Was it right? What to do? (Help!)

[Aquamarine. ♡❄]

So... this is my first time interacting with other MDers and it makes me so happy! :D 

Feels awesome not struggling while explaining your complicated situation to someone who will eventually see it as a made-up disorder to gain pity and attention... :/

Anyway, today I went to acting class (my alter-ego is a very successful actress and I want to follow her steps) and the teacher told us to imagine a bench, a bench which happens to be the most important thing in your life and the very thing that defines you, and to answer the questions: 1) Why is it so important to you? 2) What do you do there? 3) What's your relationship with it? Of course, I chose my alternate world and most importantly, my alternate boyfriend/husband (or, well, my celebrity crush). The teacher didn't get it right away and told me to pick another action because daydreaming isn't a proper one, then I tried to explain I had MDD (which was the very first time I told someone I had this outside of the internet) but I feel she didn't believed it was an actual disorder because when I first started classes with her, I pointed out I had Social Anxiety (in Spanish it doesn't sound very legit, and in Costa Rica it isn't well known) so I can't get this worry out of my head. I basically said I had an imaginary boyfriend because I fell in love with a celebrity a few years ago, that I don't even know who I was before him (I was 12 at the time), and now everything I am is tied up to those hazel eyes, that this is my journey and he's my home.

She said that was great  and gave her approval (helps that I used Éponine from Les Misérables as an example) though I was close to tears with every word. I really poured my everything out there! (He's my everything. And as I said, I've never actually spoke of him that way out loud). 

Then we had to make an improv scene with that 'bench', the same way we've always done it alone. And when it came my time, I strongly doubt I could get through it because the way I acted towards James (my celebrity crush's name... heck, he's James Maslow. Whtvs.) was strongly personal. When something really upsetting happens and pain strongly pulls me under, I brake the "fourth wall" and instead of going into my utopia and become my alter-ego, I bring James to me. I imagine he's aware of his 'role' in my utopia and thus, knows me to the core. Then he "hugs" me and "comforts" me while I cry my heart out wrapped around his "arms". Usually I also complain to him on why the real him isn't here and how stupid I am for still hoping with all my heart someday he'd be in my life, it ends up upsetting me way more when I take a moment and realize I'm leaning towards nothing and hugging a pillow, nothing else. I'm actually alone. 

I did all of that with the 'bench' (laid on it, cried, complained, hugged it...) and EVERYONE was watching me (well, 3 people including the teacher. But still!). I KNOW, I know that's the obvious thing actors do... but, honestly? My alter-ego is so much more skilled at getting inside her 'bubble' than I am. :( 

I still can't believe I legitimately did it and got through it! I thought i'd be as stiff as a rock and kept annoyingly repeating "I can't..." until my teacher rolled her eyes and allowed me to get out of it. But she congratulated me and said I was the best of the rest! :D

(Helps I was daydreaming the entire class but in a weirder way I dunno if MDers do? I assume that in my 'characters' reality {usually realistically based in 'real time' /my characters are real celebrities/} there's some kind of psychic/guru/genie/time-traveler/magician/wizard/witch that either shows the true, real life James Maslow a bunch of proof {like interviews of "me" or "us", our zodiac sign/Enneagram/Myers-Briggs/Numerology compatibility, "my songs", "my movies", etc.) that I'll be his wife, the mother of his kids... yeah. Or takes my idealized version of him to my "past" and he becomes a witness of who I was before he met "me" (or alter-me), so it's like he's a ghost... following me... reading my mind... listening to the music I'm listening to... yeah. But today, I collided both and the psychic... time-traveler... ish was streaming me in class in real-James's TV {with subtitles tho}. Even when I can't nor have time to daydream, I still do!)

What's the thing I need help with? As I said, I have Social Anxiety and can't stop regretting opening up THAT much to strangers. I felt extremely overwhelmed, empty, sick, weak and kinda... used? After I got out of class, I thought about diving deeper into it the next class because we'll have to do the same thing again, but like a monologue this time. In order for them to understand me better and not get a sense of me being naive, childish, stupid, ridiculous and sadly so desperate that I had to create an imaginary boyfriend (...even if all of that is true), I'd read them a chapter of a fanfiction I'm writing about this (ironically titled "Imaginary Lover"), though in my fanfic the main character actually tip toes a bit into psychosis, but it still starts out with MDD. At one hand, I want to keep opening myself up at people who do it with me and is all focused around self-improvement and being one step closer to where I yearn to be, but at the same time... this is really scary and I feel extremely judged. 

