Should I tell my family? Please help!

[Paracosm]

I need your help. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should tell my family about my problems, a matter I previously discussed in my latest blog article: To Tell or Not to Tell?

I've been thinking further on this issue, and unfortunately, I'm still undecided about the best thing to do. So, I've outlined the pros and cons below. Please, please, please—if you have a spare moment, read this over and tell me if you think it would be a good idea to tell my family. I don't know what to do and so I would be grateful if you would help. :)

Over the past several years, I've been having difficulty focusing on reality. It wasn't until more recently that I realized that this wasn't "normal", that my problem was actually two problems (Maladaptive Daydreaming and Depersonalization Disorder), and that it will likely result in many more difficulties as I try to move ahead in life.

If I were to describe my symptoms to my family, I would have to somehow describe these without sounding like a nutcase:

• My obsessive and consuming fantasizing
• Feeling spacey, like I'm in a dream
• Feeling like I'm detached from myself
• Not being able to emotionally connect with other people
• Perceiving things around me at unusual or unreal
• Seeing myself and other people as mechanical objects
• Emotional numbing, such as not feeling fear or love, and an inability to be affected by things that should normally affect me (e.g., beautiful scenes, enjoyable experiences, etc.)


Here's why I think I should tell them:

1. My problems have become distressing and debilitating. I feel so detached from reality and it's interfering with my ability to live life.

2. It would be an explanation for my behavior. I often seem withdrawn, moody, and zoned out. I'm tired of keeping secrets about what I'm experiencing. I know I hurt people, and if I tell them, maybe they'll finally understand that I'm INCAPABLE of emotionally connecting with other human beings. I just want them to understand that this is not the way I am—it's not who I am. Something is wrong. This is not normal.

3. I need help. I can't go on feeling what I'm feeling. I feel like I'm not really "here", and I want to feel real again. I'm not sure how my parents would feel about taking me to the doctor simply because "everything looks weird" and "I don't feel real", but I'll never know until I say anything.

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And here's why I think telling them may be a really bad idea:

1. I'm not close with my family. Our conversations are mostly small talk, so coming out and talking about my mental disorders would be an enormous step—and very uncomfortable.

2. They may not understand. They might think I'm exaggerating, simply because they've never seen my symptoms. Or they might think I'm crazy.

3. I've never been officially diagnosed. Circumstances prevent me from seeing a professional, and all I know is based off what I've been able to find on the internet.

4. Bad stigma. I don't think my family is in disbelief over mental disorders, but when it comes to me, they might be.

5. They might think it's just stress and that I need to snap out of it. Yes, I believe it was caused by the stress that accumulated over the years, but I can't go back in time and fix what broke long ago. The problem is real and I can't just "snap out of it".

6. My problems aren't easy to describe. I don't exhibit any external symptoms, except for maybe looking spaced out and being unusually quiet. Everybody can relate to daydreaming, but it may be hard for them to comprehend that it's an addiction for me. And depersonalization disorder can only be described by comparing my symptoms to something else, like, "I feel like I'm watching a movie all the time" or "it's like I'm looking through a fog". I can't even comprehend the way I feel or the way I perceive things, so how will they?


Thank you for taking the time to read such a long post. Any help would be so appreciated!

:)

[Rachel]

I might not be very good at taking my own advice, but I think you should tell them. Make sure they understand that you're not professionally diagnosed though, just in case. Describe the symptoms the best you possibly can. If you need to,write them down in a list like you did in this blog post and show them the list. I could at least imagine something from the symptoms of Depersonalization Disorder you were listing. Try your best to make them understand that this is a big deal. Not something you can just snap out of. Say that right away and straightforward if you think they'll think that it's just from stress and you can just snap out of it.  And about not being very close to your family, who knows, this might make you closer with them and more able to talk to them about stuff. However, despite all this, only tell them if you are capable of telling them. If  you feel incapable, it's probably because you're not ready to tell them.

[Paracosm]

Thanks so much, Rachel! I'm trying to take it slow. I don't want to rush it and come out and sound crazy. It did occur to me, as you said, that this could be an opportunity to build a bond with my family.

Already, I've been daydreaming about the worse-case scenario: that they think I'm exaggerating and don't want to help me at all. Sometimes I think that maybe I am exaggerating and that I'll wake up one morning and everything will be okay, because this doesn't seem real—but then it occurs to me that NOTHING feels real, and this situation not feeling real only proves that it is, in fact, real. Wow... this is so bizarre.

I've already put together some articles on MD and DPD, which I'm going to print out. I think they would better understand a well-written article than my garbled, awkward, stuttering explanation. I'll then give them an "introduction" to my problems by explaining how I came to the conclusion that I do, in fact, have mental problems (although the world "mental" is sure to frighten them), that my problems don't just pass with time, and that they have become disruptive and distressing. I thought that by going about it this way, I can ease them into the shock and bewilderment—that is, IF I decide to say anything.

I'm going to try to act out the conversation in my head, although it's hard for even me, with my obsessive imagination, to imagine what the reaction will be. It very much depends upon how I present the information.

