guilty over using real people

[Ana Suau]

Hello, I'm new around here, my name is Ana, I'm 23, from Spain (so excuse me if I write something in a weird way, that would mean I haven't found the way to
correctly translate from Spanish what I wanted to say, but I hope you
can get it anyway), and also incredibly socially inept and shy, which
makes the fact that I've not only found the courage to write
something for others to read, but that I'm starting a new post,
almost a miracle to me. Anyway, you can see I'm a big blah blah blah
(so I have to fight hard to be concise when I write), but I hope I'm
able to participate in a more active way in this place, given it's
special nature to me.

My question is (I've read almost all the posts and I haven't found anything specific about it, but if it has been discussed, then I apologize) those of you who use
real people in your daydreams (in my case actors, but mostly
actresses) as themselves, or as a fictional character with their
physical appearance, do you feel guilty that you're using them? I do
feel guilty for them, because I know I wouldn't like to be used in
someone's fictional world for god knows what... so I feel creepy and
disgusting (although I feel like that for almost everything all the
time, I guess I over-worry about everything a lot, and my obsessive
personality and my low self-stem don't help).

I've gotten very conscious about it lately, so I've been trying to use characters they've played in real life, but it's not the same, because if I use their
characters then I have to “play” the story in their original
scenario, with the associated secondary characters and all, but right
now that's not satisfactory to me, I prefer the “realistic” and
created by me scenario in which that actress is my long term romantic
interest... And as I'm talking about this for the fist time, I can't
help to feel weird but relieved to know that even though no one might
completely feel something similar to my case, I'm not going to be
pointed at and get strange looks (or the written version of that), it
feels great.

So, does anyone else feel guilty? Not only about using actors, but also friends or everyday people? I've never done the last, if I feel guilty about using
celebrities, to me using people around me, specially the few ones I
care about a little, is out of the question, and anyway doesn't
really appeal to me, and I would feel very weird around them, I wouldn't
be able to have two versions of them (real world and in my head).

[Nomad]

Before reading your post, I never thought of actors as "real people."

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about people from my school--welcoming me into popular groups, being in love with me, realizing I was an important person on my own planet instead of an invisible loser, etc. I would feel very uncomfortable around these people because my real life and my fantasy life would crash into each other, which is depressing.

I always felt ashamed, but when I was in college, I started feeling guilt, just as you describe it. I felt like the people I "used" knew that something weird was going on. Actually, the ones who knew me probably did sense something because I don't conceal my feelings very well, and I acted strange and obsessive around them. I knew that my fantasies weren't real but I also hoped, secretly and desperately, that some real connection would form. I started to feel like these people were picking up on my desperate need, that they were getting uncomfortable, too, and that I was wrong to put them in that position. "Creepy" is a good word to describe the feeling.

So, I started making myself fantasize about movie stars because I wouldn't see them in person and they wouldn't see me. Then I would get depressed because I would never know the movie stars and even if I did they wouldn't want to be around me, but at least I didn't feel the guilt. I'm hoping that famous people are used to this sort of thing, and that they've come to terms with it.

[Magenta]

My scenario is a little different. I feel guilty when I use actors as a love interest if they are married, either in real life or in fiction. In fiction it's a little less so, because it's a story I can conceivably change. It's particularly difficult if the actor is purported to be a good person, and if they have children that just compounds the problem.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I think this is why I avoid using real people except as minor characters. It does feel weird when I use one, but usually it's a celebrity that my character just interacts with for awhile. They don't form love interests or get so deeply involved in their lives that they can't easily be removed later. Usually when I'm into a new show or something for awhile, I'll incorporate the main actor or personality into my daydreams for awhile. This is just while I'm super into it, though, so it passes. My main characters have always been completely fictional. I've tried to incorporate friends & people I've known briefly, but it weirds me out, so it doesn't work for very long. Usually I just mirror the relationship I have in real life in my daydream, except a minor version. It's almost like I just want to introduce them to my fantasy family & friends. I'm so attached to my daydream family that I feel they should meet people I interact with in real life. I'm sure this would sound crazy to someone who doesn't have this, but you guys probably understand. :)

[Ana Suau]

Thanks for your replies, I really liked to hear someone else's take on the matter.

