my normal side. It contains things everyone has, my social side, my human feelings that are though to deal with and my sexuality.
The first part is me, the second part is also me, but not who I want to me. So I am asexual, but I'm heterosexual though I don't want to be that way. I want to be asexual because to me that is who I am, but my body and brain dissagree.
To put it simpler: I'm an asexual person in a heterosexual body with sexual needs and it hurts me. I hate sex and everything about it, and all I just want in my life is sweet love without these gross things but I can't because my body craves for these things. It's body versus heart. Body versus heart versus brain. Romance versus sex. It's killing me.
I wanted to get castrated, remove my genitals so I would be finally safed from this awefull problem. But yeah... I wasn't brave enough I guess. Maybe I still do it one day.
Recently I decided to officially identify as asexual though. Because if I'm two things at once, I might as well choose what I like to be called act as if that's me. I want an asexual relationship. My heterosexuality that surrounds me is something I'll worry about later. I need a girlfriend first to do anything with that anyway and I only want a girlfriend for a romantic relationship. I just want to move on for now and have and identity.
So that's my story. Just thought I'd share it. Might help.
I would also like to add: It's okay to be gay. It's okay to be straight. It's okay to be stuck in between both of these. It's okay to not want to be one of these. It is all okay. Litterally no sexuality is bad. I often get confused whene I find boys handsome too. And I get so annoyed and frustrated because of how everyone talks about sex. But it's all okay. You don't need to be anything. You can be in between different orientations. There are reasons to be confused and to think you might be something while you obviously aren't. But there is no reason to actually fear it because there's nothing wrong with it. Stop worrying. It's not the end of the world if you would suddenly fall in love with a girl. That was just in case there was something more besides the HOCD ;)
Okay sorry I stop here but there's realy something wrong with my eye and I can't continue lol. Sorry!
I hope you'll be alright aqua.
You can ALWAYS message me or talk to me. This site is made for venting btw, nothing wrong with it.
Love and strenght,
-Roel, minus his left eye that has decided to follow his dreams and become a little toe, or whatever other random body part that I don't need in the middle of my face.
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Padraic take it easy m8, Mubashra is helping. I felt a bit weird when I read that too, but the rest of what she wrote is realy helpfull and supporting. I am sure she didn't mean it that way. And if she did, it's just culture shock. Happens :) Let's not get wound up about this. Mubashra has religious background just like Aquamarine and wether it sounds sane to us or not, I think this relates more to aquamarines environment than our atheïstic/agnostic/sceptical views. Aquamarines parents see it as some sort of disease too, which is a big part of the problem. Sugesting solutions that don't involve rebelling against this vision of her parents isn't that bad of an idea. It involves doing less impossable actions. It just sounds a bit weird for us.
This is a site for people all around the world. Let's try to accept all visions and interpretations. I hope I didn't just escalate this by saying this, but I fear this comment section to turn into an arguement instead of usefull help for Aquamarine. So that's why I am kindly asking you Padraic to not critise the help from others that are just as caring as all of us. It's not even that relevant to the point Mubashra was making, so let's just keep the peace alright :)
I completely understand why you would react like this tho. I relate. But it's just not an ideal situation if all helping people start feeling uncomfortable with eachothers.
Padraic said:Why on earth would you tell someone that homosexuality can be treated?
Is it a disease?
Is that supposed to make her feel better?
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Permalink Reply by Aquamarine. ♡❄ on
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Padraic said:Why on earth would you tell someone that homosexuality can be treated?
Is it a disease?
Is that supposed to make her feel better?
Mubashra said:Hey Aquamarine,
First, to be bluntly honest, you're pretty messed up. But it's from a jumble of pieces that you complete a puzzle. So first and foremost, you need to hang in there and never stoptrying.