I'm thinking I may start with one of my sisters. Last night I told her there was something on my mind that I couldn't decide if I should say, so continuing that conversation might be a good way to start. From there, I could discuss with her about telling my parents, and if it would be a good idea.

Oh boy... even the thought of telling someone is SOOO scary. O_O

[M Hunter]

Writing everything down certainly helps me. I don't think I've ever had a proper conversation with my family about my experiences. I just wrote everything down and let them read it. I also provided them with genuine information from articles so they could see exactly what it was I was dealing with. I haven't told them about daydreaming however. I suppose because it's very personal and I wouldn't want to divulge into the nature of my daydreams.

At first there was a lot of denial but I think that can be expected. No parent wants to know their child is suffering. My mum went into denial with me and it felt like she didn't care but I know now that wasn't the case. She's had a long time to come to terms with things and now she only looks out for my best interests and knows that I struggle.

[Paracosm]

Thanks, M Hunter. It's encouraging to hear other people's stories. :)

With all the trouble I'm going to in preparing to tell my "secrets", you'd think I'm preparing for a professional presentation, lol. I feel so silly, but I figure there's no such thing as being too prepared. I've already written up some talking points. and now I'm working on answering some questions I expect to be asked. If they see the trouble I went to, they might be even more convinced that I'm serious.

I don't know if I should "soften" my explanation of my problems. I worry that if I do, I won't be taken seriously. But if I give an extremely detailed explanation, I worry they might freak out. But I figure that if I'm going to say anything, I might as well say it all, because, in that case, if they do freak out, they'll know it's something actually worth getting freaked out over, lol.

I intend to tell them about my daydreaming, but NO WAY am I going to tell them the content of my daydreams, other than the fact that it's a fictional world with fictional characters and fictional events. Telling them what I daydream about wouldn't help me one bit. The fact is that I DO daydream excessively, and that's all they need to know.

I expect it will be awkward, and that's why I'm doing so much preparation. If I find that I'm unable to say anything, I won't force it. What I force out probably wouldn't be what I want them to hear.

[M Hunter]

I certainly wouldn't share the content of my daydreams but I feel like they would definitely ask a lot of questions if I told them I daydream excessively. I feel it would get more questions than any of my other mental health issues. 
I understand what you're saying about a soft approach to an extreme approach. I normally go for a soft approach but I make sure they realise that it's serious. I just don't go into how serious exactly. I guess it depends on your parents though. I know with mine if I say that I'm suffering they know I'm suffering and I don't have to explain myself further.

[Paracosm]

I think I'll just go at it slow and if their eyes start bugging out, I'll know it's time to stop, lol. :)

I'm going to tell my sister first because I know she daydreams a lot, although not to the extend I do. I think she might be able to grasp MD, and we both write stories and don't share the content with anyone, so I think she would understand if I don't want to tell her what I daydream about. I'm not sure what I'll tell my parents yet, though.

[Paracosm]

@EludeMyFantasies - Thank you—you made some good points. :)

The problem with not telling them the actual names of the disorders is that they may think they are not actual problems. For example, they may think my daydreaming is a problem with self-control and lack of focus and that my spacey and detached feelings are caused by lack of sleep or something of the sort.

Honestly, I'm not sure why I want them to know. I guess it's because I feel alone in this. They've simply ignored the signs that something is wrong with me on the inside—and by that, I mean that I'm very often withdrawn, gloomy, and quiet. They've never bothered to sit down with me and have a conversation about what's troubling me. I feel like I've been forgotten, and while I don't think I would say it immediately, I believe that their choices in raising me have brought MD and DPD upon me.

I suppose I think that by telling them about my problems, they'll understand why I behave the way I do. I've never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't like to pretend that everything's okay. I very much doubt they'll suggest I see a professional—I think because they aren't the sort of people who would think that's necessary—but I'm so tired of being alone in this, and at this point, I'm ready to try anything.

I've thought that maybe I shouldn't tell them—that I should just try hard to move on in life and hope the symptoms go away. But one of the main reasons I have not moved on in life is because of these symptoms. If my parents see how my problems are interfering with my life, maybe they would encourage me and try to make things a bit easier, instead of leaving it to me to figure life out.

[Paracosm]

I understand what you're saying about my parents not needing to understand the whole thing. But my parents (at least I think) are the sort of people who would try to help me if they knew something was wrong, and if they don't know what they're dealing with, they more likely to dismiss it as something trivial. They might think I just need to lighten up, learn some self-control, and stop obsessing over how weird it feels to be a human being. I'm not saying they would be oblivious to the fact that my symptoms bother me, but I think if they don't realize how deep the problems are rooted, they won't realize how badly I need help and that I can't just snap out of it. I would, of course, tell them that there's no way of knowing for sure if I truly have DPD without a professional diagnosis. I would never want to jump to conclusions.

Unfortunately, I can't get help without my family being involved—at least not for a while. I'm basically stuck here at home, since I'm not working and can't drive. It would be a while until I could get myself in a position to see a professional without the help of my parents.

Last night I told my sister. We were talking about how she thought I seemed depressed, and I after a long, very vague discussion, I told her exactly what was troubling me. It actually went much better than I thought it would. I'm going to post about it a little later. :)