Kathryn, I agree sometimes it feels a little sad to know you can get so emotionally close to a person (or the image of that person you create in your head), at least it happens in my case, but that said person doesn't even know you exist... it is depressing. Unfortunately, unlike Cordelia I've never been able to create characters of my own, I mean I've created some random characters that I needed for a punctual situation, but they don't even have face, they're very undefined, they just deliver their lines (and they're not really interesting to me...), but for the main and steady secondary characters I need familiar faces.

I think partially it has to do again with my obsessive trait, I fixate in some actress or some show and I daydream about it, so I guess my daydreaming is kind of dependent of shows or movies, because even if I get the inspiration from a book, I'll put celebrities' faces on the characters, they're like pre-made figures to me, so I'll intermediately connect with those books' characters or the ones I create in my daydreams.

Returning to the original point, It's true though that when I use real people, actors and actresses in my case, I give them a more or less developed personally (my alter-ego of course is fully developed), so I somehow make a different person out of those celebrities, but still it feels wrong. Thankfully most of the actresses I've used as love interests are young and single, but in the cases they were married and had kids I hadn't thought about it too deeply, but I realize now how specially guilty that makes me feel, because to make it work in my head I have to vanish the person their married with and their kids... and boy does that sound creepier...

[Michael Gibson]

Ana Suau said:

Thanks for your replies, I really liked to hear someone else's take on the matter.

Kathryn, I agree sometimes it feels a little sad to know you can get so emotionally close to a person (or the image of that person you create in your head), at least it happens in my case, but that said person doesn't even know you exist... it is depressing. Unfortunately, unlike Cordelia I've never been able to create characters of my own, I mean I've created some random characters that I needed for a punctual situation, but they don't even have face, they're very undefined, they just deliver their lines (and they're not really interesting to me...), but for the main and steady secondary characters I need familiar faces.

I think partially it has to do again with my obsessive trait, I fixate in some actress or some show and I daydream about it, so I guess my daydreaming is kind of dependent of shows or movies, because even if I get the inspiration from a book, I'll put celebrities' faces on the characters, they're like pre-made figures to me, so I'll intermediately connect with those books' characters or the ones I create in my daydreams.

Returning to the original point, It's true though that when I use real people, actors and actresses in my case, I give them a more or less developed personally (my alter-ego of course is fully developed), so I somehow make a different person out of those celebrities, but still it feels wrong. Thankfully most of the actresses I've used as love interests are young and single, but in the cases they were married and had kids I hadn't thought about it too deeply, but I realize now how specially guilty that makes me feel, because to make it work in my head I have to vanish the person their married with and their kids... and boy does that sound creepier...

[Michael Gibson]

Hi Ana ..
I use actors and people I know in my fantasy's and have not felt particularly guilty about doing so. I realize that I'm projecting something about them as I percieve them onto a kind of blank creative screen. Just what this screen is i dont know, but .. I've noticed that people do this to each other all the time anyway. Romantic relatioships (in the real world) are all about this same act of projection. And in the real world, people get hurt by this. And most folks do not know why. That you worry (?) about using others for own imagined world, without there consent shows that you care deeply about others, sometimes at your own expense. (?)
But they are not really hurt by this, and I should think that you should not find yourself too concerned by who you choose to use as your cast of characters. Especially actors, who are in the business of creating believable characters (they hope) in the first place. Especially to mass audiences. Actors should be flattered by this I would think.
In a certain sense, all the world is a stage ..

[Ana Suau]

Thanks Michael, I really feel a lot better about it after reading your post. Wise words. And I really liked the way you described it (the whole “ blank creative screen”), it's a great way to explain what I do too.

I guess you're right after all, everybody has idealized images of people they know in their heads, it's “normal” to some extent we could say, almost everybody does it, only WE daydreamers take it much more faraway while being perfectly conscious about it. Also true and fascinating to me, not daydreamers can also get hurt by doing so when their projections don't match the real thing.