Second, I know you said professional help isn't possible for you, but I think that's the way for you, because, Aqua, sometimes we must take the path littered with broken glass, rather than the one lined with flowers, because that's the one that'll lead you right. I speak for everyone here when I say we're all here for you, and ready to support and help you in any way we can, but we cannot help you the way a professional can. You don't have to do this through your mom either. Talk to a trustworthy friend, relative or even a teacher, if there is one. You don't have to tell them everything either.
I believe you've got this phobia of being homosexual, rather than actually being one, but it's affecting you really bad. However, both phobia and homisexuality can be treated, for those who want/need it, but once again, it calls for professional attention.
And sis, you need to calm down. Whenever you feel yourself hyperventilating, or your brain going into overdrive, try taking deep breaths, or inhaling and holding your breath with your eyes closed and releasing the tension in your shoulders (it helps me a lot). Try brisk walking too. Also try distracting yourself; find new interests or hobbies: paint, sketch, play tennis, or just start playing Flappy Bird, that should be distracting enough. I'm not asking you to ignore your problems, but just advising you to occupy your mind to stop it going in that danger zone.
And last: Don't give up! I know what you're going through isn't easy to deal wit; I probably cannot even begin to understand it, but just remember: We are all here for you.
Good luck, Aqua.
Thanks for the support, but It's ok. I really hope and wish it can be treated. Again, I know the stigma with this issue, specially in today's generation; that if someone, for some reason wondered "what if?" then that's it! You're tainted. But... deep inside, I know I'm straight. I just happen to have a very common OCD theme (more common that you'd think) alongside with ROCD (relationship OCD) and mild TOCD (transgender OCD), POCD (pedophile OCD) and Harm OCD (worrying that a part of me wants to hurt/kill everyone, including myself).
Though if I'm honest, all these comments supporting the devil on my shoulder (OCD) are freaking me out. :(
But I know they're made in good intentions, so thanks regardless of that. ♡ :)
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Roel said:Not trying to hurt you here. Not asking you to let go either. Just try to hold James' hand a bit loser. It will do no harm. And in bad times you can just jump in his arms.
I've dealt with succubi before. I hate them. I can't explain how much I hate them. Wheter they're satans creations or mine. The struggle is real and the fight is painfull. If you ever 'get rid of James' (which is not exactly your plan) you will feel like a monster. I felt like a monster after I banished Kim. I had destroyed her.
To deal with this thing I can only give you one advice that is nearly impossable to follow and that is: Be open to others. You only let in James. But the reason why you care so much about James is because he is the only one for you that loves you and helps you. However if you don't let others in, than there will only ever be James and you will never have anyone elses hand to hold on to. And so James will always have the lead and no one will ever replace him or take over at times :/
James isn't Satan. You can't call someone who is your only support in hard times the lord of the flies. Might be an incubus (I see that both as a teological and an imaginary creature that functions the same way) but don't worry about it. Take slow steps. Appreciate him, but try to learn to take some distance. Talk to him about it. See if it does anything.
I'll reply to your comment in a while, let me just finish crying at what you wrote here...
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Sorry if I made you cry you Aqua :( I didn't mean to hurt you at all. Please forgive me.
While rereading what I said I realised I said something too fast without much explanation; Don't take it too hard whene I call James an incubus. I don't say it in the same way your family would. It's just how I call these types of romantic destructive fantasies. And from what you told me James isn't that destructive, in fact he always helps you :/ so I'm not sure if I should call him an incubus.
In the end my imaginary person became a monster to me. She was far worse than how myth would describe a sucubus, so I called her that whene I started fighting it. It was my way of recognising that I was in fact dealing with a terrible being that was bad for me instead of a nice imaginary character that helped me. I needed to show myself how wrong it all was. So I called her a monster. Succubi...
I shouldn't compare James with her this easely. After all James is still a coherent imaginary character that helps you. And you're a healthy person. Kims horribleness was nothing but the reflection of my own terrible twisted sides :/
I am very very sorry for making you cry and I hope you realise I'm just trying to help you/share my honest thoughts/ vent my own emotions in a very inefficient way.
