seeking advice for the sexual side of MD

[Jody]

I wonder if anyone here might be able to help me.

Lately I've been trying to rid myself of maladaptive daydreaming. It's served as an emotional crutch my whole life, but I'm ready to start confronting my issues instead of hiding from them. So far I've been doing well, but part of me feels like I'm just postponing daydreaming for now. I guess time will tell...
Like I'm sure many people on this forum, I rely on DD for my sexual needs. Most people require fantasies to become sexually aroused, (have to use their imagination), and so I'm fine doing the same. My trouble is that I have to imagine my characters- I can't imagine myself, like ever. I don't think this is healthy, in fact I think it's a legitimate fetish. I have to look inward for my sexual needs and at the same time can never "be myself".
I can't share my fantasies with my partner because for me they're more than just sexual scenarios, my characters have whole lives beyond what they do in the sack. Also, I don't want to turn them into a mutual role playing game because they belong to me and I don't want to share. I suspect many MDers would also feel like their characters are being hijacked.
Has anyone here been dealing with this issue? Can you relate? Any advice?

[taffle]

I can relate with this. I don't want to imagine myself being in sexual relations because I know I'm not ready yet, in real life. But I have sexual needs that I need to satisfy. So, I imagine my characters in sexual situations. But it's not always sex; I make them take it slow. And I empathize with them, feel what they feel - that's how I satisfy my needs.

I know people will tell me it's not healthy, but currently, I don't have a boyfriend nor am I attracted to any real-world guys, so I satisfy my sexual needs in my fantasies. The other alternative would be to go have meaningless sex with a guy that I have no feelings for, which I absolutely will NOT do. Another option would be to watch porn to derive sexual gratification, but I am against porn because it's demeaning to women (just my opinion, no offense to anybody out there).

[Eretaia]

Oh. I'm familiar with this scenario very well. I do the same thing and it's actually rather simple when you break it down. You're blocking emotions. You use characters to INDIRECTLY experience emotions which you have trouble experiencing yourself because you're insecure.

Take my case for example. I don't allow myself to feel sexual emotions myself because I loathe myself with a burning passion and hence I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. But on the subconscious level, the need is still there and it doesn't want to be ignored. On the conscious level, however, I ask myself again: how can I possibly allow myself to feel them when I'm so full of self-loathing and disgust? So I block it. But the need is STILL there. And that's when the subconscious interferes and redirects the need to my fantasies, to my characters, so that I feed off THEIR feelings like a parasite without being involved MYSELF. Because I'm insecure.

So, in other words, for some reason, you're actually not allowing yourself to feel the emotions which your characters feel. In my case, it's low self-esteem and lack of self-respect. In your case, it might be something else. Just figure out why and work on it.

This is why I hate MD. Riddles everywhere, lmao.

[Jody]

I agree Eretia, I just don't know what to do about it.

[Eretaia]

But can you consciously detect what's stopping you from feeling those emotions yourself? Are you uncomfortable when it comes to sex with your partner? Insecure? Do you actually like yourself?

[Jody]

I'm starting to recognize those feelings. I know that's the first step, I'm just not sure what the next one is.

[M Hunter]

I usually daydream about myself and a character although I may change a few things about myself that I don't particularly find attractive about myself in real life, for example I'm usually a lot taller in my daydreams as I'm pretty short in real life which knocks my confidence. 
I have a real life partner but for some reason I find it incredibly difficult to become aroused and our sex life isn't that great. I just can't seem to feel in the mood. However in my daydream world I'm pretty much always up for it with the character I like. 
I feel pretty guilty about that but that's just how I feel. I'm not really sure why that is. 

[charm]

I agree with everything Eretaia said, its to do with low self esteem and feelings that you yourself do not have anything to offer. Which is understandable that us MDers should feel that way, we spend so much of our time building up these perfect characters who are so much more superior to us. The problem is that we then feel so inadequate and like we ourselves are lacking because we don't actually have the same attributes our characters have. We spend so much time fantasising the perfect person and then our own realitys fall flat. To me this is one of the biggest down falls of MD, I have expanded my expectations to a point that is completely unreaslistic and this just further feeds my low self esteem which makes me want to escape into my DD more.

