My (boring?) story

[The Wild Child]

I feel that I need to share my story, even if nobody will read it or even if nobody cares. It’s not like it could change your life, I hardly doubt it will. Yet, I need to do it because since the 24th of August, I know that I’m not the only one with this daydreaming thing. First of all, should I introduce myself? Well, I’m not good at this and I don’t want to display my name so like everywhere, I use “The Wild Child” as a pseudo. I’m 18, I’ll be 19 on October first. I’m Belgian so I’m sorry if I don’t speak English as well as I expect to do but well… I draw a lot, I rap (even though I’m not good at that but I’m practicing) and Eminem is my favorite artist of all time. I think there’s not much more to say about me beside the fact I’m daydreaming since I’m a little kid. But I think I know why, I’ll come to that later.

Before I talk about the “origins” of my daydreaming, I want to talk about how I found what I have because all my life I wondered if I was crazy. I remembered that it’s been a few years since I started to ask myself how the others were thinking. I mean, I’m not just daydreaming sometimes in the day, I daydream all the time. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to stop, because I’m afraid since I don’t know how to think “normally”. What will be in my head if I’m not in my imaginary world? I like daydreaming and I’m better in my head than outside. Since I’m little, I know it was something I had to hide in a way, because I knew it would be weird for the others and maybe that’s why I wouldn’t do any search about that. But here I am today, proudly talking about that (yet still anonymous, shhht). See, I always had this sort of fascination for mental disorders, this kind of stuff. I find it very interesting and I can read things about personality disorders and others things like that during hours. That’s how on August 22nd, I found the “Avoidant personality disorder”. When I read about it I was like “FINALLY. AN ANSWER.” It was very late at night so I kept the page in my favorite to read more about it the morning after. It was saying that we could escape in our imaginary to feel better. So I search some testimonies about what people with this disorder could imagine but nothing. And finally, I don’t really know how but I click on a link and I discovered the Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. I read about it and since, I want to talk about it with you guys, you seem really supportive and all. I don’t consider it as a curse because without this disorder, I wouldn’t be anything very good. I’m just glad I’m not the only one.

So, how did it begin? I thought a looooot about it. Really. But I always had the answers. I’m not happy in my life. I never really was. When you’re a kid, you have this innocence with you and you’re supposed to be happy but for some of us, it’s not like that. I guess my innocence was stolen when I started to see my father beat my mother. I act like it’s not a big deal, I don’t talk about it but I thought a lot about that. My parents divorced when I was 5, almost 6 if I remember correctly so it was a long time ago but it still fresh in my head, my earliest memory is one of him being violent with my mom. He was never with me or my sister, don’t worry for that. But I know he did some bad things, he was always cheating on her, was drinking a lot, I heard things from my mom she never should have told while I was in the same room, I know for exemple sometimes he had to look after me but instead he was taking drug with an ex-girlfriend of his, I know others things way more terrible but I don’t have to talk about it and I don’t want to. Today, I have a healthy relationship with him, he really had changed a few years ago and I’m more close to him than to my mother because of other stories. I see him like four days a month but it doesn’t happen a lot because he’s always travelling with his girlfriend. It’s like always when he has someone in his life, my sister and I are not as important as her. But I don’t hate her, she’s really kind with us and she helped me to reconnect with my father. For my mother, I’m not leaving with her anymore since a week; I’m not in our really rotten apartment anymore. We don’t have a lot of money, she doesn’t have a job and we’re three kids in there (my sister, 20, me, 18 and my step-brother, 6). I don’t really want to talk about my mom, I already feel like I’m talking too much, I doubt some of you are still here to read me and the problems with her happened a few years ago, I was already daydreaming all my time. I was a very quiet kid, I’m really introverted and shy as well plus I don’t like the company of others, I love to be alone. Maybe that’s how I developed this extreme daydreaming of mine. I transform every action in a daydream. When I go in the kitchen to make something to eat for supper for example, I will add that as a scene in my head. The kitchen is not mine but my character’s one and he’s making something to eat for himself, things like that.

I read a lot of post in the forum and I often see that daydreaming distracts from important things and it bothers some of you. I don’t see it like that because the fact I include the things I do in my daydreams allows me to be more concentrate on the task I’m doing. I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying but I replace the “why” of my actions for another “why” in my daydream and thanks to that, I have the motivation to do the things, I don’t know. It might sound weird, I know, but it’s how I live. Daydreaming is a part of my entire life.