Please be well soon
-Roel
Aquamarine. ♡❄ said:I'll reply to your comment in a while, let me just finish crying at what you wrote here...
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Roel said:Sorry if I made you cry you Aqua :( I didn't mean to hurt you at all. Please forgive me.
While rereading what I said I realised I said something too fast without much explanation; Don't take it too hard whene I call James an incubus. I don't say it in the same way your family would. It's just how I call these types of romantic destructive fantasies. And from what you told me James isn't that destructive, in fact he always helps you :/ so I'm not sure if I should call him an incubus.
In the end my imaginary person became a monster to me. She was far worse than how myth would describe a sucubus, so I called her that whene I started fighting it. It was my way of recognising that I was in fact dealing with a terrible being that was bad for me instead of a nice imaginary character that helped me. I needed to show myself how wrong it all was. So I called her a monster. Succubi...
I shouldn't compare James with her this easely. After all James is still a coherent imaginary character that helps you. And you're a healthy person. Kims horribleness was nothing but the reflection of my own terrible twisted sides :/
I am very very sorry for making you cry and I hope you realise I'm just trying to help you/share my honest thoughts/ vent my own emotions in a very inefficient way.
Please be well soon
-Roel
Aquamarine. ♡❄ said:I'll reply to your comment in a while, let me just finish crying at what you wrote here...
Oh, no. I meant I was crying because of how overwhelmed those words made me feel, - in a good way. Thank you for your perspective and advice! :)
I'm sorry she became like that... that should've been hard to deal with. Did you ever tried to go back and start from zero? Or does it feel like a flaw you need to erase?
I wouldn't say James (my idealized version of him... I sometimes feel guilty for using the poor guy this way.) isn't destructive... umm, but not quite in the way of an incubus (but that's the type of book I'd like to read... and will look out for, sounds interesting!). After all, even if he was my way to deal with problems at the time, it chained me to pain (If I didn't need him, I wouldn't need him... and I like needing him). We all have a twisted side, there's no good without bad; so don't feel so guilty about it. :) //(I dunno if getting into details is right, but...) I have way too much self-destructive scenes (maybe 87% of them). I don't really aim to have a 'healthy' relationship, because I just like to feel things intensely; but the only way to have it that way is by raising the bar and pushing the envelope. If I were to compare myself and the real-life James to fictional characters, I would be a female version of the Phantom of the Opera and he'd be a male Clarisse who would most likely run the hell away from my madness... Sigh, when I first saw the movie I was awestruck by the countless amounts of times I could see 'us' in between. Or I'd be Éponine from Les Mis, who I strongly relate to (ironically, James played Marius while growing up in theatre. Coincidence? I think not.)
So, back to your comment that pushed my buttons... I don't know what to say. Yes, I should let go, It's the right thing to do; but I still don't want to. -That's what it comes down to.
But I already wrote it down in my journal and will keep reading and re-reading them until maybe someday I feel enough self-worth to give it a try; because as far as I know, you can't be victorious by feeling defined with every lyric of "Music of the Night"...
---Again, so sorry for not replying to your first comment... daydreaming too much. :/ But I will. I truly appreciate your words. :)
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Hey Aqua - Glad to see you've gotten some good advice from the others already. Everyone's advice holds nuggets of truth. We're all just using bits of our own lives to help. :)
(Long post warning - you might want to get some tea before you start reading. ;o) )
Firstly, Paddy makes an important point - try and relax a bit. Let go ever so slightly and give yourself some space to breath.
Musbasrha's advice about talking to someone is good - even if it's only a teacher you can trust or a councillor. No one can "cure" or stop you from being any sexual orientation you are or change what you believe, but it might help to have some immediate support in general. If you can't lean on your family, it's still important that you have someone to confide in. Of course, we're always here for you to.
And Roel is just has all kinds of great advice like always and can really relate to what you're going through in some way. Borrow some of his insight - he's a wise man.