What to do? Do I spill my heavy, full glass without caring about the mess I make? Or I keep it in line and only show as much as they force me to? 

Please respond. :(

What would you do? 

(Its been 13 hours since the class ended and I'm still so overwhelmed...)

[Bee]

Welcome to the community! Seeing new members join and share their stories is always great. :)

Well firstly, I think you deserve to be congratulated for what you did - we all know it isn't easy to share our MD with 'normies'. That's an amazingly big and brave step you took! Also, you found a way to dig deep within yourself and use the MD to express yourself - in some way, you made it work for you. :)

As for your question? Not knowing how open minded your teacher and those in your class are....my advice would be.. only share as much as your comfortable with - only share what you can trust them with. If you start feeling forced to share, that's not a good thing - MD is very personal.

Also, I recommend, taking a few days to think things over, guage everyone's reaction after the fact and let your feelings settle for a bit. You're coming down from one hell of an emotional high.

I'm sure fellow members will be by later to weigh in as well - we have some very wise souls that call WM their home.;)

[Roel]

Hello new person, pleased to meet you! :)

We're strangers to you too I guess. And opening up to us must have been a big step for you too. I remember whene I was first here I did not trust the people here at all. I didn't trust anyone with my feelings anyways. I even locked my feelings away from myself! So congratulations on your first post here. You poured your heart out and I'm proud of you :D And I can asure you all members here are nice and caring and understanding. Even when we don't understand, we don't judge. So there is no need to worry about us. We're here to help ;)

I never fell for celebrities. Instead I got a crush on someone I met in a night-dream once, and I spend big portions of my life daydreaming about her and expanding her character. I eventually stopped though whene these fantasies started taking sick and twisted turns and became simply awefull. (I wish not to speak about that :s ) But so I'm familiar with the imaginary-lover-thing. It is hard to be constantly attached to someone who isn't real and you can't tell anyone else about it, but at the same time it's the only person that can comfort you.

I don't understand how you ever got the strength to tell anyone about this. I'm not even sure I ever told anyone here on this site about my imaginary girlfriend. It's something that I would have felt so incredibly embarassed for and it's something of which I would know that no-one would ever understand it. And yet you shared this, with us and with others (like your teacher). I aplaud you! This is true bravery! You did something great, well done :D

I know anxiety. I have had bits of social anxiety in my life too, and I always reacted to my fears and worries in a violent way as if it were my enemy. Causing big portions of chaos to exist in my mind. Though the most part of my anxiety comes from other things, for example 'erotofobia' is a giant demon I need to face all the time. I get how you are still overwhelmed after that many hours, and if you're like me it will take even some days to wear of. Best way to get rid of it is to do things. Do something else, anything else, but just don't keep worrying about it. For example rightnow I should be nailed to the ground because of an arguement at school, but instead of worrying about that I decided to start working for all my homework and courses like some sort of supernerd, and now I can barely feel any worries because my mind is busy with other things. So keep yourself occupied with something. Some kind of distraction, and it would be usefull if that distraction were productive.

And in any case: everything always turns out okay. If you're at the end of hope, tell yourself that it is only some sort of weird fear, that gives small problems huge shadows. You are strong enough to do this ;)

I would take Bee's advice: Do whatever you feel comfortable with. School is not more worthy than your feelings anyways, so you shouldn't risk being hurt for it.

And I would also like to add; whatever the outcome is, don't be mad at yourself afterwards. You can't do anything wrong. If others judge you, than that is not your fault. Don't be mad at yourself for it, don't hurt yourself for it. I do this whenever I realise I did something terribly wrong in front of people. And it's not good. You have to just accept yourself as a person that makes mistakes and a person that is allowed to make mistakes. It might hurt, but that is no reason at all to hurt yourself even more by being mad at yourself and not accepting yourself.

I wish you the best Aquamarine, and welcome to the community :)

Strength and love,

-roelifant

[Aquamarine. ♡❄]

Bee said:

Welcome to the community! Seeing new members join and share their stories is always great. :)

Well firstly, I think you deserve to be congratulated for what you did - we all know it isn't easy to share our MD with 'normies'. That's an amazingly big and brave step you took! Also, you found a way to dig deep within yourself and use the MD to express yourself - in some way, you made it work for you. :)

As for your question? Not knowing how open minded your teacher and those in your class are....my advice would be.. only share as much as your comfortable with - only share what you can trust them with. If you start feeling forced to share, that's not a good thing - MD is very personal.