So, I hate to sound corny, but thanks again for making me realize this, it's kind of obvious I know, but I was too obsessed with the guilty feeling to see it.

Michael Gibson said:

Hi Ana ..
I use actors and people I know in my fantasy's and have not felt particularly guilty about doing so. I realize that I'm projecting something about them as I percieve them onto a kind of blank creative screen. Just what this screen is i dont know, but .. I've noticed that people do this to each other all the time anyway. Romantic relatioships (in the real world) are all about this same act of projection. And in the real world, people get hurt by this. And most folks do not know why. That you worry (?) about using others for own imagined world, without there consent shows that you care deeply about others, sometimes at your own expense. (?)
But they are not really hurt by this, and I should think that you should not find yourself too concerned by who you choose to use as your cast of characters. Especially actors, who are in the business of creating believable characters (they hope) in the first place. Especially to mass audiences. Actors should be flattered by this I would think.
In a certain sense, all the world is a stage ..

[Brooklyn Thorpe]

I can understand this feeling entirely. I think so long as you remember where the line between real life and fantasy is, it won't affect them.

[phoenix62]

I just saw your comment...and yes, I have used someone I do not know personally, but I know OF this person...and do I feel guilty? oh, goodness, yes, I feel horrible, and it spooks me.
I think I actually explained who the person was in general terms somewhere on this site, but I have since removed it. I was terrified I was giving out too much information.

Is the person famous? No, not even remotely, this person isn't even well known, not to most people.

[Ana Suau]

Hi phoenix62, I just wanted to say that thanks to the wonderful people here, who took the time to give some insight into my problem, I feel a little better now (I was really having a bad time about it), I still think is creepy, and I still think the persons I use have mothers, grandmas... that wouldn't like what I do with their darlings; but it's also true we don't hurt anybody directly, mainly ourselves (although those who use friends and such... it's sounds too risky for me, because your relationship with them might be affected by the alternative image of them you have in your world), and at least in my case, I can't help it anyway, so I might as well learn to cope with it.

Also, it's true what Brooklyn Thorpe said, that as long as I remember where the line between real life and fantasy is it's alright, but inside I worry it might come a day when I lose my mind and I won't be able to do so, I know this matter has been discussed before and the general consensus was that what I worry about was very unlike it, and with my rational mind I think so, but the little insecure paranoid inside me feels very anxious, as I'm also a loner, I'm afraid I'm going to end like the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons, only with a heavy daydreaming problem.

Anyway, thankfully lately I'm super busy getting my driving license to worry too much about anything else.

[Ana Suau]

Well, at least you can feel better about the fact you only use this actor as an observer or someone to talk to, but me... I use actresses to fill my loneliness and complete lack of love life (and it's a permanent thing) and experience in the "real" world, which means in my daydreams the poor things have to be my girlfriends/wives... and love me, and be fascinated by me and all I do and say, find me clever, extremely funny, and not care about all my defects... it's so sick to think about it and say it... but it's the truth, I need that to survive from day to day, I'd go more bonkers than I already feel without it.

I really wish I could create my own characters and could get rid of real people, but I just can't because of my stupid obsessive mind...

[Jasmine]

I very rarely use people that i know in my real life anymore. I used to go through phases with various different people but they never usually lasted long. For the last few years i've been using singers or actors mainly. There is one singer, who i have used for a very long time, he's like my constant and there are others who i'll use in various daydreams on the side. When it comes to their personalities, I usually have them as they appear to be, but they are still my idealised versions of them. For example if there is something about them in reality that i don't like particularly, then i alter it. I do feel guilty using these people, especially as i have such a deep respect for the main singer. But i think that is the reason why i can't help but to use him. i'm so fixated that it just isn't quite as satisfying if I don't. He quite literally is the man of my dreams. However although i am fully aware that i'll never meet him/ be with him, etc i'm not really that upset or depressed about it or anything. I'm quite content to just know him in my head. when it comes to minor characters, I sometimes use the face of a celebrity just for the familiarity but in my head, they aren't actually them.