So my two cents:
When it comes to James, he can be something comforting that can get you through a day, but the need for him can also keep you from other things you might love. The best thing is to be extremely realistic about it. Nothing you're doing is hurting anyone, so it's fine to go on daydreaming and pulling strength from that - when MDers are alone and life gets on top of us, we sometimes need a soft place to land. Saying that though, you need to know that he can be probably only ever be that. You can't build your life around him. You sound like a bright young woman with dreams - follow them. Not for him, but because you can.
And trust me, I know how difficult that can be - about month ago my "second world" took a massive hit and it hurt so much that the pain was almost physical (I made a blog post about the silly drama that lead to it). It's then that I realised I'd become too emotionally stuck in that place - those characters had become an odd part of my being and I needed to let go, if even just slightly. No one can carry the emotional weight of two opposing worlds. So I've reduced some of my triggers, there's places on the web I now avoid to help contain the addiction and I stay in touch with WM to give myself some stability, That world isn't gone, or that much different. I haven't lost anything - I still have my MD - I just try to look at it from a different perspective. It's difficult and sometimes it's the only place I want to be 24/7, but I will no longer be an emotional slave to the whims of my mind. I don't believe MD can be "cured", but we can find ways to regulate it.
As for God? (This isn't so much religious advice, rather it's the tiny bit of insight I have.) I'm an atheist, but I was raised in a Christian household. What you believe is your choice - not your families or ours. Belief is a deeply personal experience. There's nothing wrong with doubting or questioning - we're humans and that's what we do and it's how we find our own truths. There is no wrong or right answer here. It's not an one size fits all answer either. There's also not just one kind of Catholic - I live in Ireland and I see people take the faith at a more "casual" pace everyday. Again, don't beat yourself up over this one, it takes time to find the path that's right for you.. It took me a while to and I decided religion just wasn't for me - you could decide something different, the same or something in-between.
Next, who you love or don't love doesn't have a simple answer - I believe sexuality isn't always set in stone. I'm bi and happily married to a great man - I don't care what his gender is. There's no set "level" for sexuality or love. Society doesn't get to create rules. You might only be attracted to men for example, but like to fantasizing about women or something else. It's about what makes you feel fulfilled and what you're comfortable with. So go with the flow, as long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else, it's totally natural. Be whatever you choose to be and don't let anyone force a label on you.
Lastly...family. This is a delicate subject. A lot of users on this site have heard me say this before: "Love" and "Like" are both four letter words, but they are distinct in meaning. You can love your family, but you don't necessarily have to like them. No one on this planet has the right to make you feel less than you are. No one has the right to judge you or try to break your spirit. Please, reach out to someone if things get too much. There are support groups you can contact which will have your back and might work as intermediaries between you and your mom. They'll help open the lines of communication, give advice and make sure it's a healthy environment for you - especially if you're feeling depressed.
I hope I didn't miss anything. Most importantly? This your life and it's an important one. Nothing ever stays the same and we can't predict what will happen tomorrow. Things like OCD, anxiety, or depression can sometimes "skew" our perception of the world, but with support we can find away out of that mist. I know this is a difficult time for you, I hope our advice and the support of fellow MDers will help you weather the storm.
*Hug*
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Fitri Kamelia said:Honestly I kinda confused with your DD, but I could see your problem with family. Because that was same problem which happened with me, in different religion (Islam if you want to know). But yeah, if I complain about something related psychology, she only said that's because I'm still lack spirit of religious. I also believe in God, but only praying/read Quran/else won't help except I do something to cure my MD. My friends in high school wasn't good friend, though. Betrayed twice, bullied for my unusual taste (even they called me autism which is really offend me), and all of my crush (total: 4 lol) reject my confess because they don't want strange girl like me. Only one girl who liked my taste, and still a best friend even after we don't went to same uni.