Also, I recommend, taking a few days to think things over, guage everyone's reaction after the fact and let your feelings settle for a bit. You're coming down from one hell of an emotional high.

I'm sure fellow members will be by later to weigh in as well - we have some very wise souls that call WM their home.;)

Thanks for your reply! 

(If I'm honest, I didn't replied to your comment earlier because MD. Hell, the hours pass by in a time-lapse and make my procrastination problem even worse...)

Yeah, It was nerve-wracking to the point of shivering and crying... but I know the foundation of an actor/actress starts with knowing yourself enough and opening your wounds to bleed in front of everyone in order to do the same with someone else's tragedy... so I had to. And I've been beating myself up with the embarrassment, so your compliments are really a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much! :)

That sounds like the right thing to do... There are scenes of me and James (agh, I feel ashamed when I talk about him as if I actually know him) that I will take to the grave because they're too personal, but the thing is: when I see one of my classmates bawling because their wound was caused by bullying and I become aware that I'm still holding too much inside, I feel like I'm not a good actress or simply not taking it seriously. Anyway, I know even if I write a meticulous scrip; I'll be too shy when the time comes and will only share whatever resembles safety and normality (...which unfortunately makes my MD seem like a childish and ridiculous joke). 

I am trying to settle after that... even though I know I'll act the same way next class; I wish I won't feel as overwhelmed. :/

Thank you again for your nice encouragement! ✿

I'm pretty excited with joining this community. :D

[Aquamarine. ♡❄]

Roel said:

Hello new person, pleased to meet you! :)

We're strangers to you too I guess. And opening up to us must have been a big step for you too. I remember whene I was first here I did not trust the people here at all. I didn't trust anyone with my feelings anyways. I even locked my feelings away from myself! So congratulations on your first post here. You poured your heart out and I'm proud of you :D And I can asure you all members here are nice and caring and understanding. Even when we don't understand, we don't judge. So there is no need to worry about us. We're here to help ;)

I never fell for celebrities. Instead I got a crush on someone I met in a night-dream once, and I spend big portions of my life daydreaming about her and expanding her character. I eventually stopped though whene these fantasies started taking sick and twisted turns and became simply awefull. (I wish not to speak about that :s ) But so I'm familiar with the imaginary-lover-thing. It is hard to be constantly attached to someone who isn't real and you can't tell anyone else about it, but at the same time it's the only person that can comfort you.

I don't understand how you ever got the strength to tell anyone about this. I'm not even sure I ever told anyone here on this site about my imaginary girlfriend. It's something that I would have felt so incredibly embarassed for and it's something of which I would know that no-one would ever understand it. And yet you shared this, with us and with others (like your teacher). I aplaud you! This is true bravery! You did something great, well done :D

I know anxiety. I have had bits of social anxiety in my life too, and I always reacted to my fears and worries in a violent way as if it were my enemy. Causing big portions of chaos to exist in my mind. Though the most part of my anxiety comes from other things, for example 'erotofobia' is a giant demon I need to face all the time. I get how you are still overwhelmed after that many hours, and if you're like me it will take even some days to wear of. Best way to get rid of it is to do things. Do something else, anything else, but just don't keep worrying about it. For example rightnow I should be nailed to the ground because of an arguement at school, but instead of worrying about that I decided to start working for all my homework and courses like some sort of supernerd, and now I can barely feel any worries because my mind is busy with other things. So keep yourself occupied with something. Some kind of distraction, and it would be usefull if that distraction were productive.

And in any case: everything always turns out okay. If you're at the end of hope, tell yourself that it is only some sort of weird fear, that gives small problems huge shadows. You are strong enough to do this ;)

I would take Bee's advice: Do whatever you feel comfortable with. School is not more worthy than your feelings anyways, so you shouldn't risk being hurt for it.

And I would also like to add; whatever the outcome is, don't be mad at yourself afterwards. You can't do anything wrong. If others judge you, than that is not your fault. Don't be mad at yourself for it, don't hurt yourself for it. I do this whenever I realise I did something terribly wrong in front of people. And it's not good. You have to just accept yourself as a person that makes mistakes and a person that is allowed to make mistakes. It might hurt, but that is no reason at all to hurt yourself even more by being mad at yourself and not accepting yourself.

