Just starting to admit who I really am

[Ali Renee]

I have paced around the house and floor ever since I can remember. My parents use to call it “running around” when I was a kid. I use to pretend to be sick from school just to be alone for the day and search online for hours to trigger the daydreaming. My daydreams used to revolve mostly around Harry Potter inspired fantasies-as I use to be obsessed with it. I am 22 years old now and it still has not stopped, my family has no idea I do it. When I first went to college and lived in a dorm room and an apartment with a roommate it slowed down because I could not find enough alone time, but now that I have just graduated and live back at home I have more free time and now I do it more than ever. I never really use to look at it as a negative. I am an artist and really think that it sparks a lot of creativity. But now that I am older I am starting to get a little worried that it will isolate me. I never have had a lot of friends and no real relationships but in truth that never bothered me when I was younger because I loved my fantasy world-I still do. But I do not want it to hold me back. I try to channel it more into art. I also have a fear of losing alone time, like with a career that takes up too much alone time. I get angry at myself for wanting to be alone, but then again I get annoyed easily around people because I would rather dream. Idk it is very confusing but I am really happy that I am not the only one. Now my fantasies do revolve around love/sex (like a book or movie that is really complex). I have never admitted this daydreaming to anyone. I am such a different person than everybody really knows me as, it makes me sad to think how much my sister and best friend do not know about me. But I do not even know how to begin telling them my true self without it sounding crazy.  

[MGee]

I literally could have written what you just said in this post because it's so similar to me. I also am trying to redirect it into art (writing). When I first found about this site I had a bunch of different emotions... Relief that I'm not alone, Fear that it's an actual problem (even though I may have thought I was abnormal a million times, I always thought it would just leave one day I guess), Control - ever since discovering this site I have decided to try to express more control over myself with my Daydreaming.

I know this probably won't help you, but I am 24 and also had never told anyone about it. I'm writing a script of the DD that is most prevalent for me and I have been showing friends and family which has been such a relief to me because it's a way for me to tell them about my daydreaming without actually having to explain it. They are all extremely impressed with how well I can capture personalities and a storyline and I have been given mostly positive feedback. Little do they know that this story has been in my head progressing for over 12 years. So to me, I don't think it's that impressive that I can write my characters and storyline that well lol.

Anyways, I was on this site one day reading things people posted and it hit me that no one in my life really knows the full me (like you were saying). I decided that I am ready to open up to people about it because I don't want to be 30, 40, 50 years old without anyone ever having known me. Even if it's weird and hard to explain... it's worth people knowing it. I've always taken pride in keeping this secret so well but it's starting to eat me up and it hurts to always feel like there's a barrier between me and everyone else. So I have started with the people I care most about... My family and a couple close friends. I told my mom first and it was so hard to explain to her... The only thing that has helped me with telling people is that all of them have read my script so they do understand that clearly I live in another world if I can write in a different world like that. My mom didn't really grasp it that well, but honestly... I still feel better that she knows. My little brother has been the receptive and understanding of it because he is also an artist, so he is very interested in thought processes and the whole concept.

Honestly though, if someone doesn't have this daydreaming problem... they will not understand it no matter how well you explain it. It's just like if a drug addict tries to explain the rush of doing drugs to someone who has never used. But that's okay. It's your brain, your thought process, your life. As long as you are ok with where you are at with the people in your life, that's all that matters. Don't push yourself to do something you aren't ready to do though because I can honestly say that even a year ago I wouldn't have been ready to tell anyone this about me. I suggest that when (or if) you do decide to tell people, tell them a little bit about it yourself and then redirect them to this site because they will think you are being dramatic since it is a difficult concept for nondaydreamers to grasp. That's how I did it and my mom was trying to reason with me when I was telling her about it and then I told her to go on this site and after she did and saw people saying exactly what I say, she took it more seriously even though she still doesn't understand it.

For me, I think that daydreamers are artists. I'm really not ok with calling it a mental issue at this point. I think that any good artist has this mind. I think that we torture ourselves. I think we wish we could be outwardly creative more so than we even realize. I honestly think we are just artists who pushed all of our creativity inside out of embarrassment and societal pressure. We don't have anything to be embarrassed about though. I think that by not letting anyone into our lives fully... We are harming ourselves by isolating ourselves. Once you tell someone, you will see that they initially react out of curiosity and even disbelief, but eventually they won't even think about it because you aren't changing. You've always been the person you are telling them about and they have known you throughout the entire time, so nothing will change about you to them.