The result was my alter-ego created around 2012... you can call her Alisa Alvi, doesn't have religion but still believe in God (agnostic, am I right?). She make more characters who had various religion yet not religious. There's some characters who are secretly into LGBT (btw I'm not a strong supporter, because I still hate any couple either straight or gay who shares their relationship to public). Alisa doesn't have any relationship, just friends with all of her creation.
too bad I can't gave you advice, since I actually make my own border to never DD myself falling in love with celebrities. All of my DD was historical fiction, so I choose to cure myself with writing stories (and fictional history) about them. I also deepen my art skill (in politic major lol) so I could illustrate any stories that I want. And the result, now I DD less than before. I actually want to complete my cure by consult to psychiatry, yet my mom refuse and said I still lack of religious. So yeah, I still have some MD in me.
about punishment? religious part me would said: I believe this isn't God punishment. More like... examination. To prove if you could make through your problems. Then it depends on you. Still many choice. Either you want to give up or not, only you and God who knows the best of you. Except death (if you know what I mean).
And one last thing....
Myers-Briggs: INFP
Enneagram: ....I don't know what is this really. After I took the test, I got Type 4 but dunno what wings...
Numerology: Life path 9
Horoscope: Pisces (you can see the Neptune symbol in my alter-ego for my identity)
First of all, It's awesome that you're an INFP 4 Pisces too! (And as a 4, I totally understand your experience with being the inadequate 'black sheep' everywhere).
I did thought at the beginning of my noticeable OCD (I didn't knew i had a few branches of it before) that God was testing me to see if I wanted what I wanted enough and willing to fight hard for it (even with myself), but now that I'm slowly losing my faith... I just don't know what to think.
Yeah... I get what you're saying. My mom and my grandma never tire of insisting there's no such thing as mental illness (or even physical illness) because it's all spiritual; that the only reason why I'm "depressed" is because I don't believe in God and therefore, Satan has me tied to his will. It's all my fault. *sigh*I know you can still get emotionally attached to your characters, but not in a romantic way, - and it's never easy... but you seem to have a smoother path with MD I kinda wish I had. Keep having (or trying to have) a healthy perspective with it! :) (...because digging deeper equals less light. :/)
~Alisa is so cool! :D-------And thank you! ✿
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Padraic said:Well I'm OCD and I also have been through the catholic guilt trip and I have MD big time.
You are in a seriously dysfunctional house by the sounds of it.
I was also told to go ahead and kill myself by my mother.
In fact when I was 7 I was lying on the bed with a bottle of pills in my hand and she told me "it's takes guts to kill yourself".
I'm actually 56 now. Mother died when I was 24 and I convinced myself it was my fault.
God this brings back some memories of ECT and endless hospital trips in 2 different countries.
I assure you there is no old testament punishing deity and probably no cosmic zombie new testament one who is his own father and was born from a virgin (pretty neat trick but again unlikely).
When I was in the puzzle factory for the umpteenth time and pumped with all kinds of junK I had a local catholic priest visit me in his sadomasochistic garb and tell me that God was punishing me too!
Get as far away from those nut jobs as you can and never stand for anyone telling to kill yourself!
The bright side of it is that you seem to have found an exit and worked to find happiness, which is currently my hope.
I can't stand the fact that everyone makes me feel guilty for the lack of trust/love they took the time to plant within me since I can remember; and the fact that I want to run away, instead of wearying myself out while fixing this hopeless case, makes me an unlovable, evil human being.
Thanks for understanding. :)
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Permalink Reply by Valkyrie on
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Ouch, your situation sounds pretty rough. I am not an expert on this but, I feel just talk to your friends that you trust and pray pray and PRAY! He is your best friend you know. I have a question for you. I have a boy in my life, and I would not really call it dating but we both like each other. Do you not recommend daydreaming about him because I feel like we are so young that if we go separate ways I will be 10 times more broken hearted. I'm wondering since you have become to attached to this celeb through DDing that I would become more attached to this boy. Then I would get hurt if we split. Or I would end up murdering him in my DD!! :o!!! I do not want to take away from your problem, but anyone help plz??? <3 <3
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