I wish you the best Aquamarine, and welcome to the community :)

Strength and love,

-roelifant

Hi!

(So sorry for the delay replying to your comment... again, time goes by me like water through my fingers. :/)

Thank you so much for that! Actually I'm a bit clogged up with myself and opening up (especially in the internet, to people who will at least try to understand) brings me relief most times (is real life, one-on-one interactions who gets me regretting anything I might have spilled out). Sometimes I wish I could lock my feelings from myself though, but I can't because I'm constantly drowning in them... 

Yes. He's basically my only source of happiness and strength I've had, but I think I might relate at some degree with those 'sick and twisted turns' you speak of... I basically see unhealthy relationships appealing. I'm curious though (if you don't mind me asking) how did you broke up with her? Was it easy?

Thank you so much for your nice words! :) Honestly, MD combined with my burning, undying hope that those scenarios will eventually happen someday, somehow, if I just try... are pulling under. I can't even see the line between killing/saving and persistence/insanity anymore. It hasn't been long since I "hit rock bottom" (mostly thanks to OCD, though). All these years I've just been slowly sinking, so I had to realize the only way to... save myself, was to become less heavy. I saw the chance with acting and realized I wasn't the only one uncomfortable or overly emotional while telling their personal stories, so surprisingly I catched the bravery, took the chance and let the basic go as a burden from my arms. (And because James is an actor, I get my best inspiration from him... It helped saying: "He has let so much of himself out there already, he's serious about his passion. Do something he would like, that will make him proud.") Still, I'm aware how ridiculous it may sound to an outsider for someone to have an imaginary relationship with a celebrity, with true feelings involved, and the fact that is literally getting in the way of that person living and enjoying life, but... oh, well.

That happens to me as well. I get anxious at school (or used to. I'm home-schooled now), at a party or with my family; but when I randomly go out and feel everyone judging me, I need to clench my fists so don't give in to the temptation of punching something or screaming to someone. In the "getting productive" side... I don't know if I can. I've tried for many months to do something, but depression is eating me up (again, mostly because of OCD. I'm just constantly and harshly battling with myself). I still will try anyway; I've got lots videos to edit, a fan page to run, fanfiction to write... (of James, obviously. :p) and 10+ books to read. So yeah, I'll try. :)

Thanks for those advises. It's pretty pleasant to turn your back at all the people in your life underestimating you and calling you "lazy", "dumb", "impractical", "irresponsible", "immature" and "selfish" and coming here to get the right inspiration by people who actually care and understands. Those sentences you wrote reminds me of the ones I'm always pondering in my head: "I always knew that I had all the strength to make it through." & "Don't believe it when you loose your faith, another moment is a moment away."

That last sentence you wrote...
I guess my desire of the meticulously rightness for my "alter-ego" has fed me up for so long... when I do a mistake and realize I'm eventually human and most things in this life are earthy and never a 100% perfect, I feel like trash. I can't escape the loop of "I could've done this better, damn it." and if I can't, then "it's just not for me." or I'm simply never good enough. So yes, I constantly hate myself for not being perfect. 
... I should change that.

Thanks again, for you taking the time to relate to me; It was extremely helpful.

I wish you the best too. :)

Thank you. 

[Roel]

Aquamarine. ♡❄ said:

Hi!

(So sorry for the delay replying to your comment... again, time goes by me like water through my fingers. :/)

Thank you so much for that! Actually I'm a bit clogged up with myself and opening up (especially in the internet, to people who will at least try to understand) brings me relief most times (is real life, one-on-one interactions who gets me regretting anything I might have spilled out). Sometimes I wish I could lock my feelings from myself though, but I can't because I'm constantly drowning in them... 

Yes. He's basically my only source of happiness and strength I've had, but I think I might relate at some degree with those 'sick and twisted turns' you speak of... I basically see unhealthy relationships appealing. I'm curious though (if you don't mind me asking) how did you broke up with her? Was it easy?