I can be very discreet, I can daydream in the bus, in my living-room, etc. but I know I also need to live some of these daydreams. The problem is that I don’t even have a door for my bedroom so I have to wait until everyone is asleep because I can’t pace in my room like I want, I don’t want anyone to know. (And now, I’m sharing a place with six other persons for my studies and I really can’t daydream like before because they would hear me walking in my room, etc)

I have a lot of negative daydreams but it doesn’t bother me. I don’t daydream a lot about myself and when I’m in my own daydreams, I tend to imagine me differently, as a boy (well, I don’t really like the fact I’m a girl and I say “no” to dress since I can talk, it’s in me) and more cool than I am. If I’m listening to Eminem, I imagine it’s me who spit sick rhymes on a stage, on a rap battle that I win, of course, this kind of things. And there’s another way I imagine me and I don’t know if I’m totally ready to talk about it. Anyway, it’s generally as a character from a tv show I really really like, aired since 10 years now. I don’t daydream about the actor but about the character, I can’t imagine myself as a real person, I just feel... Guilty afterwards or something like that. Well, actually, I already did with some singers; I daydreamed about the same characters about a year, and it was back in 2012 I think, but since it was real persons, I add fake things as powers and all. ANYWAY. (I really feel that my English is bad) My most recent scenario with the character I was talking about was an aggression and all (it’s not really weird when you know who it is) but of course it ends well, but he has scars and it’s very violent, I mean… It’s not I’m a violent person (even if I was, I don’t think I could harm someone with my so inexistent muscles), I know I sometimes can be towards something that doesn’t work because I really can’t handle well frustration and I fought once when I was like 10. But I don’t think it’s that bad. I just know I really am violent in almost every daydream I have and I don’t know if it should worry me.

Well, I think I lost the point of what I wanted to say but I’m glad I found a place I can share all of that. It’s the first time ever I talk about my daydreams.

[Roel]

Hello Wild Child! Welcome to Wildminds.

I appolagize for not having the motivation to type out an answer with a decent length that fits with your post XD

I'm from Belgium too! Yaaaay! High five etc. !

I'm glad you told your story. Lots of us have what you have; the daydreaming, the struggle to keep daydreaming or stop daydreaming and even a lot of us are powered by childhoodtrauma's and other things like that. Glad that you found the strength to talk about it :D

Eminem is cool! I'm not much into rap, but I love him (like many people lol).

Don't worry man, (or woman) I cared about your post ;) I just don't realy cared about responding a lot at the moment lol. sorry!

And your english is fine. People from all over the world are here and only few of us talk propper english ;)

good to hear from you Wild Child, I hope the other wildminded people on this site can help you ;) At the evening/night the chatroom gets very bussy as well. Don't be afraid to step in and talk along :D 

[The Wild Child]

Don't worry, I know I wrote a lot so it's ok, I guess it's because it was on my heart for a long time, I had to say it all ! 

Yeah, high five ! From where in Belgium? :3 

Yeah, I think seeing all these people being able to talk about their struggles helped me to open up, and now I feel less anxious because I know that  here I will not be seen as a crazy person ! 

Don't even get me started on how cool Eminem is, haha, I can talk about him for hours ! :D

I'll try to come in the chatroom, it can be cool but I'm not talking easily to new people and I'm a little busy right now, but thanks for commenting my post, it means a lot. n.n

Roel said:

Hello Wild Child! Welcome to Wildminds.

I appolagize for not having the motivation to type out an answer with a decent length that fits with your post XD

I'm from Belgium too! Yaaaay! High five etc. !

I'm glad you told your story. Lots of us have what you have; the daydreaming, the struggle to keep daydreaming or stop daydreaming and even a lot of us are powered by childhoodtrauma's and other things like that. Glad that you found the strength to talk about it :D

Eminem is cool! I'm not much into rap, but I love him (like many people lol).

Don't worry man, (or woman) I cared about your post ;) I just don't realy cared about responding a lot at the moment lol. sorry!

And your english is fine. People from all over the world are here and only few of us talk propper english ;)

good to hear from you Wild Child, I hope the other wildminded people on this site can help you ;) At the evening/night the chatroom gets very bussy as well. Don't be afraid to step in and talk along :D 

[Roel]

You are welcome, it was fun to read your post ;)

Haha we all see ourselves a s crazy persons. But we accept it and don't judge ;)

I'm from somewhere around Mechelen, if you've ever heard of that.