Just remember that no matter how hard you try to explain it, they won't understand it completely... Just like there are things about them that you cannot completely understand. That's what makes us individuals :). They can still listen though and show you that they still love you regardless of any of this, which I think is something everyone with maladaptive daydreaming needs desperately because we all feel like freaks with a huge secret.

Sorry I just wrote like a book on here lol... I just related a lot to what you said. Hope some of this helps a little at least...

[Tila]

I like this post. As someone who is trying and so far succeeding in giving up MDD FOR GOOD, I have a couple of things to say: 

1. Get over the hurdle of telling people about your "true self". In my experience, things usually sound a lot less weird when you try to do that surgery with a plastic knife (try to put your complex inner life into words to share with other people). So don't put so much weight on this idea. It will sound the most intimately  only to you.

2. I disagree that daydreaming makes you more imaginative. I am an artist and a musician…imagination is my fucking trade, so believe me I wouldn't want to give it up! Again in my experience, MDD just makes you unskillful at applying your imagination. Hence, it is a waste of perfectly good creative energy. 

3. You DON'T stop being imaginative just because you stop MDD. You just start applying imagination to your real life. 

“Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. see the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal." -Ray Bradbury

[Ali Renee]

Thanks for the advice, what you said in your post defiantly made me open my eyes to the fact that even though MDD may spark the creativity for me it really does get completely in the way of actually getting things done. For example I HAVE to have someone in the house with me to actually paint or draw. If I am home alone (which right now since I am between jobs I mostly am) I just pace the floor and look up youtube videos to fuel the dreams- and let the painting and drawing just sit there. I which I had control over the MDD when I am alone, but I can not trust myself with myself lol -the MDD takes control of my mind when alone and even if I have all the ideas in the world for art they really do just stay in my head. It is definitely something I could work on

Thanks! 

[Ali Renee]

MGee: The script idea is such good advice, thanks! I also have written some ideas/MDD down into word documents (maybe turn it into a short story because I have not yet figured out how to paint these certain dreams so far) and I was really considering showing them to my sister. We are really close and I am at the point now were I really want her to know this part about me. I am scared because some of it is graphic/violent and I am not sure what she will think about that but i think it is a hurdle I just have to face. It is  just like you said about  embarrassment. I get embarrassed or pretend like a do not like a certain movie or thing if it fuels the dreaming because idk, I just get so scared for some reason that people will know my real feelings. Like for example: If I really love a song because it reminds me of one of my MDD characters I will pretend in front of my friends that I do not really like it that much or say it is just ok-then on my own I will listen to it over and over again because I can just let the dream run wild in my head. I think it is just insecurity and I really just need to fully be ok with myself. I also get so embarrassed when I do talk about a painting or art work,  probably because it is a hint into my fantasy life. It is like what you said about isolation. I really am just harming myself and isolating myself, when I could just get over the embarrassment and just be honest with people. 

I also was surprised that it is a mental illness. I always knew that I was different but I am still proud of the way my brain thinks lol-I do think of it more as a creative gift! I do not think of myself as a freak, I think the problem is I am afraid other people will look at me as a freak :/ . But your post definitely does help!

 

[Tila]

Ali Renee: I'm glad you understand….some people on this site seem so stubborn not to give up their daydreams.

I just know that there is a lot on the other side that you can't know about until you stop. Maybe I will write a post about it soon!  :)

[MGee]

I've definitely done that with songs, movies, and tv shows that remind me of my MD characters. Pretend that I dislike it or even hate it when I'm with people. It is kind of a weird feeling to know that no one can figure it out unless you decide to tell them. For me, I think the most surprising part was how well everyone has accepted my script that I have shown it to. My story also has violence, sex, drugs.. you name it.. I have it in there lol. I was extremely nervous for my parents to read it, but I think that everyone has kind of accepted it as art and as a story. No one has said anything about me being crazy or weird for thinking of the stuff. Like I said in my last post, everyone has been really supportive about my script. I haven't tried to explain MDD to very many people, but it is still validating and less isolating for me personally to have shown them that script because it shows that they still don't think I'm a psycho for thinking of the stuff in the first place.

 

I think that since you and your sister are so close, you should definitely consider telling her first. She will react way better than you think. For me, it was both overwhelming and cool to have people ask questions about it... So be prepared for questioning because obviously it is confusing to them since they've never heard of it or experienced it. Some people are better at approaching it than others. I've had situations where I felt like the person was genuinely just curious and then I had a friend who made me feel kind of attacked about the situation, but ultimately she was just curious too... It was just her way of approaching it made me uncomfortable since it's not something I'm used to giving people answers to.

 

My advice is to open up to at least one person because it will lift a huge barrier of embarrassment and guilt for you! :)