I don't really know what to do about solving the problem, I am still dealing with it on a daily basis but just wanted to tell you I can relate. Its obvious that the answer is to build up our own sense of self,  and learn to love ourselves as we are. But achieving that is easier said then done. I wish I had the answer for you but Im still working on this myself.

I can tell you what is helping for me is to set goals that focus on MYSELF and then work on achieving them. My goals are mostly exercise related, Im into running so I have ideas of distances I want to cover and competitions I want to enter and then I work on achieving them. It makes me feel so good to work on something for a couple of months and then achieve it. It is something that has really helped with my self esteem and even though Im not quite there yet I feel like Im on the right path. Any little task you accomplish that you yourself can be proud of helps boost that self esteem, or so I have found. And the higher your self esteem out of the bedroom, the higher it becomes in the bedroom.  Im not suggesting you need to take up running but maybe write down a list of goals that you have always wanted to achieve but never got around to and then just start working on them.

I just had another idea I am going to try and work on myself, I need to stop imagining my characters so perfect. Maybe my lead characters need to gain 10kgs and develop some bad habits that I can relate to and then I wont feel so inadequate when Im just trying to be myself in the bedroom. =)-

 

[Jody]

Oh Charm, that's very good advice. I'd love to hear if you're able to bring your characters down a notch and if that helps tou feel more confident. Keep me posted.

[Catauxgory]

Over time I've realized that my characters have a sex life like nothing I will ever experience in my real life, and that makes me sad. It makes me feel that I've created and unleashed this awesome sexual energy between my characters, an awesome chemistry, and I wonder, will I ever experience anything like that in my life? I'd have to say probably not simply because part of the sexual excitement comes from who my characters fundamentally are, and I can never be them. So the comparison is defeated before it begins. On the other hand, I have something my characters don't have, and that is a real life. Even though my sex life may not be as rocking as my characters', my life is the only real one, and for that reason it's 10,000 times more meaningful than what goes on in my daydreams. I've just found that what happens in reality is far more impactful and meaningful and lasting than a daydream. If you want to shift your sexual excitement to reality, it's not impossible, as you have yourself to work with and that's a wonderful place to start. Start small. I have to bring in the analogy of watering a seedling, watching it sprout, and nurturing it as it grows. There may be nothing there now, but keep trying to focus your intention on reality, and it will manifest.

[Laila]

I relate to this as well, as I spend the most time daydreaming about my characters being physically intimate. It just makes me feel warm, happy, and empowered when they act so close. They have the strongest emotional intimacy when I imagine them falling in love for the first time, reuniting after being apart, or after almost dying in an accident. I could spend hours just thinking about them caressing, cuddling, and kissing each other with no plot development. In real life, I have never had a boyfriend, and I'm 24 years old. It's obvious that I'm using my characters to explore romantic situations that I'm not confident enough to pursue. *sigh* I do a lot of research to enhance my daydreams, ranging from science articles about the chemical process of love and romance practices to people's personal stories on relationship forums. xD

However, I do desire to role-play my characters with someone. That would be exciting. I don't feel like anyone could steal my characters because they can't imagine them the exact same way. They will always be unique to me. xD

[Jody]

Laila I don't know if you're feeling insecure about being 24 without a boyfriend, but I just want to tell you that you really dont need to. I didn't start dating until I was 23 because I wasn't ready for it before then, (and I'm still with the awesome fellow-- and it's still great despite my issues with MD abd sex). One of my friends was 27 or 28 before he started. I think Julia Childs was around 35. Some people are just slow about romance.

[FemShep]

You sound  like me.  My real life partner gives me such a hard time about sex. I just never feel in the mood to be with her. It feels more like a job or bother/hassle and like I have no energy to have sex with her. But now my fantasy partner and I have a very robust sex life.

M Hunter said:

I usually daydream about myself and a character although I may change a few things about myself that I don't particularly find attractive about myself in real life, for example I'm usually a lot taller in my daydreams as I'm pretty short in real life which knocks my confidence. 
I have a real life partner but for some reason I find it incredibly difficult to become aroused and our sex life isn't that great. I just can't seem to feel in the mood. However in my daydream world I'm pretty much always up for it with the character I like. 
I feel pretty guilty about that but that's just how I feel. I'm not really sure why that is.