Thank you so much for your nice words! :) Honestly, MD combined with my burning, undying hope that those scenarios will eventually happen someday, somehow, if I just try... are pulling under. I can't even see the line between killing/saving and persistence/insanity anymore. It hasn't been long since I "hit rock bottom" (mostly thanks to OCD, though). All these years I've just been slowly sinking, so I had to realize the only way to... save myself, was to become less heavy. I saw the chance with acting and realized I wasn't the only one uncomfortable or overly emotional while telling their personal stories, so surprisingly I catched the bravery, took the chance and let the basic go as a burden from my arms. (And because James is an actor, I get my best inspiration from him... It helped saying: "He has let so much of himself out there already, he's serious about his passion. Do something he would like, that will make him proud.") Still, I'm aware how ridiculous it may sound to an outsider for someone to have an imaginary relationship with a celebrity, with true feelings involved, and the fact that is literally getting in the way of that person living and enjoying life, but... oh, well.

That happens to me as well. I get anxious at school (or used to. I'm home-schooled now), at a party or with my family; but when I randomly go out and feel everyone judging me, I need to clench my fists so don't give in to the temptation of punching something or screaming to someone. In the "getting productive" side... I don't know if I can. I've tried for many months to do something, but depression is eating me up (again, mostly because of OCD. I'm just constantly and harshly battling with myself). I still will try anyway; I've got lots videos to edit, a fan page to run, fanfiction to write... (of James, obviously. :p) and 10+ books to read. So yeah, I'll try. :)

Thanks for those advises. It's pretty pleasant to turn your back at all the people in your life underestimating you and calling you "lazy", "dumb", "impractical", "irresponsible", "immature" and "selfish" and coming here to get the right inspiration by people who actually care and understands. Those sentences you wrote reminds me of the ones I'm always pondering in my head: "I always knew that I had all the strength to make it through." & "Don't believe it when you loose your faith, another moment is a moment away."

That last sentence you wrote...
I guess my desire of the meticulously rightness for my "alter-ego" has fed me up for so long... when I do a mistake and realize I'm eventually human and most things in this life are earthy and never a 100% perfect, I feel like trash. I can't escape the loop of "I could've done this better, damn it." and if I can't, then "it's just not for me." or I'm simply never good enough. So yes, I constantly hate myself for not being perfect. 
... I should change that.

Thanks again, for you taking the time to relate to me; It was extremely helpful.

I wish you the best too. :)

Thank you. 

I delay these things too haha ;) no problem. And MDD makes time race.

About my imaginary girfriend; I never imagined myself breaking up with her. I just kind off stopped dreaming about her. I was able to do this because it had taken these "sick and twisted turns". She was no longer the sweet person I could never leave, but instead clearly an object that my own mind had constructed for specific purposes. She lacked continuity, she was always whatever suited the situation/dream. Her personality was always simular, but also started changing. I kept dreaming about falling in love again and again with her and to be honest after some time I started to hate that because it only reminded me of how it never happened in reality. Far more things happened to her but I just don't want to talk about that. Basicly, she just became an object to fullfill my twisted desires of loneliness, romance and other things and whene I reflected on this I felt like a monster who had made some kind of Frankensteins being and didn't want it any more. I never realy broke up with her. She just faded as a dream. Never forgot her name though.

Was it easy? It was something that happened logically for me. I barely needed to do anything to quit it because it was no longer what it once was. However I don't know how it would have been if she was still a solid person in my mind. But you see a big difference between you and me here is that your character is based on a real person, while mine is made up completely. Which causes mine to become more easely abstract after some time. She was never very solid. I'm gonna stop talking about this now because talking about this actually makes me feel like a horrible freak...

If you don't feel motivated to do any activity like books or anything productive (that happens whene you're feeling bad, motivation just leaves you...). I recommend randomly cleaning your room/house or random physical excercices like push ups or sit ups. Just work out, or clean a small bit, and maybe after that you will be distracted enough to do something more usefull. ;)

People irl are being mean enough already. It's our goal here at Wildminds Network to motivate eachothers in positive ways, like friends would do ;) Like that we compensate for ignorant people in your life who don't understand it anyways ;) And it's also just fun to be positive :)

Yeah you should try to be more gentle with yourself. It's a fight I'm fighting too at this moment. I need to stop punishing myself for things and I need to stop thinking I deserve all painfull experiences I encounter. It's hard, but it's something we all have to try. We are human. We make mistakes, and we still deserve to be loved whene we make these mistakes. You gotta love yourself and learn that it's okay to love yourself. I have much trouble with this myself :/ If you're gonna start fighting the bad destructive voices in your head that hate you, I am at your side :)

You are very welcome and I'm happy I could be of any help. We help eachothers here :)

Thank you!

-roelifant